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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’ve regretted having a third child or sticking at two?

137 replies

Busby88 · 07/02/2024 21:29

I know third child posts come up all the time on Mumsnet (I think I’ve read them all 😅) but just wondering if anyone has any insight on whether they’ve regretted the decision they made when deciding whether or not to go for a third child?

I know logically it is better to stick at two. Holidays, finances, car space, emotional time to invest in current DC, risk to me and any future child etc etc. But oh my heart absolutely longs for a third. I always saw myself with three kids but never really thought about it until I had two and I started to consider what a shift it would be.

So I’m not asking for all the arguments for sticking at two, I know these off by heart. I’m just after first hand experiences of people who were either desperate for a third but decided to stick at two, or people who went for a third and regret it ( I know you’d never regret the actual child but you know what I mean hopefully).

Name changed because some people IRL know my normal MN username and I don’t want them to know how seriously we are considering a third…

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 09/02/2024 21:18

Love having three and although it may change as they grow, my two toddlers adore the new baby!

Ifyouknowyouknowyouknow · 09/02/2024 21:20

I’m in absolute turmoil atm and this thread has been helpful. I really really wanted a third to the point we tried for 3 months, then decided to take a break (as wanted to avoid a summer baby and DH wasn’t 100% on the decision). Then somehow conceived during that break so the positive test came as a complete shock to me. Despite desperately wanting DC3 since I’ve actually been pregnant all I can see are downsides to the point where I’m considering a termination. Yes we can afford it but if we didn’t have DC3 we would have more time and money for DCs 1 and 2, and I’ve also worried that the baby will hold them back from doing fun things - started a thread about exactly that.

They will be 6.5 and nearly 4 when this one is due.

DGPP · 09/02/2024 21:20

I love having three, wouldn’t change a thing! They are brilliant, their relationships are great. We adore it

TheaBrandt · 09/02/2024 21:22

So glad we stopped at 2. Teens are fab but full on emotionally and financially then you hit peri menopause and can’t be arsed with parenting any more than two. Well that’s how I feel at 50. And literally all my friends.

DinosaurOfFire · 09/02/2024 21:26

I personally love having three kids. We have a fun, mostly happy, home with lots of noise and for the most part my 3 get on together. They do bicker but they don't fight or properly fall out. They happily spend time together with each other and with us. I always imagined having a larger family, 3 kids was always my minimum and I would probably have had more if my DH was on board!

prescribingmum · 09/02/2024 21:30

We stopped at 2. I am not sure I have the physical and mental capacity to devote to another. First two are close in age and I feel a lot of regret about how much I missed of DC1 toddler years due to sheer exhaustion of having 2 under 2. Although both are independent, I feel I wouldn't be able to do as much with them if also caring for a baby/toddler. I love newborn and upto 1 year old but am not a fan of the toddler years and feel relieved at the prospect of not going through them again.

Financial pressure also a consideration - we could comfortably manage the primary years with 3 but I can see it becoming a stretch when paying for holidays for 5 adults/uni contributions etc.

I get pangs of wanting a third but the reality stops me from going there.

Beetlebumz · 09/02/2024 21:35

I was one of three. It’s not all Rosy. One is always left out

Original poster
Busby88 · 09/02/2024 21:35

@prescribingmum Yeah I feel like once my youngest hits the toddler years I might change my mind, I do love the baby year. If we were to go for a third I need to be sure it’s because we want a third child not just because I miss having a baby!

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 09/02/2024 21:36

We have 3 and have no regrets. DC3 is such a delight. I always wanted 2 but after DD2, we just knew we weren’t done. There’s 10 and 4 years age difference between him and his older sisters so they both adore him and it’s a different dynamic but it’s lovely. Having to pay childcare fees again is annoying but it’s one we already planned will happen anyway so no regrets .

Original poster
Busby88 · 09/02/2024 21:37

@Ifyouknowyouknowyouknow That sounds really tough, hopefully some time and space will help you come to a decision that is right for you and your family. I can completely understand the worry about the impact on your two children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busby88 · 09/02/2024 21:41

@Bathtimebarbara Twins, a child with a severe disability, or something happening to impact on my health are all big fears of mine and a huge factor for me.

@sunflowerpinks Not at all, if anything I would rather hear that people haven’t regretted sticking at two, even if they really really wanted a third. I am usually a heart over head person but with regards to this I feel like that would potentially be putting my own desires over what’s best for my children.

OP posts:
QueryA · 09/02/2024 21:52

I have 3, but its a bit different as no 2&3 are twins, so it wasn't a planned choice to have 3. I love them all, and wouldn't change now they are here, but it would have been so much easier with 2. They do fight a lot, perhaps because there is only 2 years between all 3 of them.

Violinist64 · 09/02/2024 22:24

I am one of three and so is my husband. Three seemed the perfect number. We have three adult children but are the only ones of our generation who do. The others have two, two, one and nought respectively but I have never, ever regretted it. Two sons and a daughter.

Violinist64 · 09/02/2024 22:28

Oh, and I am the oldest of girl, boy, girl but my fil was the oldest of boy, boy, girl, my husband is the oldest of boy, boy, girl and we had boy, boy, girl. It would be interesting to see if any of our children have three children themselves and, if so, whether they carry on the boy, boy, girl line into a fourth generation.

Violinist64 · 09/02/2024 22:32

Also, we knew a family years ago that had three children and thought they would like one more to complete their family. The fourth child turned out to be triplets. Their experience became the best contraception in the district!

chillidoritto · 09/02/2024 22:32

DD was 6 by the time I eventually had DS1 as I struggled to get pregnant again. I didn't expect to catch with DS2 but I did! I don't regret having him for a second but it did change a lot logistically eg cars, holidays, family tickets all seem set up for 2 children.

