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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

She always wins because she cheats!

246 replies

abouttogetlynched · 08/02/2024 10:28

AIBU to be pissed off that my 8 y/os friends mum makes stuff for her kid for school when it’s supposed to be made by the kid and she ultimately wins every time for the best item?
She won best Easter bonnet competition and won a giant Easter egg, she won best something or other at Christmas and got extra breaks, she won something creative last year and got to sit on a ‘throne’ all day at school and a big bag of sweets. But the mum makes all these things for her and not only should it be very obvious to the teachers that it’s not been made by an 8 year old, but the mum tells me she’s made it all and laughs about it. The kid is never involved in helping or even gives ideas, and often doesn’t even see the item until it’s given to her on the day of the competition. The one at Christmas she hadn’t seen at all coz the mum just handed it in directly to school.
The kid never admits that she’s had no involvement in making it and gratefully accepts the rewards and attention lavished on her for always winning at these creative competitions. My DD is getting quite jealous at this friend apparently being so much better than her at things and always winning. Pisses me off.

OP posts:
pleasehelpwi3 · 08/02/2024 17:09

How odd, as a primary teacher I'd never pick a parent entry. Maybe an entry where the child was honest about it and acknowledged which best the parent had helped them with (I teacher Upper KS2), but never an outright parent entry.....I'd also ask the child about the process eg how did you create that joint etc

viques · 08/02/2024 17:20

Better still, phrase it as “ I know a lot of our parents have a creative side dying to get out, why not have a special entry class for parents?”

Morecatsarebetter · 08/02/2024 17:22

Got to be “Simply the Best”

kkloo · 08/02/2024 17:38

The Principals kids used to win everything at my childrens primary 😂

moomoomoo27 · 08/02/2024 18:22

I had the same thing with someone in my class when I was at school. Looking back now I feel kind of sad that the mum was living so hard through her child and that the child never got a chance to make their own project or have the fun of deciding what to do or what colours to use or learning any independence or project management skills.

tachetastic · 08/02/2024 18:22

My DS's school does a "creative bakes" competition every year where the kids have to make a cake that looks like something other than a cake and then take it in for judging.

The standard is amazing, but everybody knows that nobody under 30 touched most of those cakes!

poetryandwine · 08/02/2024 18:32

I agree with PPs that whenever there is going to be a prize, it should be for work the pupils have done in school.

Parental contributions are unfair all around and highly damaging to the DC who pass them off as their own, whether required to or by request. These DC are storing up big trouble.

DillDanding · 08/02/2024 18:43

80% of parents do this. Just ignore it.

Hippee · 08/02/2024 18:58

My junior school actually started a parents' category in one competition, so that they would have an outlet for their skills and wouldn't have to do their children's entry for them.

At my own junior school there was a girl who was a fabulous cake decorator (she really was) - she did a cake a bit like the one below, but didn't win anything, because the judges obviously didn't think she had done it herself. I really disliked her, but I did think she was hard done by on this occasion.

She always wins because she cheats!
Ophy83 · 08/02/2024 19:03

Better that than what happens at my kids school where last year my then 7- yr old daughter made an unbelievably good easter bonnet that looked like a millinery creation and the proze went to a bog standard bonnet from the works with eggs glued on - I'm pretty sure they thought I'd made my daughter's bonnet but she hadn't allowed me anywhere near it!

Mumof2NDers · 08/02/2024 19:07

When my DS’s were younger the best (obviously made by parents) never won. The ones that were obviously made by the children won. Wise teachers!

Mmarfa · 08/02/2024 19:09

You're not unreasonable for hating this, but you are doing the right thing by your kid. You're teaching her resilience through delayed gratification and hard work. At some point your friends daughter is going to have to do things for herself, exams or something for work and 1. Have no idea what or how to work at something like that and 2. Have no coping mechanisms if hers isn't the best and doesn't win. Ultimately your friend is teaching her kid it's ok to lie to get what you want and that's a terrible thing to put on a child.

Just power through this stage, play the long game!

