To not be a guarantor for my sister

[PinkShimmerSparkle]

Even though this means they and their 3 children might become homeless.
My DSis and her DH are not fantastic with money, I always assumed that they made sure that bills, mortgage etc were paid and all their nights out and their regular purchases of new technology, holidays etc were bought from disposable income but in hindsight it is obvious that they were always spending beyond their means, this is none of my business and I absolutely would never get involved or say anything.
They have both been working until recently when her DH left his job, she tells me that they have missed one mortgage payment and have now been issued an eviction notice.
They are looking at renting but everything requires a guarantor and she has asked me and DH to be one, as she knows we both earn and can save every month, but this is only because we are careful with what we spend.
I have said no but feel bad that they might become homeless.
AIBU?

does it not seem strange to you that she says she missed one payment and she’s being evicted? Mortgage companies are quite sympathetic these days, they will change monthly payments, increase the term of the loan etc to help people. Do you have a mortgage? If you think it works like this how do you sleep at night with the thought that a missed payment will see you out on the street? Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be a guarantor to anyone that needed a guarantor, and there is more to this than she’s admitting.

We’ve been asked twice by family members and said no both times. If the person can’t get credit it’s because the company they’re trying to get credit from deems them a risk. Don’t take that risk on.

OP I do hope you take on board what your DH is saying, he's giving you good advice and knows it's playing on your mind, your DSis may have been banking on you not mentioning it to your DH so his message has hopefully put an end to your DSis contacting you regarding their situation in future.

I saw that recently on TikTok and my jaw was on the floor. The daughter was off on holiday, leaving her poor mum in tears.

My DH is wonderful (is also a massive pain in the backside at times), we have been together over 20 years and he is 100% supportive especially with my family.

A little background I have been diagnosed with Anxiety since I was 8 years old and am mid 40’s now, I was mentally /emotionally abused by a parent when I was a child and this causes me to overthink everything, we have been low contact for 15 years and my anxiety is under control except when I have interactions with my family.
My DH has shown me that I am worth something and deserve unconditional love, I have raised my children in a completely opposite to the way I was raised as a result.

I will not reply to my sister as I trust my DH and though it will give me a few weeks of living in my head, I will come out the other side knowing it was the right decision.

They are in this mess and her DH left his job ? I fear you don't even have half the real story

A family member’s home was threatened with repossession for non payment. They had been merrily remortgaging every time they fancied a new sofa with a wee bit extra on top. Got themselves into debt they couldn’t really afford, and the bank classed them as risky borrowers so their loan rates shot up. Felt sorry for them although a bit 🙄
We knew they wouldn’t get a fair price if they allowed the repossession to go ahead, so lent them a lump sum (thousands) to tide them over while selling their property.
They sold and downsized. My DH had to ask for our money back, as they weren’t forthcoming at all. They didn’t even thank us!!
Long story short, they blew the equity on diamond rings and cruises, and kept buying utter shite. Zero lessons learned.
Two years later, same scenario in smaller house but with no equity. Sold up and got a council house in dodgy area.
They are retired and utterly skint. They should have a house worth £500k with no mortgage now.

Dont be guarantor for your sis. In my experience, they won’t be able to change their lifestyle.

That is why I would never be a guarantor. I watched that episode what a nasty arrogant selfish daughter.

I also won’t lend money, if you can’t afford to lose it don’t lend it !

Your husband's response was 100% needed and spot on.

I'm glad he can see clearly on this and has your back.

Block your sister and her husband if you have to. This is their problem to solve, not yours.

I don't think she should have asked you. She needs to work things out for herself with her DH. As people have said, the story about getting kicked out for missing one payment sounds very iffy. I imagine you feel bad for her but I think you'd feel a lot worse if you exposed your family to the risk of being her guarantor.

Well done your DH . I know as I used to deal with possessions there on my cases there were at least 12 months arrears and much legal process before cases got to possession. You were being played .

My DH is wonderful (is also a massive pain in the backside at times),

TBF OP my DH is the same, but equally can be the voice of reason in so many ways, so I let him have his odd PITA moments and just ignore them...

