To block a child at soft play

[Avopopcorn]

Just had a bizarre interaction with a lady at soft play today and want to know if I am being unreasonable. DS (two years old) was playing in the toddler section with building block. It's just us, and there are loads of other blocks. We're all sat on the ground (my baby is with me too). Another toddler, same sort of age comes charging over and tries to grab the block my DS is playing with. DS is obviously about to get upset and react. We've been working really hard on DS not hitting in this sort of situation and saying "mummy help" instead which he did, despite being obviously upset by the other toddler.

I put one hand on the block and one between DS and the toddler to block him coming closer but don't move him away or anything like that, just a barrier arm while I say to the toddler that DS is still playing and he can have a turn in a minute. Cue the mum storming in, shouting "he's autistic! He's autistic! He doesn't understand, what do you think you're doing?!?!". She was mad. So I explained and she's still mouthing off. Then she takes him away and thirty seconds later it all happens again. Cue more shouting about him being autistic (but no extra supervision from her...) as I still wasn't letting him just take the block. She gets him, calls me a bitch and storms off to complain about me to the staff.

Poor staff member comes over, and says that she says I pushed her child. I explained obviously not, didn't think much more of it. Twenty mins later we go to leave and this woman is still crying to the staff member!

I've played it back in my head a few times and I don't know what else I could have done really. This kid was all over us, no parent near, and it would have escalated into a toddler hitting match if I hadn't done anything. Plus it's unreasonable for my DS to have to tolerate some random toddler taking a toy he's actively playing with (everything else in there wasn't being used, it wasn't busy). All toddlers require supervision and surely even more so if he's autistic and doesn't understand? If she had been with him she could have sorted it out herself.

I'll just let him play in the road then shall I, as he should look after himself? Good to know you'll be one of the parents sat miles away on their phone while your kid makes life miserable for everyone else there.

You handled it fine, it sounds like the other mother is on edge. She was probably dreading a meltdown or something.

I just need to say that all this "they still need to learn" stuff really demonstrates a total lack of understanding of how autism can affect some people.

It really is not a case of treat children with autism the same as nt children because 'they' still need to learn or my favourite "autism is not an excuse". It's infuriating when parents of nt kids say it, it's fucking criminal when it comes out the mouths of parents of autistic kids!

They way you teach is different
Depending on the child, they may never be able to "still need to learn"
A disability is 100% an 'excuse' (aka reason) for any and all behaviours that exist wholly due to that disability.

Focus on the parent rather than spouting ableist shit about disabled children. You'd never say a blind child still had to learn to see or a deaf child still had to learn to hear would you? You'd never say that blindness is no excuse for not being able to see would you? You'd say the parents needed to get them the tools they needed and be there at all times to make sure they didn't fall over shit or bump into other kids.

Yet autistic children are treated like behaviours that are solely the result of their disability are somehow their fault and their choice and they can just be taught a good lesson and praise be the good lord hallelujah it's a miracle they're cured.

It takes a LOT to teach someone with autism a lot of those things that nt kids just pick up and some autistic children will never get there and that's not their fault.

If there's any blame it should be directed at parents of autistic children who don't put the hours in or don't step in or don't follow their child round.

Because we should always be doing those things and, to be blunt, not for your nt children but for our autistic children.

Is this really what people do? I never let my toddler snatch at soft play (but I'm also going round with her not leaving her to wander) nor would I let another toddler snatch from her. I would do same as op or similar, lay my hand on the toy, smile nicely at visiting toddler and say "oops sorry, we are still playing this one"

So OP should have let her child get upset and hit the child trying to take the toy off him?

Both mums know their sons’ temperaments. OP is teaching her son to ask for help instead of hitting. The other mum knows her child will take things off other children. Both parents are in charge of managing their children. OP was reinforcing what she is teaching her son and preventing him from hitting another child. Do you really think the other mum would have preferred OP to just stand back and let her son hit her child instead considering her reaction to OP simply putting her arm out without touching the child to prevent an escalation from her own?

My sons are both on the ASD spectrum and one is ADHD. I taught them that the world won't change for them and they must adapt. They weren't allowed to go round snatching toys and being obnoxious.

This. DS1 was suspected ASD at 3 and formally diagnosed at 5, but before we knew, we didn’t allow him or DS2 to go around snatching toys from others. Had numerous parents though think it was fine and watch their child try to take from mine so would hand them another toy and if that didn’t work, move my child somewhere else because I didn’t know what kind of parent I would be dealing with and wasn’t going to argue and upset my own children over a disgruntled parent who couldn’t be bothered.

All the talk of "but they need to learn to share" and laying into the OP certainly explains why there's so many unsupervised or poorly supervised younger children in soft plays who are left to their own devices and behaving poorly.

Snatching isn't sharing, nor is handing over whatever some random child wants and has tried to take from you.

We're meant to supervise our children at a level appropriate for their age.

It's our job to teach our children how to share and how to advocate for themselves and how to keep themselves safe.

Barely supervising a young child isn't giving them a learning experience. It's just laziness.

You handled it absolutely perfectly.

as a mother of a child with autism I have to watch her the entire time at softplay. Even if she was NT I would come in and apologise to YOU, explain that she has to wait for those blocks to become free and redirect her to play with something else. It’s sort of depressing that this isn’t the obvious choice.

Exactly this.

learning to share isn’t letting someone take a toy from you.

Quite. "Learning to share" is letting others play with your stuff, either if you are not playing with it at that moment or if you are happy to give it to them. It's NOT just letting any bully walk all over you. I wonder if being raised with the "Let the other child just take anything they want from you" attitude is part of the reason why so many posters' have a complete inability to assert themselves

You'd never say a blind child still had to learn to see or a deaf child still had to learn to hear would you?

