To hate him with a passion?

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Back story - Ex hubby & I took out a policy for decreasing mortgage cover when our DD was born 15 years ago in both of our names.
I'd bought the house before I met him, it's always been in my name. I've always paid the mortgage, & actually all of the other bills as he worked very few hours in a low paid job. Even when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he chose not to. He spent most of his time playing on his computer.

EX H left to live with OW when DD was 7.

He wanted me to cancel the mortgage insurance policy as he didn't want his name on it. I wanted to keep it as it meant DDs home was secure if either of us passed.

Fast forward to now - I have Stage 4 cancer & prognosis is about 10mths. I had to take ill health retirement. I never expected to be living off my pension while still paying a mortgage, money is tight. So I put in a claim for the mortgage insurance, only to find out ex H is entitled to half.

If DD wanted to live with him after I died I'd set up a trust fund, but she doesnt. She wants to stay in the house she's always lived in with her step dad & step brother. It's closer to her school & friends, & also her grown up siblings & their kids. Ex H has let her down so many times over the years, she's not keen on visiting anymore & knows he's unreliable.

Ex H originally said he wouldn't take the money. He knows its for DDs security. I'm having to dip into DDs University fund for living expenses now, with still having a mortgage to pay.

He says he's entitled to it cos he didn't take much when we divorced. Maintainance has always been paid but a very low amount, he doesn't treat DD to anything. He only put curtains in her room at his last year & she still doesn't have a proper quilt. He hasn't said he will spend the money on DD, he wants it for himself.

I don't want to give this excuse for a man a penny. Yet he's gona get £30k for nothing. He's basically cashing in on the fact I'm dying. He owns his house, has a car & still lives with the woman he left for. He doesn't need this money. We do. DD won't speak to him because he's shown money is more important to him than her security. And even though he knows she wants nothing to do with him if he takes the money he still wants it. To him it's worth losing his relationship with his only child.

I'm seeing a solicitor but I don't think we will get far.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

AIBU to hate him with a passion?

One option is to tell him you'll give him half then don't. Pay off the mortgage and let him sue you, THAT'S when you go to the newspapers. You'll get a nice Go Fund Me for your daughter's future and his life will be ruined. Win win.

You do need to get a lawyer engaged so hopefully Macmillan can help you. I just wanted to say, because lots of people are giving the same advice not to pay him, but some are saying about you breaking the law. You may not be breaking the law. You may be breaking a contractual requirement, but that is absolutely not the same thing. It's an important distinction.

Please please do this☝. let the dirty f ucker sue!!

Jesus I hate him already!!

The mortgage money will come to your bank account, so pay the mortgage off immediately with it. Then, exh will need to contest your estate to see that money which will cost much more than £30k in legal fees. Prime your current DH to drag the process on as long as her possibly can.

If it went to court would your new partner and DD have to fight it?

Agreed, I have definitely read this before a few years back.

i don’t mean to sound morbid here but… if you got the payment to your account and didn’t give it to him, how much would that matter? Civil cases take a while and he’s have to go explain to a solicitor that he wants this money from from his dying ex wife and daughter, rather than securing his daughter a home. Would he? And even if he did, would it matter? Would he get you to court before you pass? I’m so sorry to say that, it’s awful but would he be able to actually do anything in the time frame?

And would he force your daughter to sell the house once she inherits so he could get his 30k? Would he actually do that?

Part of me thinks that if the money comes to you and your in a timeframe now, then does it matter? But I don’t know the legalities and how far he would take it.

I hate him too.

Agree with PP I would pay off the mortgage with the money and let him come after you.

I appreciate this doesn’t help you now OP but when I divorced I had the benefit of a good friend who worked in life insurance and she explained how to get deeds of assignment for policies I would continue to pay for, and XH can’t touch the money. Might help someone else who is currently separating.

My heart goes out to you. 💐

But also, set up a gofundme and write about why; write exactly what he is doing and share it everywhere amongst his social circle and family’s social media. So they can all read what he is doing and how he is leaving his daughter without a secured home.