The informal definition of a guarantor is "a fool with a pen" and it certainly holds good here.

As others have said, no way she's missed just one payment

Edit: just seen your updates. Spot on. Well done 👏🏻

With their track record don't be a guarantor and dragged into their money problems but be prepared that they may press your DPs to help them "for the grandkids".

Why did he "leave" his job?

DHs 60yo brother is similarly feckless - champagne lifestyle on beer money, and he has never saved for a rainy day. If he's got it he spends it (but his XW controlled his finances so they were in less debt then). Since his last divorce we reckon he's been living on tick as neither he nor his new GF are working. I've reluctantly loaned him money once to be repaid when his house sells but won't be repeating that for sure.

Don't do it, OP. As said by others, this is more than one missed payment, so you're not even being told the truth here. You will never get the money back and then there will be more than one household with financial problems.

My father acted as guarantor years back for renting - it was only a slight formality and never came to anything. Just needed sig done as they'd asked for it.

Can't understand why anyone would ever ask that about a mortgage, doesn't seem right.

Yes, you would be risking your own family’s security if you acted as guarantor. We will only do it for our own DC at uni as we know what we’re liable for and it’s time limited. No way would I do it for an irresponsible relative or friend.

I know how difficult it is when its a sibling but she has already lied to you regarding why she is being evicted. Could you say to her that no one gets evicted after missing one payment... she what she says but its a no from me as she doesnt seem to have any difficulty fibbing to you and she will carry on once you are the guarantor. If they are being 'evicted' is there any equity in the property?

There are huge amount of people who have no idea how to budget. They get paid and they spend their wages enoying themselves and whoops - never mind about the mortgage....

Quite honestly they are probably up to their eyes in debt

Rent could cost more than mortgage
plus the obvious lies about one missed month

you’ll have to steer well clear

I posted earlier but only quickly.

I used to work in debt recovery many moon ago and not in the UK.

In my opinion it falls into 4 categories:

1. Genuine cases - usually an unplanned event, job loss, divorce, sickness or leaving job because of a child's illness - these people work with you, are very forthcoming with information and suggestionswith what thry can manage to pay & come to arrangements for certain periods and honour them & it usually works well and thry end up back on track.

2. Bad with money but wish they weren't- again usually get back on track with some micro management and it's a 50/50 shot on whether they'll end up in the position again.

3. Bad with money and couldn't give a hoot - head in the sand & long finger approach & usually end up a situation like your sister where if they had approached things differently ir wouldn't get do Bad

4. Strategic defaulters- think they'll get a write off or something

Categories 1 will typically do anything they can to avoid the guarantee being called in and they don't want their problem to be the guarantor's problem.

Categories 2, and especially 3&4 are morally bankrupt and the distane with which they treated the guarantor never stopped surprising me. "Ask them they've loads of money, sure 50k to them is like a tenner to me etc. Genuinely couldn't give a fuck if the guarantor lost money. I hated these cases.

Your sister falls into the latter category and there's no way in hell that the first payment resulted in a real eviction threat.

Just no, absolute no. Help in several other ways but not financially.

But if the person he was a guarantor didn't pay. He would have been liable.

I'm sure many guarantor relationships go off without a hitch, but many don't and ruin family's and friendships.

No way should you. And as others say they can't be booted out easily, and not over one missed payment. So they are lying about their level of debt, which is a huge red flag.

@PinkShimmerSparkle

Your DH sounds like a real mensch!

Although we know we can handle anything, there are times it's good to have a person who can step in and see a situation with 'clearer eyes' than our own and speak more forcefully that we feel comfortable speaking.

Your DH sounds lovely and has it spot on. Re you feeling guilty - that’s only because you let them make you feel guilty. The only guilt would be if you did step in with £ because they’d learn nothing about changing their habits and you’d be robbing your own DH/DCS- disengage and dont enable your DSsis. Interesting that BIL who doesn’t like working appears to have wracked at least some of the debt up - don’t be his slave!!!

Laws changed in England....not a legal requirement anymore.