To hate him with a passion?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

YANBU. Even if he is entitled to the money, no decent person would take it, especially under these circumstances. I don’t know the legality of it, but morally he’s totally in the wrong imo. I hope he comes to his senses and decides not to take the money or you find a way to legally not give it to him.

OP, if the ALL the money comes to you, spend it or hide it. Let him take YOU to court for it and just ignore any court papers.

If you are well enough, go travelling with your family. Or put it in an offshore account. Buy a house in Spain, somewhere he doesn't know about and/or cannot touch.

I think the key is to seemingly blow through it. I'm not sure if he can make a claim against your estate though so solicitor advice needed here.

Lots of men when divorcing women seem to keep all the savings because they are crafty and shrewd.

Get crafty!

I've been wracking my brain for some kind of help or solution to offer, op. What a horrible situation for you to be in, and what an absolute dick splash your worthless ex is.

Legally, I don't know what happens after your death to advise you on whether or not to just take the money and pay off the mortgage - I don't know whether they'd come after your dh for the money instead and you won't want that for him. Hopefully there's a lawyer on here who might be able to advise you.

I'm so sorry this sad excuse for a man and a father is putting you through this, on top of everything else you and your daughter are dealing with. You are tremendously brave.

@HelpIcantfindaname this is bound to get picked up by the Daily Fail at this rate. Have a think whether that will help or hinder you. If it will help, I suggest inviting them publicly to interview you and if it won't, maybe post a message saying that you hope they won't use this story, or ask mumsnet to pull the thread

PS I know this is not what you need on your plate right now....💐

I'm so glad I took my blood pressure before I read this. This has really pissed me off big time.

Clearly the OP needs some very good legal advice. I do hope some people on here can advise her. Perhaps also put this in legal?

Some on here are saying to put all the money in the mortgage and let him sweat and chase it. If anything happened to the OP, surely the DD or anyone else would not be accountable for this, as they are not the one who did it? Surely it would send it all down some deep dark hole for a couple of years going round in circles?

This is so upsetting. I definitely think get the papers/local news involved. And then check out what would happen if you did just bank the money and spend it. If there’s no recourse for your DH/DD I’d do that.

Would it help to post this in the legal section too? Sorry if that’s already been suggested.

I know so many men who shit all over their own children for the sake of money. I despise all of these men.

YANBU to hate him OP.

I'm so sorry.

You're a warrior and that is a huge gift your daughter will gave with her for life.

I feel like it is so understandable that you are furious yet I also want foe you to not let this awful person steal any more of your energy.

Sending love from out in the ether.

Do you all not think he's low enough to go after her estate?

He'd probably be happy to spend it on legal bills so they didn't get it.

I'm so sorry OP. Get proper legal advice and I do hope Karma comes after him

He is disgusting. He will undoubtedly squander the money and his daughter will despise him for life. I’m so sorry you and she are going through this, OP. But you have the knowledge that you’re a good parent, and he will never have that.

OP I'm so sorry.

I hope you feel the love coming from us all, and the outrage on you and your DD's behalf towards that bad, bad man.

And I hope you are proud that you gave DD the gift of getting away from him.

Pretty much.

I don't think 90% of posters on this thread are actually thinking about their advice.

If he's low enough to do this, he's low enough to go after OP / the estate for defamation if they went to the papers. And unfortunately, he'd be in the right.

He would also be low enough to go after the estate if OP passed away and he didn't get his beneficial entitlement under the policy. And again, he'd have a strong argument. And it would be OPs daughter who'd have to deal with it.

Placing reliance on him to a) do the right thing or b) go quietly if he doesn't get what's owing is a bloody stupid move.

Firstly, I am so sorry about your diagnosis, and this man is a grade A c*nt.

Secondly, if the money is being paid into your account, what would happen if you just use it to pay off your mortgage?

Because surely it would take quite a long time for him to take you to court over that money. Once money is gone it's very hard to get it back, as lots of people know on here from their terrible ex's.

