To feel traumatised at deciding not to have kids

[pregahes]

I've been trying to conceive for over five years, I've started treatment with a doctor a few months ago that cost a lot of money but am thinking to abort it all and last night made the decision to ditch the meds and stay childfree.

My DH said something to me that makes me believe it just isn't the right thing to do and I'm traumatised - I feel really strange and odd, confused and sad n a weird stage of mind.

Please do not ask if I have tired adoption or ivf obviously I've explored those routes and I'm coming to terms with naturally not being able to conceive but I also think having kids doesn't feel right so why the trauma?

Does anyone have experience of this?

Btw I also struggled to conceieve for 5 years and often felt as you do so I do get at least a little bit

Go easy on yourself, OP. This is a difficult decision to make, and of course you’re grieving a door that will remain closed, even as you’re walking through another door. If you go over to Mners Without Children, you will find support — there are certainly posters on there who decided to stay childfree, but didn’t find it an entirely straightforward decision, even if they recognised it was the right one, ultimately. There are also people on there who are involuntarily childless.

One thing I will say is that having a child doesn’t necessarily hand you a purpose in life — sure, you’re busier, and obviously part of your purpose is to raise that child to maturity, but the ‘What’s it all for?’ stuff doesn’t go away.

Despite the majority of people still having children, I certainly found maternity leave and the baby stage in general difficult and isolating, and not as though I was involved in some kind of core mainstream community activity.

From your follow up posts I would say that it seems you have already been traumatised by the trying/failing/any losses along the way. You sound as though you are deeply depressed and anxious - within the clinical definition of those phrases.

You don’t say what treatments you are taking, but many of them can also have an impact on mood and MH. I had treatment 16 years ago for recurrent miscarriage/PCOS and had to have the meds that make you ovulate every month, quite painfully, often producing multiple eggs each cycle - can’t remember the name of them now but they made me psychotically (only slightly joking) angry and irritable. I chose to stop taking them after I had a melt down about FiL’s snoring one night in our holiday villa and quite literally wanted to kill him. I was beside myself.

So, my advice would be NOT to make any decisions either way, just now, but to actively seek out counselling before going down this road. At the moment I am not sure you really know how you feel about having babies or not - it would be wise to have a clear head and some space with a therapist that is just for you to explore what this means and how you feel. Joint sessions with your partner could be done along side, or a little further down the line.

It's so important you find a counsellor who you gel well with and gel comfortable with and ideally someone who has experience supporting clients with fertility specific issues. They're not all good, you want them to be accredited and it does pay off to shop around until you find the right person.

Sorry you have realised things that you didn't want to realise about your DH.

It's not just the child-free that can be sad and miserable (or however you phrased it), truly.

Counselling on your own sounds like an excellent idea.

When you're down, the only way is up. Best wishes.

He hasn't been through anything, you have both mentally and physically. After 5 long years, I'd have enough of all those drugs effecting my body too. I think you're right to call it a day. You could look into fostering to see if it's for you, before adopting? I wish you both all the best.

Not RTFT, but why not go to the MNers without children forum? You will find help there. I think you have been through a lot.

You don't have to have a depressing and mundane life if you are child free. I have many childfree friends and they have great, satisfying lives.

Sorry you feel in the swing of emotions about having or not having children. It is a really big thing in our lives. It is a big thing to realise we wont have children despite wanting them. Be kind to yourself.

Just one side note, the mainstream medicine is not the only thing to turn to if you want to enlarge your chances to conceive.

Counselling is definitely the way to go. Find a specialist.

I also was asked yesterday if as I'm approaching 40 I think I want to have kids by someone. DH calls it weird but I got satisfaction over making the person feel awkward and telling them I can't have kids.

People should bloody stop asking this . I never do. Tbh, I am not that interested in other people's kids. I am more interested in them.

I haven't suffered from biological fertility, but I would be in the realms of being circumstantially childless.

I'm not going to press you about what he said because I think I've already guessed what it was.

What you're going through is grief (or disenfranchised grief to be precise) and you need a psychologist that is experienced in that. I didn't find counselling any help at all (got it for another reason). Might as well have been speaking to a wall.

It pisses me off when grown adults, who should be more empathic and bloody well know better, ask stupid &, insensitive questions to women about their child free or childless status. Like once I got to about 20 years old I realised what a loaded question this was and never asked questions like it again.

I honestly can't blame you for being brutally honest with them and making them feel bad for asking. Make me angry. Many people ask these questions not because they are genuinely curious, sensitive and open-minded, but because they are bloody nosey and want to treat your delicate emotional state as a bit of light gossip with others. Other people are uncomfortable at the idea of women without children for whatever, and it comes out in prying questions. Sorry you are subjected to this.