I'm so sorry you're facing this OP. With limited time, I would try not to spend your energies on this pathetic excuse for a man/husband/father. Yes it's a lot of money he'll get, but I don't think it's healthy for you to dwell on this. I know it's not fair given his behaviour. Can the insurance payout go into a trust fund for your daughter? I think it's worth making it hard for him to spend it on his selfish self.

Oh ,OP. This is awful. Really hope you work out some way around this.

Sending hugs 💐

He might but by the time anything actually happened OP will likely have passed (so sorry OP). Like many other PPS I'd just keep the money and let him sue you for it!

And this here is exactly why I'll never get married or trust another man ever again. This is evil EVIL.

What a piece of work!

Im so sorry you are going through all this

How old is your daughter? She might have to live with him is she’s under 16

He doesn’t have to know anything by Monday. No more energy on this please block him. Please focus on your healing and peace ❤️

I also hate this man with a passion. He is the lowest of the low. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, OP.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment, I'd be very wary of contributing to any Go Fund Me without checking out behind the scenes first. Nothing personal against anyone posting here, but just don't give me than you can afford to lose.

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine years ago . She went to the local newspaper and basically he was shamed into letting the DC have the house and money .
Hugs 💐

I really doubt she doesn’t know. And all his family are backing this so she’s probably surrounded by people who are supporting his actions assuming she has contact with his family and it’s likely she’s fallen into line.

yes some women have principles but the fact she was the OW speaks volumes. I doubt she’d suddenly have much of a conscience about how he treats his ex considering she was happy to play a part in the breakdown of his marriage.

edited to add - just checked and OP has actually stated she is aware.

I hope Karma does get him. He says his parents, sister & girlfriend all back his decision

OP he sounds morally bankrupt and I’m not surprised you can’t stand him. His behaviour is vile and your daughter deserves a better father but at least she has you fighting her corner. I hope you and your daughter get some justice and he keeps his hands off her money.

another vote for pay off the mortgage, cut all ties with him and his hideous family, and let him take legal action. Contacting any of them including his partner, to appeal to their better nature won’t work when they don’t have one. It’s really stressful, expensive and a long drawn out process to try and get money you’re entitled to through the courts. Don’t make it easy for him.

Aching pong hole of a man.

Lots of good advice on here, I hope your next treatments go ok.

@Pinkplans absolutely agree.
Let him take you to court. Absolute arsehole.

The mortgage money will come to your bank account, so pay the mortgage off immediately with it. Then, exh will need to contest your estate to see that money which will cost much more than £30k in legal fees. Prime your current DH to drag the process on as long as her possibly can

Listen to this person ^

Instead of handing over the 30K, I would make his life as difficult as possible. I would put block after block after block in his way to make sure by the time he got the 30K he was 50K in debt.

If the solicitor says that he is entitled to it in the long run, ask them what can be done to block him. Change tact to this. Tell them your situation. Leave a plan and documents for them so they are clear on what is happening. Make it as difficult for him as possible. Make sure by the time he gets the money, your DD is older and at Uni or further. DO NOT make it easy for him. Screw him over as much as you can. Teach him a lesson he will never forget.

Is your partner, DD's step dad taking over the mortgage or anything? What can be done to salvage the house and keep it, if he ends up with the 30K?

I wish you well with your treatment. Surely there is some hope for you with recovery and I send you my very best wishes.

To your ex I send bad vibes across the universe, and I hope the OW is a shrieking banshee who gives him shit every day of his life and nags him to death over the blocked 30K.

If you can get the money then pay off the mortgage. If you can’t then ask the Macmillan solicitor about Schedule 1 of the Children Act - it provides for lump sums to be made to benefit a child of the family. A solicitor’s letter to him saying you’ll bring an application and apply for a costs order against him might work

Also, if the unfortunate happens and you are not here, what happens about maintenance for your DD?

What about 30K - the maintenance he has to pay legally for the rest of the legal time he has to do it? Is he paying the full amount? Has he paid the full legal amount? Does he owe you anything?

Calculate it all up and see what it comes to. Ask the solicitor if you can take steps to take it as a lump sum out of the 30K.