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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To block a child at soft play

299 replies

Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 19:35

Just had a bizarre interaction with a lady at soft play today and want to know if I am being unreasonable. DS (two years old) was playing in the toddler section with building block. It's just us, and there are loads of other blocks. We're all sat on the ground (my baby is with me too). Another toddler, same sort of age comes charging over and tries to grab the block my DS is playing with. DS is obviously about to get upset and react. We've been working really hard on DS not hitting in this sort of situation and saying "mummy help" instead which he did, despite being obviously upset by the other toddler.

I put one hand on the block and one between DS and the toddler to block him coming closer but don't move him away or anything like that, just a barrier arm while I say to the toddler that DS is still playing and he can have a turn in a minute. Cue the mum storming in, shouting "he's autistic! He's autistic! He doesn't understand, what do you think you're doing?!?!". She was mad. So I explained and she's still mouthing off. Then she takes him away and thirty seconds later it all happens again. Cue more shouting about him being autistic (but no extra supervision from her...) as I still wasn't letting him just take the block. She gets him, calls me a bitch and storms off to complain about me to the staff.

Poor staff member comes over, and says that she says I pushed her child. I explained obviously not, didn't think much more of it. Twenty mins later we go to leave and this woman is still crying to the staff member!

I've played it back in my head a few times and I don't know what else I could have done really. This kid was all over us, no parent near, and it would have escalated into a toddler hitting match if I hadn't done anything. Plus it's unreasonable for my DS to have to tolerate some random toddler taking a toy he's actively playing with (everything else in there wasn't being used, it wasn't busy). All toddlers require supervision and surely even more so if he's autistic and doesn't understand? If she had been with him she could have sorted it out herself.

OP posts:
twopencepetula · 09/02/2024 22:24

Would it really have killed you to let the other child have the block and just distract your own with something else? Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill

Tell me you are a snowflake doormat without telling me you are a snowflake doormat.

Boundaries for you and your own child are important as are lessons like standing up for yourself. There were other blocks there was no reason for the other child to have it. A claim to austism is not a trump card over basic manners.

You handled it all well @Avopopcorn

Mariposistaaa · 09/02/2024 22:24

She sounds highly strung and hard work!
Crying hysterically over a block at soft play? Massive first world problem! No way should her child be allowed to snatch of yours - he will be in for a rough ride at nursery/school if she doesn't put a stop to that.

WithACatLikeTread · 09/02/2024 22:27

Cappuccino17 · 09/02/2024 22:04

@WithACatLikeTread It depends where he was on the spectrum actually it's not that black and white is it. I have a 2 year old who has learnt skills to share and wait turns so he would be quite flexible changing activities.

You are teaching your son it is okay to be bullied. You need to stand up for him. That autistic child needs boundaries the same as any other.

IggOrEgg · 09/02/2024 22:27

I’d have done the same as you tbh. You didn’t do anything wrong, the other woman is obviously a bit of a drama queen. Could that be from being over protective of her ND son who has found himself in upsetting situations before? Maybe, but I’d not take kindly to being accused of physically hurting a small child, while I was actually just trying to protect my own.

Gagaandgag · 09/02/2024 22:28

Sounds like she might be autistic too

AFewScrewsLucy · 09/02/2024 22:31

... Small world. I think I was there when it happened.

If I said feed the fish to you... Would that make sense?

Poorlymumma · 09/02/2024 22:32

Two year olds aren't usually officially diagnosed but might be under assessment from services like speech and language, with autism basically assumed by everyone including nursery staff etc.. it's an ongoing process to diagnosis.
I think the mum felt her child was being misunderstood as a "naughty child" when he is actually behind in his development milestones and probably genuinely can't share as well as other children his age. Saw op being hostile towards him and got upset.

But the problem is she was watching from afar and should have been in there supervising.

T1Dmama · 09/02/2024 22:33

The other mother sounds awful!
To swear at you in a child’s play area and shout hysterically isn’t exactly being a great role model to her son!
If you go back I’d have a word with the staff and tell them exactly what happened… who was supervising her son while she was sobbing into the staffs ear holes?!

weird!…. Put it in your f&@k it bucket!