Turquoise123 · 08/02/2024 19:12

It was the case when I was at school and when my children were at school. Always obvious that the child has had significant help. Just so miserable for everyone .

mummy2CnB · 08/02/2024 19:14

We had the opposite of this. I am a professional cake maker. My.son would offtent help and want to learn how to do things and I did have all professional equipment. He entered into a cake competition at school and although he used my equipment like smoother, high quality icing etc I did not help him. Other than helping taking the cakes out the oven. He was 8 at the time. His cake was amazing. I was so proud and so was he. His was by far the best and he didn't win or even place as they said I must have done it. He never entered anything again. Stopped helping me with cakes or doing anything creative. It really put out his flame.

Jennick · 08/02/2024 19:14

Shame on the teachers for not asking her about how she made it etc

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/02/2024 19:17

That poor child, her mother thinks she's inadequate and isn't afraid to let the child know.

Hope mom brushes up on calculus.

Idubno · 08/02/2024 19:18

Honestly I'd tell the teacher and if she wins again I'd telly child they don't have to do the assignment if they don't want to and id write a letter to the teacher telling them why

Jennaxoxox · 08/02/2024 19:30

Jealousy is not an emotion I spend much time on, I never get jealous, never have even as a child. I'm a firm believer in what's for you won't go by you. Jealousy is also not something I entertain in my children either. I instantly shut it down the second I can see them turning green. My partner is unbelievably jealous he even gets jealous on behalf of other people and I also shut that down too. It's a wasted emotion and not a good look for anyone!

I would advise you explain what's going on to your child and make it clear being jealous won't change anything! It would also be advisable to tell her it's also not a good look taking awards and praise for prizes/work that does not belong to you! Tell her to be proud of the work she did and tell her life isn't always fair. In fact it rarely is, and being bitter will make her miserable!

LadyEloise1 · 08/02/2024 19:49

mummy2CnB · 08/02/2024 19:14

We had the opposite of this. I am a professional cake maker. My.son would offtent help and want to learn how to do things and I did have all professional equipment. He entered into a cake competition at school and although he used my equipment like smoother, high quality icing etc I did not help him. Other than helping taking the cakes out the oven. He was 8 at the time. His cake was amazing. I was so proud and so was he. His was by far the best and he didn't win or even place as they said I must have done it. He never entered anything again. Stopped helping me with cakes or doing anything creative. It really put out his flame.

Oh that is so sad. 😞

TheBeehive · 08/02/2024 20:34

what about doing similar ? @abouttogetlynched

RandomPoster456 · 08/02/2024 20:41

That is absolutely dreadful behaviour - she chucks her child’s creations in the bin just to win competitions and laughs about it?! Fuck me, if she’s this much of a control freak then her issues lie waaay beyond winning an Easter egg. That poor girls self-esteem will be in tatters by the time she moves onto secondary school. She will one day realise how much of a grade A prick her mum is and end up hugely resenting her or worse. I’d love to see how smug she is then. If she’s that much of a perfectionist then I can very well imagine it extends far beyond binning her work to win a competition.

ScruffMuffin · 08/02/2024 20:50

Sadly, this has always been the case for a minority of families. I fail to understand quite why a children's art/ craft/ baking event means so much to them, but apparently it does. It continues as well - in Year 6, my kids were each given a pound or something, and told to invest it to make more money. Whoever made the most money for charity won something. My DD and her friends made and painted little door signs and toys out of offcuts of wood. I helped with sawing, but otherwise they just got on with it and did a good job. One girl decided to have a lemonade stand, and EVERY DAY we'd see her mum arrive with the 'lemonade' she had clearly spent the afternoon making, and popcorn too. Predictably, this mother won!!

I'm not artistically talented, so my DDs were usually perfectly happy to be left alone to make their Easter bonnets etc. DD1 did win one year, but only because I was being lazy. I couldn't be arsed to go into town after work to buy a hat for her to decorate, so I showed her some pictures of fascinators that women sometimes wear to weddings/ the races instead of a hat. I asked if she'd like to make something like that out of an Alice band and some bits from the craft box (feathers, ribbon, foam shapes etc). She agreed, and won! I think it was a case of less is more, and the fact that a child had obviously done it.