I totally understand you OP as I was in a similar situation myself, I had my child relatively late and prior to that I was "childfree" and seemingly happy, I had a good life with lots of comforts, a nice husband, holidays, etc. I kept saying I would never be able to have a child, I don't like children, they were annoying, I could never deal with all the crying and loss of freedom, etc etc. But I also had a very strange lonely feeling inside, not all the time but often enough for it to be annoying - like something died, like I was denied something, and I felt sad and confused as not having children was my own decision.

But looking back at it now - my husband was older than me, with kids from the previous marriage. He once said to me "I wont be sad if we don't have kids, I don't care but you can have one if you want". He made me aware that if we do it will be my own "hobby" as he is not interested, and that our quality of life will suffer. But of course I could have a child, he is not against it.. He was also making jokes about us being a "barren couple", which grated with me every time. I was young, had no family around and I was basically scared and did not want to bring a kid into this situation. So instead I convinced myself I don't want children - and even believed it myself, sort of... even though it was not true as I ended up having one later after we divorced, and never regretted it - in fact, loving every minute of being a mum.

Basically, what I'm trying to say - sometimes we convince ourselves into believing in something that is not true because it makes our life easier (or we think it will). You think you will be better off not struggling to have a kid, and on top of that you know if you have one, your other half will not be a good father. But the fact you feel like that might point out to something else... Maybe you simply mourning "what could have been". Or maybe you do want a child? You need to explore that, preferably with a good professional - you need to be at peace with whatever decision you make. Big hug and good luck.

Just read all your posts, OP. It seem to be miserable and all over the place. Approaching 40 is a tricky age for so many women. I think you would benefit hugely from counselling /psychoterapy. I would concentrate on getting better and dealing with your depression/whatever. Once you are feeling better you will be in a better place to put things in perspective. Wish you get better soon!

Human beings what they are, we often ruminate over every road not taken, whether we have DC or not.

I realise that's easy for me to say as I have DC, but they are grown now, and I STILL think "What's my purpose?". Especially as one of them is displaying signs of failure to launch.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.

Grief is grief, regardless of if it’s grieving a lifestyle or potential future.

I wanted to say you should look at councelling. Also I want you to know that purpose is huge and it can be absolutely anything. You do not have to have children to find purpose. I know a few amazing people that have set up projects, set up non profits, are the life of their friendship groups and they might just be following an interest.

If it help, our children eventually leave us and go on to have their own lives and so many of our parents then find a new purpose after this.

Also what scares you so much about a childfree life? Maybe write down what you imagined you will be loosing and I am sure you can incorporate some of these things into your life in another way. Although some wouldn’t want to compare to a celebrity, but I listened to an interview where Oprah was talking about how she had to pivot her mindset when she realised she couldn’t have children. She saw herself as being motherly in other ways and many celebs have come out to share how she has been such a mentor to them. I know people like this in real life who make their own extended family.

You are allowed to be upset. I also feel like you are questioning the relationship between you and your partner. I would spend some time talking to him to unpack the distasteful joke. It may come from an insecurity on his side or it may be his weird way of coping. When we are familiar and feel safe with someone we might say things that are odd.

Also there is nothing wrong with taking a break from trying and focusing on you.

It all sounds very overwhelming for you right now as you are coming to terms with so much. Do find some therapy and I wish you the best xx

Noone should blame you for feeling bitter. I think you need to give yourself some time.

But I would think very carefully about your DH. He's unsettled you and you need to unpick your thoughts about him.

I mean this kindly OP but you say you’re depressed and I feel that comes through in your posts. You say your partner has no empathy or emotion and I feel that he’s not someone who should be trying to have children. Obviously I don’t know you or him, but if he’s not supportive re your IVF (and I’ve really no idea because you don’t feel able to say what comment he made that’s hurt you so much) I think you have a relationship problem first and foremost.

You say you think he’ll up and off at some point to have kids with a younger, more fertile woman. How does living with that level of anxiety make you feel? Does it seem like a stable base from which to consider starting a family if the IVF works?

I’m a mother but having children didn’t alter my relationship for the better, my life, yes, that was immensely improved because I love my kids, but it didn’t make my marriage any better or worse than it already was. I found out eventually that my husband was actually shagging his female work colleagues and didn’t think he had any responsibility towards me or his own kids other than earning money. Children will absolutely not fix a relationship problem. Of course you may not feel as though you have a relationship problem but, given that the thing your partner said was so distressing you can’t even bear to repeat it on an anonymous forum I think you have haven’t you? Trying to pass off nasty remarks as ‘a joke’ and telling you that you have no sense of humour is emotional abuse, not a joke that failed to hit the spot.

