To ask if you’ve regretted having a third child or sticking at two?

[Busby88]

I know third child posts come up all the time on Mumsnet (I think I’ve read them all 😅) but just wondering if anyone has any insight on whether they’ve regretted the decision they made when deciding whether or not to go for a third child?

I know logically it is better to stick at two. Holidays, finances, car space, emotional time to invest in current DC, risk to me and any future child etc etc. But oh my heart absolutely longs for a third. I always saw myself with three kids but never really thought about it until I had two and I started to consider what a shift it would be.

So I’m not asking for all the arguments for sticking at two, I know these off by heart. I’m just after first hand experiences of people who were either desperate for a third but decided to stick at two, or people who went for a third and regret it ( I know you’d never regret the actual child but you know what I mean hopefully).

Name changed because some people IRL know my normal MN username and I don’t want them to know how seriously we are considering a third…

I have 2. I want to want a 3rd but I'm 37, both kids are out of nappies, walking, talking and almost in school. I couldn't bare to start again from newborn.

I might look into fostering but definitely 2 biological and done.

@JinglePringle I felt exactly the same as you - had two kids in my 20s and done. Separated in my 30s and then met second husband who had no kids. Had my third at 39 and my kids are 16, 13 and 3...so it really was like starting again!!
I'm totally knackered but no regrets.

Three is hard but the dynamic is brilliant

think if you meet up with 2 friends or 3

with 3 it’s just a bit more fizzy, if you want a quiet chat you meet with 2

its hard to ask parents with 3 as they can’t imagine life without one of those 3

We tried for 3 but I had several miscarriages. 20 years later I am glad we had just the two - especially during the teen/early adult years when they require/d so much support. I don’t think I could have coped.

Oh no sorry didn’t mean it to sound like that! By all means share away. I have just read so many mumsnet posts around the negatives of having three children, but these seem to be from people who have two children or less. So was wondering if those people who do have three actually regret it… but would love to hear all the positives!

We really wanted three but decided to stick at two, we would always talk about having a third and then talk ourselves straight back out of it. We nearly went for it a number of times, then last year just before I turned 40 we decided fuck it let’s go for it and got pregnant straight away but sadly it ended in miscarriage and it was so awful that I just won’t try again especially with miscarriage risk being higher in the forties. I think we will always regret talking ourselves out of it so much in the previous years as we would have felt like we had more time.

I was adamant I only wanted two, then had a few wobbles since dd2 turned three, really considered it, but then COVID and lockdown, and the last thing on my mind was another baby, with both kids home full time, trying to homeschool eldest, and keep youngest occupied. By the time we were out of the other side, dd2 was preparing for school, and I felt like I'd missed the boat a bit with having a third. I've had moments when I've thought, oh fuck it, let's just try and see what happens, but I know deep down it would stretch me too far physically and mentally (and as a family, financially!) I don't think I'll ever not feel slightly broody, but as mine two have got older, I can certainly see how having another now, would really restrict us, and make life alot more difficult. Even little things like, the fact they can jump in the car themselves and do their own belts up, makes life much easier, and I imagine us trying to get out the house and to school on time with a baby/toddler in tow... We barely make it now, with nothing slowing us down! I think I'll always long for a third, and in hindsight, wish we'd just bit the bullet and had another during covid when we were serious about it, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

This is a big fear, I couldn’t handle twins so I do think that’s quite a good reason for sticking with two. Likewise I would struggle if we had a child with a severe disability, or if the pregnancy negatively impacted my own health in some way.

Depends what type of family you want to give your kids.

@Gulag This is a really insightful way of looking at it which I’d never considered before (too busy thinking about the practicalities)

@CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine I’m so sorry for your loss, that must have been (and still be) mentally tough for you. Sending love.

I am in my 50s and so glad l stuck at two. Mine are both young adults now but l am absolutely exhausted. I have never regretted not trying for a third. People under estimate how much work is still involved mentally, physically and emotionally at this stage, as well as issues with aging parents, and the menopause. I am a lone widowed parent, which probably makes a difference.

Three completed my family, but it has made it significantly poorer, crazier and at times harder. I think my experience would have been better with family support, but that’s not something we have.