Having DS2 meant my DD was the odd one out but also, 3 was an odd number which I didn't really want. So I decided to try for a fourth to try and balance the family or at least have an even number! I had twin boys!!!

prescribingmum · 10/02/2024 07:31

Busby88 · 09/02/2024 21:35

@prescribingmum Yeah I feel like once my youngest hits the toddler years I might change my mind, I do love the baby year. If we were to go for a third I need to be sure it’s because we want a third child not just because I miss having a baby!

If I’m honest with myself, I would love the child part as I love the child phase. I see families with 3 and all children over 5 and would love that to be us. But I can’t deal with the process it takes to get there - toll of pregnancy on my body, exhaustion of newborn, battling with a toddler all whilst simultaneously dealing with school age children and their routine. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy and parent my existing children how I want to for those 2-3 years and it’s not fair on them

The financial aspect seals the deal that we are making the right decision.

ShiftySquirrel · 10/02/2024 07:46

Considered a third. First DH was for it, and I wasn't, then I was for it and DH wasn't. Our first two were less than 18 months apart.

All I can say is I am so relieved that we stuck at two.
They are teens, beautiful, moody, funny, kind, emotional, expensive and wonderful people.

But I am thankful that there is only two of them. The younger years were so intense that it's a breath of fresh air to have time and space to myself now.

Darkdiamond · 10/02/2024 08:12

Ifyouknowyouknowyouknow · 09/02/2024 21:20

I’m in absolute turmoil atm and this thread has been helpful. I really really wanted a third to the point we tried for 3 months, then decided to take a break (as wanted to avoid a summer baby and DH wasn’t 100% on the decision). Then somehow conceived during that break so the positive test came as a complete shock to me. Despite desperately wanting DC3 since I’ve actually been pregnant all I can see are downsides to the point where I’m considering a termination. Yes we can afford it but if we didn’t have DC3 we would have more time and money for DCs 1 and 2, and I’ve also worried that the baby will hold them back from doing fun things - started a thread about exactly that.

They will be 6.5 and nearly 4 when this one is due.

My kids were 4 and just about to turn 7 when I had our third. Number 3 was just the cherry on the cupcake! Honestly, it's impossible to imagine our family without number 3. The other two kids absolutely adore her and she is just the sunniest, funniest little Ray of sunshine in our lives. It has been so nice to live the experience of having a baby/toddler with the older two, as neither of them remember what it was like. They find all the baby things so hilarious and our home is filled with a lot of fun and laughter. The baby is 2 now and just such a source of total joy for us all. Things are harder in that there's literally another person in the family to look after but we all just go with the flow and embrace the chaos! It has been a really beautiful experience and having 3 was honestly one of the best decisions we've ever made!

Darkdiamond · 10/02/2024 08:13

And I have to add that number 3 has provided our kids with a lot of fun stuff!

TheaBrandt · 10/02/2024 08:19

Shifty I feel exactly the same. Nearly 50 and honestly would really struggle if I had a third younger teen to still parent. Friends with three are frankly over it.

Love that youngest nearly 16 and we can do lovely grown up fun family stuff. We have done SO much as a family over the years as a tight unit of 4 with single sex dc who get on with each other. Absolutely no regrets - if anything relief. That’s before paying 3 sets of university fees…

NotAgainWilson · 10/02/2024 08:27

But oh my heart absolutely longs for a third.

Your heart or the bloody hormones? I was never interested in having children, even as a child when girls said they wanted a boy or a girl, I just wanted a puppy.

Then DS came along and suddenly I loved all the screeching and rumbling that they do, I didn’t want another, I wanted another 3 so I could have 4 because 2 was “too little” and 3… well as one if three siblings I know how nasty a group of three can be even if my mum think it was lovely and a walk in the park (was not and still isn’t!)

I pretty much was dying for another baby since DS was born, even when my brain was 300% certain I couldn’t cope with another giving our little family’s very difficult circumstances. Then the hormones started wearing off when he was about 10, and in a couple of years I was back to my normal self, hating the screching and rumbling and thanking the powers be that I let my brain reign over the hormones.

if your circumstances are good, and finances aplenty, go ahead… with another 2 kids. Otherwise focus on all those things you mentioned on your OP until the bonding hormones get quiet. 🙂

headcheffer · 10/02/2024 08:36

I always wanted three but we are sticking at 2. Seeing the end in sight of the baby days with my youngest is liberating. We've just had our first night way together without them and it was so brilliant, and I'm enjoying knowing that they're less dependent on me and that I can start to make different decisions with regards to my career etc that I couldn't if I was planning a third.

However, I might be influenced by the fact I BF for quite a long time (eldest was 2 when she stopped and youngest is 15 months and still feeding), and I had a small age gap between them. I feel they've been physically dependent on me for a long time.

I know I am definitely influenced by seeing my sister struggle with her large family now they're getting older. I know I couldn't give three children what they need in terms of emotional support etc during teenage years.

TheaBrandt · 10/02/2024 08:44

Teens demand much much more of their parents than our generation did of our parents - there’s been a real shift in that. If we parented our teens as our perfectly lovely parents did to us we would be seen as massively neglectful!

Had this conversation with same age friends and we all agreed our parents were really hands off with us - which is certainly not the case now.

sunflowerpinks · 10/02/2024 11:26

I agree about the demands of teens in terms of parents' time and money.

There's also a benefit to having two children close in age as you can so much fun grown up things together as a family. And that's on top of the cost of supporting two through University