I left primary school more than 30 years ago, but still remember vividly that my friend's dad used to do all of her homework for her. She had older parents who were always at home, so had plenty of time. Crucially, her dad was a retired architect. We spent a whole term of Year 6 working on a history and geography project, which involved learning about a city and culminating in a Mon-Fri visit there towards the end of term. Every week, we'd do a written activity in our special topic books at school, then take them home to finish or illustrate. Every week, my friend would bring hers back to school, complete with exquisite drawings of buildings and city scenes, or floor plans of famous buildings. We all knew her dad had done them. It was obvious. Even after the trip, this continued. Alongside her age-appropriate diaries and diagrams and brass rubbings, these amazingly intricate drawings would appear. At the end of the year, she won a trophy and small cash prize for the best topic book. The teacher knew she had cheated, but I guess one of the governors or somebody like that got to judge the competition.

At best, parents like this are infuriating. At worst, they can be very damaging for their children. It didn't end all that well for my friend. At secondary school, she began to struggle - the teachers all thought she was OK because she seemed to understand the homework, but she'd inexplicably flunk tests in class and was often in tears. It turns out that her dad was doing her homework for her, which as you can imagine was incredibly detrimental in subjects like Maths and French, where you need to master each bit before you can move to the next bit. Ultimately, she failed her A levels. Years later (we'd have been in our mid 20s by then, and grown apart after leaving school), my mum bumped into my former friend. She was married and had two little girls, including a newborn. Mum congratulated her on the baby and told her how happy we all were for her. She had always wanted to be a mum, so was delighted having her children. Friend asked Mum what I was up to, and Mum told her that I'd recently gone back to university, to do my teacher training. Friend said, "oh she's so lucky. I'd have loved to have gone to university." The sad thing is - she probably could have, had she been parented differently. She managed to pass the 11+ and most of her GCSEs, in spite of the fact that her dad rarely let her do anything for herself. She was clearly a bright girl, and was also talented at sport, from what I remember. Unfortunately by the time it came to A levels, she simply didn't have the perseverance or the independent study skills she needed to succeed. My mum wasn't perfect (who is?!) and she also brought us up on her own, so time, money and resources were all in short supply. But I ultimately felt sorry for my friend, who was raised in relative luxury, and not allowed to learn how to do things for herself. I'm certain that her parents thought they were helping her to succeed, and doing what they thought was best, but in the end, cheating isn't going to benefit the child.

slore · 08/02/2024 20:51

abouttogetlynched · 08/02/2024 11:24

Because she said to me
OK so you and your child are jealous, do the mature thing and just ignore it
It is non of your business

which I actually thought was quite a rude comment from her.

And yes I had already stated that my daughter was jealous. Wouldn’t say I was jealous, just pissed off. Maybe I’m missing the point here.

YANBU, but you need to nip your child's jealousy in the bud.

Cheaters do usually win, the world isn't fair, and jealousy isn't healthy or a good look.

If you want, you can tell the teacher or the head, and focus on how it's unfair for all the other children, and how the child in question is being shown that cheating is good, plus made to feel her real work is inadequate.

mumedu · 08/02/2024 21:04

As a teacher and parent, I think this is shoddy. What is she teaching her daughter about life? How is her daughter ever going to learn to do things independently and develop a sense of agency, a growth mindset or resilience. It's basically a grown woman competing with 8 year old (and possibly other parents) for a prize. The school should see through these things and reward the imperfect, yet genuinely, child made entries.

Justifiedcheese · 08/02/2024 21:08

TheDogdidGood · 08/02/2024 10:43

I’d have a word with the teacher. I used to be a teacher and if was obvious when a kid did low standard classroom work and amazingly brilliant homework! It’s rally unfair on the other kids

Teachers certainly think they can spot this. I'll never forget the teacher who snered at my son, who had worked really hard on a project from books and his own imagination, that he'd clearly just lifted it from a website. Bastard.