I’m intrigued by this as one of 3 myself. What position do you mean? As in, you and your husband would have preferred just 1 sibling each?

We wobbled (big time) on having a third. When we decided not to and dh had a vesectomy I felt awful and (when drunk) would talk about a reversal probably for around 5 years. Now my 2 are older teenagers, the thought of having another still around 12/13 fills me with gratitude that I didn’t! Not just the money but the emotional drain on all the worrying - friendships/exams/boyfriends etc. My 2 get on extremely well and I like our little gang. I also felt I had been so lucky with the first 2 that i didn’t want to push my luck health wise.
i think when kids are young the biological pull of reproducing is so strong but as they get older that goes and you don’t want to be left with too many when the novelty wears off 😂

My third was my worst delivery and worse baby by far he cried for nothing for months after 2 really placid siblings. He was such a lovely little boy never regretted it for a moment. He’s an amazing teen no issues tidy room no shouting at us comes home on time so good went on to have more there both wild! 😂🙈 still don’t regret it! I adore all 5 of them and couldn’t imagine not having them!

I echo so many PP's-my third made our family complete.

No amount of money or holidays etc would change that.

100% right

I have 3, but huge age gap between 2 and 3. I have found pros and cons. DC3 is great and I adore him, wouldn't be without him now. However the pregnancy seems to have ruined my health and I haven't been 100% since. I now feel old and tired and struggle to be the mum I want to be when combined with health issues and a demanding job. My other 2 are adults and I have a great relationship with them. I would have so much more time and money had I not had him.

On the other hand, he's so loved by everyone and has added another dynamic to the family, both his older siblings love him to bits. Definitely don't regret him as I can't imagine life without him but it would definitely be easier if I'd stuck at 2.

There was many a night when I regretted DC3. His older sisters slept brilliantly, I convinced myself that with the same genetics and same parenting approach I’d have another good sleeper. He woke every 40 minutes every night until he was old enough to be sleep trained (and then he didn’t sleep through). He’s nearly 2 and still not a great sleeper.

Unlike his sisters too he is a very fussy eater, very headstrong, likes to bite, pinch and head butt the floor when he’s tired. It is safe to say if he’d come second there would have been no third.

But…

He is the most cuddly, loving little boy. To see his little face light up when he sees me, to hear him say “mummy cuddle”, to get the little wet sloppy kisses, all makes it totally worth it. His big sisters think he is the best thing ever too.

All our friends have their lives back to a certain extent, but I wouldn’t change him for the world.

I completely agree with this. Assuming you can afford it without being so financially stretched it negatively impacts the first 2 I would whole heartily say go for it!

We are currently expecting #3 and for us it came down to can we afford it, do we have the space and what do our hearts want. I couldn’t imagine not having a third so come July we will be a family of 5!! I was one of 3 growing up and it was great. Always somebody to play with xx

People won't ever say they regret having three...I know people who really struggled but they just juggle...to admit you should have stuck a certain number no one do that. Op what do you want. Do you want a third, both dh and you or you unsure. Only you know what works for you..

My sister had 3. The dynamic between the 3dc has been difficult.

They are B,G,G

Every sibling gets on ok in any combination of two, but put 3 of them together and either dc1 or dc2 gets left out.

I have 3, all relatively close together in age and all very different. The pre-school/primary years were exhausting but I still loved having 3. But DC3 is ND and has MH difficulties. I had to give up work and have spent years as a carer. We have always had to live frugally as we weren't expecting to have to drop down to one wage. It's tough, it has definitely affected our family and the older DCs. DC3 is truly wonderful and talented, and very much loved, but we are currently in a position with DCs1 & 2 now at uni and DC3 is almost an adult, but who could potentially still need care for many more years. I'm now in my mid 50s, haven't worked for years and my life revolves almost entirely around looking after DC3. Obviously my experience is different to many, but I wanted to offer a different perspective on life with 3 than I've seen on this thread. I would recommend anyone contemplating 3 to consider the 'what ifs' as they don't only affect you, but also your existing DCs.

No idea why anyone would want more than two and I'm the third child in my family

Ditto. I knew the instant that our third was born that we were done.