To hate him with a passion?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

You're already doing everything you can practically do by seeing a solicitor, so nothing to add to that. In general financial terms if you haven't already, get in touch with Macmillan as there are grants to be applied for in your circumstances that could ease the pressure a little. As for your hatred of your ex, only nurse that if the anger energises you. If it's a drain or distraction from the things that give you joy and peace, thoughts of your DD and partner and your love for them, then try to find a way to let it go. You know better than anyone that sometimes life is horribly unfair and you are powerless to do anything but accept. This could well be another of those. This awful human being doesn't warrant a minute of your headspace or emotions, not even the energy of hating him.

@BananaWaving

That's a really good suggestion 👌

Publicity humiliate and tell friends family and associates about your Arsehole of an ex husband, @HelpIcantfindaname

I am just reading your post and even though i don't know,
I wouldn't want to know him, !
i can't stand your ex husband either what he is doing,

This saying springs to mind

Any idiot or loser can become a father
It takes a real man to be a good enough Dad

He is just like sperm Donor.

You be susprised how effective it can potentially be,
if tell other people you know,
what an Arsehole he really is and having a shit hot good solicitor backing your case for you...

Best of Luck

Sorry your having such shit luck in your life

A real man a good enough one would be falling over himself to support you in every way possible

Have you got plenty of families and friends support behind you?

What are your ex husband's family like then?

Just wondering 🤔 in Swansea there used to is a charity that is like a well being retreat for people diagnosed with cancer,
Providing complentary treatments,

Is there any charities out there can give you suitable support and respite well being care for you too ?

Typo omission
Even though i don't know him your ex ect

I am so sorry for what you are going through. For all reading this I cannot stress enough the importance of getting good protection advice and reviewing your policies on a regular basis (certainly when family circumstances change).

I suspect its correct that he should get half, i wonder for the sake of 30k whether it is worth spending these months fighting- your daughter at 15 has the measure of what a toxic "human" her father is and that is quite a gift in itself, at least she knows to spare herself from ever investing time in him. With her blessing i would absolutely name and shame him at every opportunity though!

The nuclear option is NOT the local newspaper.

Not like anyone would miss him.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this arsehole at such an awful time. I have no advice other than that some solicitors do still offer free advice, so maybe ring around a few while you’re waiting on MacMillan.

This is one thread which I fervently hope is picked up by the press - this bastard needs naming and shaming, as do his family.

Not read the whole thread. However you have my 100% sympathy and thinking of you on your cancer journey.

I have been through an acrimonious and litigated divorce which went to court multiple times. I am a single parent of my two kids whose father has recently split from his second wife and young child (half sibling to my own children)

I don't want to be depressing in any way but please can I suggest to you that the UK family courts will not find in your favour. UK family court judges are definitely bias in favour of fathers with a view to enabling them to go on to new lives to have more children where desired and give them everything in terms of a financial clean break in order to do so. A judge in a UK family court will look at your ex husband and if he wants to have kids with someone else the judge will do everything in his (99% of the time it is a he) power to ensure your ex husband has the financial means to do so.

The best you can hope for is enough support via the NHS for your cancer treatment. I honestly wouldn't waste any money on a family law solicitor or going to court. And I am female and I am a solicitor (practicing in commercial law but with plenty of experience in family law court decisions in the UK especially in the last 8 or so years)

I am so sorry for what is happening to you. I can imagine the grief for I am grieving myself. But this was going to happen if your ex-H's name was on the policy and he sounds a right arse. Similar happened over money in my own divorce many years ago. See a solicitor as soon as you can, please. And don't let it sour your time now.

What a fucking turd of a human being he is.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If I was you OP, I'd be tempted to 'forget' to pay him the money. It would be understandable under the circumstances and would at least make it more difficult for him to try and prise the money out of your daughter in the future. Even if he takes her to court, it would take considerable time and money (and a pyschopathic level of greed) to access it. Some people will take and take and there's not much you can do other than put obstacles in their way.

I’d ask to speak to someone a bit more senior at the insurance company. Your ex-husband has no insurable interest in your health anymore. He isn’t a financial dependent and he doesn’t live in the house. The one with the interest is your daughter. You can’t claim on insurance for something that you don’t have an interest/or will suffer a loss for. I think this is the route you need to put the solicitor on when you get some help.

He’s a cunt. 💐💐💐💐

I have to agree with this.
Your ex-DH is surely the lowest kind of person that ever walked this planet and obviously has little care, love or affection for your DD.
On a more practical note, I realise that paying the mortgage is now much more difficult for you but hope that you have applied for attendance allowance under the special rules. This will fast track money to you which will help you now - along with anything else that may help you.
At the very least if the mortgage is paid off even with ex-DHs' share that frees up your day to day money to save for your DD. Your ex-DH can sue your estate later!!
This is a horrendous situation that you are facing and I also think that @HassledAndHarassed comments about any sums your ex-DH may owe now or even in the future should be calculated and ring-fenced as security for your DD.
You have 'One life! Live it!' is the mantra I live by now after treatment for cancer 7 years ago.
I want for you to live your life with your DD and your loved ones now - make memories and be happy!!! 💗

What an utter wanker, I hope he gets hit by a bus.