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2024 22:34

Miloandfreddy · Today 19:38
**
Would it really have killed you to let the other child have the block and just distract your own with something else? Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill”

what stupid advice.

Original poster
Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 22:34

AFewScrewsLucy · 09/02/2024 22:31

... Small world. I think I was there when it happened.

If I said feed the fish to you... Would that make sense?

Haha no it doesn't, but sounds like this is happening a lot! Crazy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 22:36

T1Dmama · 09/02/2024 22:33

The other mother sounds awful!
To swear at you in a child’s play area and shout hysterically isn’t exactly being a great role model to her son!
If you go back I’d have a word with the staff and tell them exactly what happened… who was supervising her son while she was sobbing into the staffs ear holes?!

weird!…. Put it in your f&@k it bucket!

Well this was the thing - she was sat sobbing while he just charged around.

OP posts:
mummy21blueeyed · 09/02/2024 22:36

@Avopopcorn please ignore all those who are saying they’d just give it and never do that. Autistic children should not get that entitlement because they are autistic it should be those with their parents trying to be distracted or given another block not just the one your child wanted. I would have done the same and will do the same if it ever came to it. I’d make sure my child kept hold of what ever they had until they decided they were done and rightly so.

we don’t all walk round doing the same and as an adult if someone came up tp you and snatched something you were using would you be happy or willing to just accept it absolutely not.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 22:36

PurplePansy05 · 09/02/2024 20:43

"Actually, no" 😂 Thanks for teaching me how to bring up my own son, whatever would I do? FWIW, DS doesn't in fact snatch, he gave up on it after a short period of time because he is taught to share at home. If other children come up to him and snatch aggressively, I intervene. Otherwise, it's not my job to parent other children and I am not a helicopter mother, I won't be there for DS forever to manage every minor social interaction. I trust in him, he is learning what to do and he'll be fine, but thanks for your tips 😄

Show quote history

But it's ok for you to 'teach' the op how to deal with her child? Come on now.

AFewScrewsLucy · 09/02/2024 22:38

Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 22:34

Haha no it doesn't, but sounds like this is happening a lot! Crazy!

Show quote history

Well, that's so strange because I was at a soft play in a maidenhead aquatics today (where u can feed fish in big tanks just next to the cafe with a soft play in the back corner) ... where the exact same thing happened. Cafe staff member having to come over to intervene when the defensive mother was going on about how her child was autistic and she watches them etc. all over a parent that intervened when a child took a block etc.

So weird 😂

Cappuccino17 · 09/02/2024 22:41

@WithACatLikeTread no way would I teach my son it is okay to be bullied. My son stands up for himself and gets his way but is also used to playing with children and takes turns etc it's skills from nursery. If my son was the least bit upset like I said I would not ask him to give up a toy as his feelings are my number 1 priority and he knows his feelings are valued. Maybe you have misunderstood what I was trying to say.

Marchitectmummy · 09/02/2024 22:42

Miloandfreddy · 09/02/2024 19:38

Would it really have killed you to let the other child have the block and just distract your own with something else? Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill

Do you follow that advice as an adult?someone wants something you are holding what do you do just hand it over?

If you don't, then why should the OP teach their child to be submissive.

Original poster
Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 22:42

AFewScrewsLucy · 09/02/2024 22:38

Well, that's so strange because I was at a soft play in a maidenhead aquatics today (where u can feed fish in big tanks just next to the cafe with a soft play in the back corner) ... where the exact same thing happened. Cafe staff member having to come over to intervene when the defensive mother was going on about how her child was autistic and she watches them etc. all over a parent that intervened when a child took a block etc.

So weird 😂

Edited
Show quote history

That is mad! Exactly the same scenario, minus the fish 😂 I hope I don't somehow bump into that mum too, I don't need to relive this experience!

