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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

537 replies

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 11:49

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 09/02/2024 17:09

“I would have thought him thoughtless or a bit daft but it wouldn't have crossed my mind he was parking there to be aggressive or to annoy you.

If I'd seen you in the doctors I'd have thought you were behaving really badly. I think you were behaving unfairly on everyone involved. At least you, sort of, acknowledge that.

I'm not someone that ever has a temper so I find it a little hard to understand the mindset of people who are mouthy or bolshy. I have no problem standing up for myself even in quite awkward situations but I never loose my composure. It's far more effective to deal with things calmly and rationally. There are also times when I know it's pointless or potentially dangerous to say anything so I don't.

I do wonder how all the people who go through life having road rage and getting angry about things get through life. It must be tiring. “

This.

Once he had parked elsewhere, any drama should have been done. I don’t suppose he did anything just to annoy you.

The escalation, by you, wasn’t necessary.

JodieFostersFurHood · 09/02/2024 17:10

There are so many unpredictable people out there that it is preferable not to engage with them in situations like this. You never know when it can turn really bad. He could have had a knife and you could be dead. This is a huge problem in our society today but really you can't take chances because someone doesn't act the way you want them to.

Catshaveiteasy · 09/02/2024 17:10

This may have already been aaked, but does your personal history suggest a reason why you might over react to perceived slights? Your brain may be triggered more easily than most because of past experiences.

I tend to believe people are unintentionally annoying, unless I have evidence to the contrary. That means, I usually forgive them a mistake. The old man may not have been thinking about what you were doing, or hadn't seen you. It's doubtful he was deliberately making things difficult. Even if he was, I usually feel it's not worth arguing with crazy.

You might like to research assertiveness techniques to prepare yourself to act calmly in situations where you need to stick up for yourself. I found knowing how to do this extremely helpful. It usually means the other person doesn't react by getting angry.

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:11

Your son will grow up to copy your behaviours, and being a man, full of testosterone, will most likely end up hitting people where you mostly just shout. Think about the kind of future you are setting up for him. You don't right wrongs by verbally attacking people.

Daylightsavingscrime · 09/02/2024 17:12

I think picking a fight in the waiting room was a mistake but I can see why you saw red. An empty car park and he decided to reverse into the space you’re standing in 🙄

I remember one time I was walking along the pavement and someone pulled out of their drive at speed just as I was about to walk past it. Stopped on the pavement, driver was craning her neck the other way to look at traffic, no clue I was there. She nearly knocked me over! You can’t afford to be a dumbass when you’re at the wheel of a car.

Anyway I didn’t thump on her window and yell and I suppose that’s probably for the best. Kind of wish I had done though 😕

AmethystSparkles · 09/02/2024 17:19

I have a history of doing this OP. As someone else has said, these people can’t be reasoned with. That man had a problem with women in SUVs and took his anger out on you. Someone who does something like that isn’t going to listen. All those people watching knew that he was at fault because he tried to assault you!

I still get angry about the older woman in Hunstanton Tesco who deliberately mowed down my toddler with her shopping trolley. I picked him up (he was screaming) and raced after her shouting, but she completely ignored me! Some people put us in these impossible situations….how could anyone know how to react in that situation?! Just when you relax because it’s not happened for a while, another sociopath pops up!!

You’re not autistic/infj are you? We do tend to react to injustice more than most. Try to see it as a challenge. Or react to these people the way you would to bad weather or a natural disaster…you wouldn’t take these things personally. They will always appear and it’s always when you’re off guard. Some of them might be seriously mentally unwell and it isn’t worth the risk of confronting them.

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:19

One if the reasons I left my husband was his constant anger towards people - swearing at other drivers, muttering under his breath, rude gestures. He ALWAYS felt in the right and justified in his actions; everyone else was a wanker, a tosser, an idiot, a dozy cow. I very rarely experience that kind of anger, and my life is so much pleasanter now that I don't have to witness it. Be the change you wish to see in the world. The world isn't full of idiots, it's full of people exactly like you, so no need for the constant aggro.

AmethystSparkles · 09/02/2024 17:21

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:19

One if the reasons I left my husband was his constant anger towards people - swearing at other drivers, muttering under his breath, rude gestures. He ALWAYS felt in the right and justified in his actions; everyone else was a wanker, a tosser, an idiot, a dozy cow. I very rarely experience that kind of anger, and my life is so much pleasanter now that I don't have to witness it. Be the change you wish to see in the world. The world isn't full of idiots, it's full of people exactly like you, so no need for the constant aggro.