Interesting. Actually yes you would. I'm a teacher of the deaf. In my experience of deaf children, VI children and also of children with autism, a lot of work happens to train them, whether in behaviour or in learning to listen through their devices or use the bit of sight they have. So that analogy doesn't work. I think we can have reasonable expectations of all those children and not pretend they can't learn.

As you said, @IncompleteSenten the way they learn may be very different but if we don't try to teach them then they never will learn. Of course it helps it their parent actually joins in!

Supervising her child would help.

. I wonder if being raised with the "Let the other child just take anything they want from you" attitude is part of the reason why so many posters' have a complete inability to assert themselves
Quite possibly.
I read something very interesting ages ago about the unintended consequences of certain parenting messages. There was some interesting ideas on the outlook that sharing = give that other child the thing they've demanded/snatched from you.

The first unintended consequence is that some children grow to think they have to hand over things to anyone who asks because that's being "nice" and "sharing", but it turns into poor boundaries and allowing themselves to be walked all over.

The second unintended consequence is some children learn that "if sharing means handing over whatever has been demanded" then other people also have to give me what I want on demand otherwise they're not nice/they're not sharing with me/I'm entitled to have what I want. It can lead to a fragile,self-centred outlook and these people end up quite wounded and feeling like the victim when someone says no or doesn't jump.

Excellent discussion skills. Well put. Now you have contributed I feel so much more informed. 👏
Im sure you kids are very grateful and safe in the knowledge that you won’t do anything you can to stop another kids snatching stuff off them- they will certainly remember the life long lesson, mum won’t help. Nice one.

Don’t agree, sorry.
If any child is around other children and interacting ie at a soft play then they do need to learn.
The world can be more tolerant but there is boundaries when it harms or negatively impacts another child.
Yes that applies if you are ND or blind or deaf or any other disability.
If they can’t learn at all and are going round smacking / snatching every child in sight for example then they shouldn’t be there. Not fair on the child or anyone else.

I'm sure it probably wouldn't but that's not the point is it? Why teach your child to constantly give up toys because someone demands it.

you can’t exclude children because of their disabilities (or you shouldn’t sadly it does happen) but what you can do is ask they are properly supervised.

some children will never learn those things, others it will take longer. But the adults with them need to ensure that they supervise and help appropriately not give carte blanche for them to do what they want.

Yeah, this. Children quarrel over stuff constantly especially aged 2. Distract and divert their attention, don't do weird stuff like blocking them with your arm and then fighting with other mums in the middle of soft play.

What??

That's when you bloody well start teaching them otherwise they become entitled, demanding brats.

OP's child wasn't quarrelling, he was playing quietly by himself. OP wasn't fighting, she was attacked.

Sharing does not mean just giving someone something you have that they want. If I was sat on a bus and someone demanded my seat as “I should share” I’d tell them to piss off.

Sharing means playing together and taking turns. An autistic child still needs to learn this (if possible), although by a parent who should be supervising. His mother should have been there to say let’s use these other blocks and play together. The other mother is in the wrong. Her bad day/stress etc should not have been focused at OP.

Yep. At 2 they most definitely can, and in fact if you don't start teaching them now this is when they start turning into brats

You block a toddler with your arm. There are lots of blocks around.

Fair enough.

You then have a probably very stressed, overwhelmed mum of an autistic child telling you he's autistic. He doesn't understand why he can't have that block.

Would it have killed you to have some compassion and offer the block, on the understanding of the disability this child has and clearly the stress the mum had.

Your behaviour could have made a difference. To the kid and the mum.

You'll go home and get on with your life and this was an incident that angered you enough to post of MN.

The other mum breaks down in public. Its probably the 100th thing she's had to deal with that day. And she'll have to continue to deal with parenting an autistic child for her remaining days.

Kindness. Compassion.

It was a few seconds decision based on OP knowing her own child.

OP is not a mind reader and her son had the toy first and was playing with it. There were plenty of blocks that the child could have played with but wanted the one her child was playing with. She said she is teaching her son not to hit when upset and having a toy taken off of him would upset him.

Why should she take the toy her own child is playing with to appease a random child when there were plenty of other blocks for the child to play with? What lesson would it be teaching her own child taking the block that he was playing with to give to someone else when there were plenty for the other child to have?

Where’s the kindness towards her child who is doing as his mummy is teaching him, to ask for help instead of hitting?

Many posters who have autistic children including myself wouldn’t have allowed our child to walk up and take a toy from another child and would apologise and steer our children away even if it upset them and made our day harder.

OP reinforced what she was teaching her child and protected this child from her son possibly hitting them.

I put one hand on the block and one between DS and the toddler to block him coming closer but don't move him away or anything like that, just a barrier arm while I say to the toddler that DS is still playing and he can have a turn in a minute. Cue the mum storming in, shouting "he's autistic! He's autistic! He doesn't understand, what do you think you're doing?!?!". She was mad. So I explained and she's still mouthing off. Then she takes him away and thirty seconds later it all happens again.

The mother allowed her child to come over again and try to take from OP’s child. The mum seems to think because her son is autistic he should be able to do what he likes otherwise she wouldn’t have allowed him to go over again after OP blocked him the first time or she once again wasn’t watching him, either way she is showing she isn’t watching him or is enabling him.

Eightfour · Today 09:47
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Sharing does not mean just giving someone something you have that they want. If I was sat on a bus and someone demanded my seat as “I should share” I’d tell them to piss off”.

Quite. Interesting how it’s usually the parents of pushy, bolshy kids who loudly insist that others should “share” with their offspring (ie give them what they want, when they want it).

I would have as much compassion for them as the hysterical woman had for OP's toddler who was playing happily minding his own business.