OP posts:
Fozzleyplum · 09/02/2024 22:45

YANBU. If a child really has been diagnosed with autism at 2 years old, there are significant issues. The parent or carer should be supervising at all times in that setting.

neighboursareselling · 09/02/2024 22:46

Miloandfreddy · 09/02/2024 19:38

Would it really have killed you to let the other child have the block and just distract your own with something else? Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill

why should anyone be dictated to by an out of control toddler. Would it have killed the other mother to control her kid?

WithACatLikeTread · 09/02/2024 22:46

Cappuccino17 · 09/02/2024 22:41

@WithACatLikeTread no way would I teach my son it is okay to be bullied. My son stands up for himself and gets his way but is also used to playing with children and takes turns etc it's skills from nursery. If my son was the least bit upset like I said I would not ask him to give up a toy as his feelings are my number 1 priority and he knows his feelings are valued. Maybe you have misunderstood what I was trying to say.

Edited

I was brought up fine. I have an autistic nephew slightly older than the child in the OP. No way would he be allowed to act the same way. He is very good with his manners etc. I don't see it an issue to expect this child to wait his turn.

My son was scratched in the face by a girl who wanted the car he was sitting in. I did the same as OP. No way was I forcing him out of that car.

Original poster
Avopopcorn · 09/02/2024 22:48

Cappuccino17 · 09/02/2024 22:41

@WithACatLikeTread no way would I teach my son it is okay to be bullied. My son stands up for himself and gets his way but is also used to playing with children and takes turns etc it's skills from nursery. If my son was the least bit upset like I said I would not ask him to give up a toy as his feelings are my number 1 priority and he knows his feelings are valued. Maybe you have misunderstood what I was trying to say.

Edited

Yeah he was definitely upset. If we see someone waiting or wanting a turn and he's had a decent go we do "one more minute and then that little boy's turn" and my DS is totally fine with that - he then stands nearby saying "DS will wait" until it's his turn again or goes and plays with something else. If the mum had been with the toddler it would have been easy to create that scenario but she wasn't so her son came in pushing and grabbing, upsetting mine.

OP posts:
kaytyy · 09/02/2024 22:49

You were right, I'd have done the same.

I had a similar issue when dc was just 3 and a girl of 7/8 pushed her flying as dc was where she wanted to go. About 10 mins later she mowed down dc again pushing through instead of walking past (plenty of width) or stopping waiting. Second time presses my buttons so I took dc to the girl and said 'we don't push, are you sorry' as I wanted dc to feel better without asking for an apology of a child I don't know to have the mum come over and say you won't get an apology off her, girl then gives mum a mouthful and runs off. I explained I'm teaching my dc about right / wrong/ not pushing/ apologising- mum said 'oh she's autistic so can't' wtf?!
I know autism and the level the girl was at she could have easily been taught to say sorry but won't as she's never had to.
Anyway mum then got back to her phone call while her dd carries on pushing all the little ones.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2024 22:50

I think you were in the wrong here. The other child wasn't being aggressive. And yet you interfered physically.

boomingaround · 09/02/2024 22:50

I agree the other mother sounds very odd but I also find blocking another child and attempting to discipline them yourself to be odd. I think a lot of parents would take offence to that, autism or not. She still sounds weird though.

Tessisme · 09/02/2024 22:52

gentlemum · 09/02/2024 19:44

At the age of 2, autistic or not, they can't understand sharing and not snatching. I think if there were loads of other blocks and the other toddler was hellbent on having the block your child was playing with I would have just said something like 'let's share with the little boy' and then given your child another block 'would you like to play with this one, wow look it's yellow..' to avoid drama. There's nothing to gain from trying to teach lessons about sharing at this age if it's going to cause meltdowns. However, the other mum's reaction sounds over the top and she should have been supervising her child more closely.

Surely you need to read this back and see where you have completely contradicted yourself here?

Anyway, I don't think you did anything wrong OP. Your child knows that you will stick up for him and that's important. Two is far too young to leave them to sort out their own disputes. The other mum overreacted, but then she was sticking up for her child too and maybe if he is recently diagnosed with ASD then she's still adjusting to things. She should have been watching him properly though.

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