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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you’ve regretted having a third child or sticking at two?

137 replies

Busby88 · 07/02/2024 21:29

I know third child posts come up all the time on Mumsnet (I think I’ve read them all 😅) but just wondering if anyone has any insight on whether they’ve regretted the decision they made when deciding whether or not to go for a third child?

I know logically it is better to stick at two. Holidays, finances, car space, emotional time to invest in current DC, risk to me and any future child etc etc. But oh my heart absolutely longs for a third. I always saw myself with three kids but never really thought about it until I had two and I started to consider what a shift it would be.

So I’m not asking for all the arguments for sticking at two, I know these off by heart. I’m just after first hand experiences of people who were either desperate for a third but decided to stick at two, or people who went for a third and regret it ( I know you’d never regret the actual child but you know what I mean hopefully).

Name changed because some people IRL know my normal MN username and I don’t want them to know how seriously we are considering a third…

OP posts:

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/02/2024 07:16

we also went back and forth for ages about a third but we both grew up in sets of three and loved it and both felt we wanted another.

A lot of people talk about holidays and cars and theme parks etc but none of that has been particularly difficult so far. There is definitely more juggling and slightly less time and attention for each individual and it can be hard having to prioritise when their wants and needs clash.

I do sometimes feel guilty when I have to say the older two can’t do something I could have facilitated if we just had two. But this has been offset by the lovely relationship they all have. We are a proper little gang and the house is full of fun and chaos. The little one gives the slightly older two and excuse to stay young and build dens and indulge her in imaginative by play and it’s lovely.

Like some other posters though I knew the second I saw the last pregnancy that we’d be stopping at three. That is my limit to be a good parent to all and still have time to do the other things I enjoy in life.

hellohellohell · 09/02/2024 07:32

This is helpful to me. Unexpectedly pregnant with number 3 right now. Feeling very wobbly about the whole thing. Nice to hear some good experiences. Kids will be 8, 6 and newborn

Hummusandstuff · 09/02/2024 07:41

We planned two but got twins. Obviously we adore them and they are a gift etc etc but it’s been so so much harder with 3.
The stress of three under three. Housing in London. Uni costs. Teenagers are so expensive. They are young adults now and all utterly wonderful people but all still at home and having three affects my ability to retire/move house/ help them out with deposits.

Littlemisscapable · 09/02/2024 07:50

We had third...and then a fourth! Your family just grows and evolves. The car/holiday thing wasn't a big deal really. But I think it depends on what you have already.. if I had 2 boys /2 girls I would stop there.

FUPAgirl · 09/02/2024 07:59

We have 3 with no regrets, very happy! However a close relative recently had a wee 'late' 3rd baby and honestly it has taken away any of my remaining broodiness, it just looks like such hard work for her. Having a baby really does change your life, especially if you've already moved on from the baby stage. It's not been a great experience for her older DC (teens).

sunflowerpinks · 09/02/2024 08:08

I’m confused by your post - do you only want to hear from people with three if they regret it?

Nobody will do that!

We have two and are super happy - they're now young adults and we all love being a family of 4.

phoenixrosehere · 09/02/2024 13:22

hellohellohell · 09/02/2024 07:32

This is helpful to me. Unexpectedly pregnant with number 3 right now. Feeling very wobbly about the whole thing. Nice to hear some good experiences. Kids will be 8, 6 and newborn

My boys were these ages last year when I had their sister. It is definitely an adjustment but once we had a routine in place, things became easier. Them being in school, independent, and older definitely helps.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 09/02/2024 13:39

No regrets but 30 years on be aware it's a lot ! All the dramas good and bad, sagas, support emotionally and financially. The pure engagement in their lives takes up ongoing energy and it doesn't stop when they're adults.
I love my kids and have good relationships with all of them. Looking back it has given and taken so much more than I ever could have imagined when I embarked on this journey.

hellohellohell · 09/02/2024 15:05

@phoenixrosehere thank you for your comment! That's so nice to hear! I am worried about the adjustment for everyone so good to hear it can work out

phoenixrosehere · 09/02/2024 17:24

hellohellohell · 09/02/2024 15:05

@phoenixrosehere thank you for your comment! That's so nice to hear! I am worried about the adjustment for everyone so good to hear it can work out

You are welcome.

It was definitely rocky the first six weeks but we found our stride and the time has flown very quickly. She’s about 3.5 months now and absolutely adored by her brothers. They try to make her smile and she gives them gummy smiles in return and reaches out for them. DS2 will notice that one of her toys is missing and go get it for her despite being quite nervous about her in the beginning. It’s so sweet to see and watch their interactions. :-)

It is an adjustment but things sort themselves out in the end.