Can you at least refuse to hand over the money for as long as possible? And try every delay tactic that you can?

OP I am so sorry you're going through this.

Would it be worth doing a go fund me for the remainder of the mortgage? Every £300 you get is a 1% chunk off.

So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half

So is this a life insurance policy (with named beneficiaries), a critical illness policy or are you claiming under a terminal illness clause on a life insurance policy? And when you say you’ve put in a claim do you mean you have fully proceeded with the claim and the insurance company has the details of your diagnosis already?

Presumably you divorced more than six months ago so too late to request a joint policy is transferred to two separate individual policies? If it’s a life insurance policy paying early then presumably he is one beneficiary (who is the other, your daughter?) so not much you can do.

But if it’s critical illness and it’s a joint policy then the payout will presumably come half to you and half to your ex and the insurance company will need account details for each of you (assuming you don’t still have a joint account of course). So I doubt you can do what PPs have suggested and simply keep the money. Though if it did, I agree - keep it - it would be insurance fraud but it would be a completely separate issue to your estate so I doubt there could be any claim against your estate in future.

The only thing that you could do maybe is, if you haven’t already shared full disclosure of your diagnosis to the insurance company, and assuming money is the main driver for your ex, tell him you won’t claim unless he agrees to have the insurance company pay 3/4 to your account and he only gets 1/4. Not perfect but at least you’d get more of the total. You can always tell that if he doesn’t agree it doesn’t matter as you have life insurance that will cover the mortgage once you’re gone - how will he know otherwise? He can’t claim the critical illness cover without your cooperation on your medical information.

My god, what have I just read??

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Sending you love and strength ❤️

As for him, I hope his pubic hair is eternally infested with fleas and lice and he gets gangrene on his penis and it falls off into the OWs coffee!!!

Yes!

Op if it’s any consolation I hate him too. I hope the arsehole somehow senses the MN loathing for him and feels vaguely uncomfortable and perturbed all day.

YANBU and I'm so sorry to hear what is happening to you, OP. 💐💐💐

His behaviour is jaw-droppingly awful.

I wouln't give him a fucking penny. Draw the money, pay it all off the mortgage, then let him take you to court for it. I'd hope no judge would award him a penny if it meant selling your DD's home. Obv. find out legalities first though.

What a fucking cunt he is. People like him don’t deserve to live.

The only thing that you could do maybe is, if you haven’t already shared full disclosure of your diagnosis to the insurance company, and assuming money is the main driver for your ex, tell him you won’t claim unless he agrees to have the insurance company pay 3/4 to your account and he only gets 1/4. Not perfect but at least you’d get more of the total. You can always tell that if he doesn’t agree it doesn’t matter as you have life insurance that will cover the mortgage once you’re gone - how will he know otherwise? He can’t claim the critical illness cover without your cooperation on your medical information

This is a really good idea. We had a slightly similar situation , although it was the type of policy that pays out at term, which was 25 or 30 years, neither of us were ill.

Dh had taken it out when he was with ex, then they split up after a year and he had paid it for the whole term minus one year. He got legal advice but they said he couldn’t do anything and that she would get half.

So he said he wouldn’t claim it at all unless she agreed to sign a document saying half of each of their shares would go to their DD / my step daughter ( who lived with us full time). So the ex got 25% and DSD got 50% and my DH got 25%

So the ex either got nothing or one quarter, and she was able to tell DSD how great she was as she was giving her all that money

It was a smaller sim than your policy and of course the situation was much easier as no one was ill. It appealed to both the ex greed and her need to look good to her DD.

Unfortunately your ex is just greedy and evil. But you might be able to use his greed against him by doing what @MandyMotherOfBrian suggests.

There are no words to describe a man who steals money from his own child that she is only getting because her mother is terminally ill

This . Go straight to the source explain the situation to the insurance company and see what they say. If you don't have a copy of the policy ask them to e mail it to you .