She didn’t say that she does it every five minutes at people who don’t deserve it. It’s happened to me and I’m not an angry person at all. I’m very quiet and passive usually.

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:25

So anyway OP, how are you going to deal with this? You've recognised your own weakness which is admirable, what will be the thing that makes you change?

PictureALadybird · 09/02/2024 17:26

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Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:30

AmethystSparkles · 09/02/2024 17:21

She didn’t say that she does it every five minutes at people who don’t deserve it. It’s happened to me and I’m not an angry person at all. I’m very quiet and passive usually.

Read the post. She calls it a typical situation.

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:31

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I don't have another word to articulate this- other than stuff or people who put my son's safety in jeopardy is really very triggering.

OP posts:
Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:32

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:11

Your son will grow up to copy your behaviours, and being a man, full of testosterone, will most likely end up hitting people where you mostly just shout. Think about the kind of future you are setting up for him. You don't right wrongs by verbally attacking people.

Christ almighty. That is quite the reach 😆

jhy · 09/02/2024 17:33

Just like how you say things, people bite back too.
I cannot bear people who confront in public, it never resolves the problem, only escalates leaving both people wound up and the situation worse.

LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething · 09/02/2024 17:33

BuddhaAtSea · 09/02/2024 12:28

I would have done the same, but rather than confronting him in reception, I would have said to the receptionist ( so he can hear): the gentleman seems to have no awareness and repeatedly tried to reverse into me and my child. I’m going to report his driving, but I’m letting you know he is not safe, in case there is a medical underlying reason. And then tilt my head at him.

I live in God’s waiting room it seems, got practice with this kind of shit.

This is a great response that would satisfy my annoyance and shock and also be constructive (when I actually did flipping report his driving!)

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:34

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:30

Read the post. She calls it a typical situation.

It's not an everyday occurrence! Perhaps I should have said a typical example. I don't think I generally have anger management issues. The person describing theirs ex's behaviour was describing road rage I think...

OP posts:
PictureALadybird · 09/02/2024 17:34

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TheFairyCaravan · 09/02/2024 17:35

You sound awful.

The man realised he’d made a mistake and parked elsewhere so that should have been the end of it. No one knows why he was going into the doctors, he might have had an ingrown toenail or r he might have been getting biopsy results so I would cut him some slack.

Why you felt you had to confront him is beyond me. This wouldn’t have been a conversation in a usual volume if the receptionist had to intervene either. He absolutely should not have pushed anyone but you need to check your behaviour too.

At no point did you have any consideration for the other people in the waiting room, who are there because they’re unwell.

Rainallnight · 09/02/2024 17:36

I am similar OP. I had a blazing row with a motorist this morning because he came around the corner too fast and I was afraid he was going to hit the DC.

DD told me that she’d felt embarrassed in case one of her friends saw and I’ve felt dreadful all day

momonpurpose · 09/02/2024 17:36

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:31

I don't have another word to articulate this- other than stuff or people who put my son's safety in jeopardy is really very triggering.

You are one of the people putting you child's safety in jeopardy too. I hope you get the help you need so this does not escalate.

Veronicaisaflower · 09/02/2024 17:36

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:32

Christ almighty. That is quite the reach 😆

You don't think all those angry men out there grew up with parents who had anger issues? Bit naive are we?

JennyGracexx · 09/02/2024 17:36

@Namechangey23 the people who are questioning your parenting are trying to wind you up and make you feel shit about yourself. Ignore it- you weren't the one shoving people around in a waiting room. Those trolling someone on an online forum are hardly setting an example to their children either.

Ohlookwhoitis · 09/02/2024 17:37

He absolutely should not have pushed anyone but...

Another one...

Woodenwonder · 09/02/2024 17:37

So OP, you came here for advice about to help yourself, do you feel you've got some? I think there were one or two constructive and unbiased posts that could be helpful ☺️

Cerealkiller4U · 09/02/2024 17:38

Namechangey23 · 09/02/2024 17:34

It's not an everyday occurrence! Perhaps I should have said a typical example. I don't think I generally have anger management issues. The person describing theirs ex's behaviour was describing road rage I think...

i don’t know many people who would have a go at someone 5 mins after the fact. Now he should NEVER of put his hands on you….never ever. That was 100000% wrong

However do you think if you hadn’t of started trying to get him to apologise do you think he would have still pushed you? Honestly?