Good Luck! 🙂

Endeavour1971 · 09/02/2024 17:43

We were happy to stop after 2, but after an accident, which we lost, I knew a third child was exactly what I wanted. She's now 25 and absolutely completed our family. No regrets at all

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/02/2024 18:09

I also don't understand the logic of this post.

a) No one who's got three kids will openly admit to regretting it and
b) Why will hearing from someone who regrets it help you?

It feels like you're just looking for confirmation that you are right in wanting a third.

You either want a third kid or you don't. The opinions of randoms on the internet with wildly different circumstances are totally irrelevant to your considerations.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 09/02/2024 18:16

Three is tough and I think now, in retrospect, two or four would have been better. Regret is the wrong word completely. With three one is often left out and particularly as they grow older. It’s now painful to see two siblings close and one not but as young adults you can’t force relationships or time together. I would focus on asking or observing people with three who are grown up or at least late teens. It was all fine when they were young but changed completely around 16 years old. With three young adults I am daily in pieces or at my wits end. Two would have been so much easier at this age. I can’t imagine what the future holds either.

Chilliandbanana · 09/02/2024 18:26

I have 3. No regrets at all. She completed our family!

allfurcoatnoknickers · 09/02/2024 18:41

Reading this thread with interest because I am SO broody for a third and DH wants another one even more than I do. I'm an only child and he's one of three, so two isn't what either of us are used to.

DD isn't even one yet though so it's far too soon to really be seriously considering it, but it's on my mind.

Doris9 · 09/02/2024 19:20

I think baby 3 is sometimes the result of compromise: where one parent wants 2 and the other wants 4.

12tog · 09/02/2024 20:01

My DC3 is the joy of my life. A real ray of sunshine. Obviously I love all my DC but the unplanned one is the absolute bonus! We made lots of sacrifices in order to have a bigger family and I don’t regret it for a second.

Original poster

Busby88 · 09/02/2024 20:23

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/02/2024 18:09

I also don't understand the logic of this post.

a) No one who's got three kids will openly admit to regretting it and
b) Why will hearing from someone who regrets it help you?

It feels like you're just looking for confirmation that you are right in wanting a third.

You either want a third kid or you don't. The opinions of randoms on the internet with wildly different circumstances are totally irrelevant to your considerations.

I know it probably doesn’t sound really logical. Basically on all the threads I’ve read, the overwhelming consensus is that two children is best. It’s made me feel that having a third child would basically be the selfish decision. But a lot of the reasons that people state for sticking at two (I.E juggling the overwhelm of teenage emotions) are written by people with two kids who aren’t even at that stage, so I’m guessing I’m looking for lived experiences.

Likewise lots of people seem to ask this question so I’m wondering if any of them have stuck at two then regretted it.

Basically I’m full of indecision because I’m scared that I’ll regret whatever decision I do make.

OP posts:

Original poster

Busby88 · 09/02/2024 20:24

@allfurcoatnoknickers dont worry my youngest isn’t one yet either and yet I think about it so often! Be interesting to see if that changed as he gets older

OP posts:

sunflowerpinks · 09/02/2024 21:08

But a lot of the reasons that people state for sticking at two (I.E juggling the overwhelm of teenage emotions) are written by people with two kids who aren’t even at that stage, so I’m guessing I’m looking for lived experiences.

Well, we have two now aged 20 and 22 and ist been absolutely great. We love being a family of 4!

sunflowerpinks · 09/02/2024 21:10

*I also don't understand the logic of this post.

a) No one who's got three kids will openly admit to regretting it and
b) Why will hearing from someone who regrets it help you?

It feels like you're just looking for confirmation that you are right in wanting a third.*

Yes, that is my impression too.

Dottina · 09/02/2024 21:13

I would have loved a bigger family, but dh isn't keen. Tbf we don't have a big enough house anyway. In my dreams we'd move away from the SE and live somewhere cheap enough for more space etc, but as it is we are where we are and 2 dcs is probably where we'll stop

abeeabeeisafterme · 09/02/2024 21:15

It's not quite what you asked, but I always wanted four children. I had four, am thrilled with them and the mix, and feel zero desire to have more.

Lantyslee · 09/02/2024 21:17

I'm one of three, my DH is one of three. We always wanted three and so we did - two didn't feel like enough. There's only 3.5 years between all of the so it was hectic when they were little but have absolutely no regrets.

Bathtimebarbara · 09/02/2024 21:17

My cousin absolutely regrets it

wanted three
got twins, one of whom is severely disabled

their entire future has been turned on its head and truthfully life is very hard for them and for their other children.

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