Is it rude to just cut out a guy I like?

[Penguinbars]

Basically, I like someone at work, he's giving me hot and cold and I can't take anymore. He's showing signs of liking me whilst also keeping a certain distance from me and I can't cope anymore.
I'm done trying to analyse him and trying to make out to him that I'm not interested.
We're not in the same department so dating wouldn't even be an issue as we don't work together as such.
Anyway, is it rude of me to just suddenly stop talking? I feel like an idiot for even pretending I want to be friends with him.
It might look stroppy that I ghost him, but being kept at a certain distance even though he talks to me loads and flirts and wants to spend time with me is upsetting me.
Is he owed an explanation? I've only properly spoken to him for around 2 months I guess.
Honestly I'm a very upfront honest person and I hate doing the whole slow fade.
He is used to me talking a lot so he'll certainly be questioning why I've stopped but I just think I deserve better.

I feel so pathetic, I'd understand if we worked together daily but we mainly work from home and aren't even in the same department so he can't use dating a colleague as an excuse, as I can literally go a fortnight without seeing him.
I feel pathetic for accepting his breadcrumbs and then him pulling back when we get closer.
I just want to cut him out.

It sounds a bit mad, and as though you’re giving it way more headspace than it deserves. What do you mean by ‘ghost’ — cut him dead if he says hello in the corridor? Ignore him in the canteen? Say ‘Who?’ if a colleague mentions him?

I would just be busy with my actual work and keep away from him. Be civil but busy if he approaches you, and not in a ‘playing it cool’ way. If lunchtimes are when you used to talk, go out for lunch, or develop an exercise habit.

Hang on, cross-posted. So you’re WFH and hardly ever see him? So the ‘talking’ has been done via messaging?

We're hybrid remote so our chat is mainly online, he messages me a lot and there's a lot of banter but I bet it's just boredom. I do hang out with him out of work sometimes too, we talk for hours but nothing's ever happened.

Mainly messaging but then if I see him around the office we'll chat, we've met outside of work twice and talked for hours but nothing has happened.
It's hurting me and I'm done with him.

So you haven't asked him out? How is he hot and cold then?

When you say he spends time with you, do you just mean meet ups as friends?

Could it be that he wants a mate and is letting you know that by backing off hoping that you'll get the message?

If he does that's fair enough, but he'll then message loads and can be flirty. It just messes with me.

Well, I think you’re right to be done with him in your head, but I wouldn’t be making any big gestures. It’s not clear to me he’s done anything wrong. Meeting colleagues outside of work without it being a declaration of sexual attraction is quite usual. A couple of my closest male friends are people I know from former jobs.

Well about a month ago he suddenly went very cold on me, so I messaged asking what was up and then he apologised and said he does wanna be mates etc. he's just had a lot on.
Then week after that messaging loads and asked to meet up, last week we met for several hours and he seems colder since then, we have chatted a bit since, I didn't suggest meeting again or anything but I can sense a distance and I'm just done.

It's hurting me and I'm done with him.

By all means be done, you shouldn't keep a friendship that hurts, buy why on earth would you not ask him out first?

Currently he doesn't seem to have any clue how interested you are.

Yeah absolutely men and women can just be friends, it's just that he's flirty sometimes and it confuses me

Basically there was this whole thing where the wires got a bit crossed because I suggested doing an activity like seeing a film or something, only because we like all the same films and I'm bored of going alone, but he went kinda cold on me. It was literally just a suggestion but then the week later he asked me to a bar with him so I'm just sick of it all

But are you expecting something other than talk from these meetings? I mean, you’ve referred several times to them lasting for hours — do you enjoy them, or are you spending the whole time wishing he’d kiss you or something, even though you seem to have been pretending you want to be friends with him — why? You clearly don’t!

So I'm just like why is the cinema such a massive deal but a bar is ok. If I liked a colleague as a friend I'd probably just stick to lunchtime or in a group

Yeah as much as I hate to admit it, yeah. The thing is I've never flirted with him very obviously, or told him I'm interested or attracted or anything of the sort.
But in my head I always want to kiss him. It's pathetic I know because he would have done it now if he wanted to.

Wait, did you ask several questions like this the other week, about your colleague?

Riiiight. So he might have been asking you out and thought you weren't interested or he might just want to be friends.

You clearly really like and get on with him.

So just ask him out, unambiguously. What an I missing?

I know in my heart he's not interested :(
The film thing wasn't even intending to ask him out, I hadn't been single for very long at all, I just wanted company but I wasn't looking to rush into a relationship.
But now I'm ready for that.

Maybe he's gay but isn't out and so can't really explain it to you? I'd just not reply much til he gets the message. Or be up front and ask him is he into guys or girls because you like him but he's giving mixed signals and you don't really want to just be friends.

he would have done it now if he wanted to.

You haven't and he's been flirting with you, so why would he? He could potentially get in loads of trouble kissing a colleague who hasn't responded to his flirtation at all.

He's said he's dated women previously but has been single for a very very long time.

I know in my heart he's not interested :(

How?

He took the film thing as a date and backed off, that says it all. But then why invite me to a bar only a week later.

He's gay but not out then. Move on.