The policy will pay out what's left on the mortgage so just under £60k

So that means that you will not be able to pay off all of the remaining mortgage given he gets half.

I have no experience or real advice but would definitely explore all the options with the solicitors people suggested. It might be illegal not to give him the money but if it is paid out to you what is the worst that can happen if you don’t? Make him work hard if he wants it. If the money won’t be paid out to you I’d probably focus first on making sure that it is paid to you (if possible)

I don’t imagine anyone would go to prison if you don’t give him the money. Could you ever be asked to pay him compensation on top of you make him go through courts is the other thing I would find out.

Very sorry for your diagnosis and this is going to sound horrible but I would basically ask the solicitors:

• how to make sure the money hits your bank account and not his (you think it will but make sure)
• what are the repercussions if you then don’t pay him. What is the worse that could happen? You won’t be here for that much longer unfortunately so in some way that might make it harder for him to do anything about? No one can put a gun to your head and make you transfer the cash.
• etc, etc…

Basically unless the solicitors you speak to will say it will be possible legally to make sure you get the entire sum, focus on finding out what is the worst if you don’t play ball, don’t follow the rules and make it incredibly hard for him to get the money.

And as you are doing already, name and shame along the way so it is clear that morally really the money was always yours anyway.

Do you have a financial settlement from the divorce?
If he has paid nothing towards it and do you have it in writing about him wanting to cancel it could that help?
Check small print, if this had been taken out to pay off the mortgage on your house, surely that is what it should be used for.
He is being totally immoral..

@HelpIcantfindaname also be smart about how you communicate with him between now and the point the cash arrives in your bank account. Again, I have no idea how it works but if he could stop you from receiving the money full stop by not claiming make him think that you will pay him (even if begrudgingly given the naming and shaming started already), but get him into a place of false security where all your promises are verbal and you don’t sign anything extra that would give him addition right to the cash.

And the money must hit your bank account ! If he wants the pay out directly to his account again, false sense of security, find a way how to make him feel there is no need for that.

He is a scumbag, play his game.

I’d be really be tempted to do this too, not pay him. I do know solicitors and used to work for them where they’d sometimes advise if I mentioned something but they’d probably want money now to discuss a new case.

Is your prognosis really 10 months? I am so so sorry… 😢 Your ex deserves the worst outcome ever. Karma will hopefully get him.

Do the Gofundme and I’ll donate too.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been covered, but 1. is it possible to change the contact details on the policy so correspondence comes to you not him, and 2. is there a terminal illness clause on the policy? In which case it would pay out now.

He's a piece of shit. Total total scumbag. I'm wishing all sorts of stuff on him for you.

Do not pay him!! What’s he gonna do?

I hate him like all the Pps- karmas a bitch and he’s gonna get what’s coming to him. Captain Cunt this is the biggest cunt I have read about in all my life! All the angry energy on here will catch up with him. And he’s losing a wonderful daughter over his actions so more fool him! May he suffer terribly for the rest of his time. He deserves to.

I sincerely hope you don’t let this mar your time left & im sending warm hugs & good energy to you & your dd and family ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I think you said you were in hospital today OP

Hope all goes well and that this shit-stain tire of a man isn't dominating your thoughts.

Agree with everyone who has said

Shame him (I would definitely tell OW about her Prince)

Go public

Pay of the mortgage with all £60k the minute it hits the account.

What's he going to do? Threaten legal action? Sadly, he doesn't have time.

Fuck
Him.

Turd
Not
Tire

💩

This is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever been part of. I can’t imagine anyone being such an arsehole to someone with such a diagnosis, let alone the mother of his children.

OP - first thing, did you get a clean financial break agreement when you divorced ? If so I don’t think he can legally claim this money, as the agreement ends all financial claims on both parties - so it would follow that you get the full payout as you are paying the mortgage and living in the property. If you have one, mention it to the solicitor so they can advise. Secondly, have you clarified with the insurance company that he is not responsible for paying the mortgage on the property ? I’m assuming his name is not on the deeds ? As a pp advised, I wouldn’t wait for MacMillan, I would ring round for a solicitor who gives free advice to establish whether you have a case. So very sorry for your circumstances.

@Blackcats7 I’m actually very play by the rules person myself. Did your ex receive the money already?

As I’ve written in response to OPs post what will happen if you ignore the law and just make sure you receive the cash and then make it hard for him to get his hands on?

Just ignore all communications asking you to pay him.

The law is not always fair and there is always the moral question.

Too good for him. This is a new low isn’t it ?

So what happens if you don’t pass over the money? You say it wouldn’t be legal to do so, but do you know what actually happens? People play silly buggers with money all the time and get away with it. Perhaps you need to think more like a low life scum bag and less like a law abiding, truthful citizen.