This might be one of the nastiest most insensitive posts I've ever read on MN. It's given me the rage that someone so lacking in empathy would post this on a thread written by someone so obviously struggling and reaching out for help.

Grief is always about the person grieving. You don't dump inside the circle or expect that person to prop up everyone around them, the people around OP should be supporting her and her decision. Her DH isn't the one who has to go through the medical trauma of IVF etc, he's not the one who will have to carry the baby, change his life during pregnancy, and I'd bet money he's not the one planning to do the bulk of the child-rearing either.

Whichever way it goes, this decision innately affects OP most out of the 7 billion people on the planet.

She's allowed to have space to process everything about that and grieve the future she thought she was going to have.

OP, TTC for a long time really is mind-bending. Your whole life revolves around those 4 week cycles for as long as it goes on. You start to get so focused on the concept that a baby will fix everything. You aren't bad or wrong or bitter or horrible, you're just hurting and you need time to grieve (you literally made the decision to stop yesterday).

This will get better with time and love. What concerns me is, do you have the love and support from your partner that you need right now?

You are a strange one. Never gear of someone not liking or wanting children go down the ivf route because they are 'scared'

Op, you don’t need to make a forever decision now. Take the pressure off. Stop for now, if you change your mind you can try again.

honestly I see so many people who have had kids and never ever should have. Little cruelty’s every single day. Regretting their previous life, seeing it as a chore, wanting them to go as soon as they hit adult hood. Snappy, angry. Hating parent hood. So many kids no contact with their parents due to shitty upbringings. And that’s before we get to the neglectful, abusive ones.

so much better to be someone who takes pause. Who thinks do I really want this.

I've tried hobbies, I don't really like to socialise with people I have little patience and therefore I just think I'll grow into a weird loser to be honest.

No, this doesn't have to be your fate and in any case it's OK to be 'different' and find your own happiness. Therapy will help but lots of self help books/ websites out there to guide you to letting go of this grief. It takes time to accept a shift from what you expected or hoped for at one point then began to question. A child will not necessarily fill a void in your life or marriage anyway. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to think.

I think that you sound absolutely wrung out with the whole trying to have children process. It's been a main focus in your life...and now it isn't. It brings everything into question - your life, your marriage, everything.

Take time to grieve the children that you imagined and planned for. Take time to grieve the mother that you hoped to be. Don't try to rush ahead to replace those hopes and dreams - they were big and important.

Life without children could be rich, fulfilling and peaceful.

I think I can give perspective from both sides in a way - I found out at 21 that I can't have children, and was expecting to go through life without them. My DH really wanted children, and we eventually chose to adopt. Now, my two adopted children are ace and I love them dearly, but they are also incredibly hard work. I actually still feel like a childless woman, even though I've also been mum to them for 14 years.

I absolutely know that I would have lead a broadly happy, meaningful life as a childless person, and I have several friends who do just that. My friends who do have children also live broadly happy, meaningful lives.

Take time, and try the counselling. Sit with your grief for a bit. Then see where you're at and find yourself. There is no rush.

Sending lots of care to you.

@pregahes - I've an inkling of what you're going through.

Having gone through years of misery TTC, after multiple miscarriages we were advised to stop trying naturally and go for IVF with genetic testing.
We investigated this and had all the tests, and then decided not to proceed.
It was a tough decision but for us it was the right one.
Every now and then I'll have a little bit of sadness about not having children but most of the time I am entirely content that we dont have any. We have made the most of the freedom this gives in our lifestyle and we spoil young relatives and have a great relationship with them.

I think the massive difference is that my husband and I were behaving like a team throughout this. We made decisions together and supported each other and neither of us has ever criticized the other for the decision we came to.

I'm getting the impression you're not getting that support from your DH.
Children or not, someone that can choose to hurt you isn't the right person to spend the rest of your life with.

You will of course be feeling sad now. It's a huge decision. Coming to terms with the loss of dreams.

You won't be sad forever, you will get through this, you will smile again and feel joy again. Have a think about whether your DH is going to help with this or hinder it.

I don't know if anyone else has said this, but maybe consider if you were with a different/better man, might you want to have children then? I think it's quite natural not to want something when the circumstances would make it more difficult - like when you are with someone who would be a less than perfect father. I mean, it's important to be emotional and empathetic with your children. It's quite damaging not to be. So you seriously consider if it is DH who is putting you off wanting children before you decide that you actually want to be childfree.