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Original poster

Is it rude to just cut out a guy I like?

116 replies

Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 17:57

Basically, I like someone at work, he's giving me hot and cold and I can't take anymore. He's showing signs of liking me whilst also keeping a certain distance from me and I can't cope anymore.
I'm done trying to analyse him and trying to make out to him that I'm not interested.
We're not in the same department so dating wouldn't even be an issue as we don't work together as such.
Anyway, is it rude of me to just suddenly stop talking? I feel like an idiot for even pretending I want to be friends with him.
It might look stroppy that I ghost him, but being kept at a certain distance even though he talks to me loads and flirts and wants to spend time with me is upsetting me.
Is he owed an explanation? I've only properly spoken to him for around 2 months I guess.
Honestly I'm a very upfront honest person and I hate doing the whole slow fade.
He is used to me talking a lot so he'll certainly be questioning why I've stopped but I just think I deserve better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:44

MILTOBE · 07/02/2024 18:43

Aren't you worried that someone higher up will see all your messages and realise neither of you are doing any work?

Definitely still getting the work done 😂 messages aren't inappropriate, I wouldn't send anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:46

Also for me I don't think I could hang out for hours with a guy I knew fancied me and wanted more, so it's likely he thinks I don't.

OP posts:
Mummysgogetter · 07/02/2024 18:50

donquixotedelamancha · 07/02/2024 18:33

This all seems more complicated than necessary.

Understatement of the century. In fairness I was like this until about 30. If my wife hadn't made the first move I'd still be single.

I tried to make it all sound as casual as possible and said I only intended it as a friendly hang out.

Righto. He's got no clue. He's been as forward as he can without being a lech. If you want a guy who is very sexually aggressive this one is not for you. If you want this guy, message right now or you will procrastinate forever.

Alternatively you can cut him dead, seem like a nutter and have no clue what would have happened.

Agree with the above ^^
i am not hearing any signs he’s not interested, unless you’ve not mentioned something crucial?

Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:52

With the drinks he asked me twice in the week if I was still up for it , not sure if that means anything ?

OP posts:
Mummysgogetter · 07/02/2024 18:53

Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:52

With the drinks he asked me twice in the week if I was still up for it , not sure if that means anything ?

What sort of flirty things is he doing/saying?

Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:54

Mummysgogetter · 07/02/2024 18:50

Agree with the above ^^
i am not hearing any signs he’s not interested, unless you’ve not mentioned something crucial?

Show quote history

He's never made any comment about how I look, apart from once saying I look younger than my age, never said I look nice, he hasn't labelled the drinks as a date, or hasn't said he's interested basically. I dunno.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:54

Mummysgogetter · 07/02/2024 18:53

What sort of flirty things is he doing/saying?

Show quote history

It's just kinda like teasing me/banter and stuff.

OP posts:
OMirrorBall · 07/02/2024 18:57

Deja vu... didn't you post almost exactly the same thread before? You're creating so much drama in your own head here, and seem to just want to think about it and discuss it endlessly instead of actually finding any kind of resolution or clarity in the real world. Doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong, sounds like he's probably keen but there's no way to know that 100%. Don't make things even more complicated with a sudden weird 'ghosting' for gods sake. If you genuinely want resolution then give him a bit more encouragement if you don't want to move it forward yourself, and don't then back off and pretend to be busy or skint or whatever... Or if you don't want resolution and you want to just keep going round in the same circles, then do that, and post the same thing again next week I guess.

MissRheingold · 07/02/2024 18:58

Cut him dead because he hasn't declared his undying love for you?

Good grief. Get a grip.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/02/2024 18:59

Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 18:41

I am maybe being hot and cold too as a means of protecting myself. I've decided I'm going to not chat to him for a few days then see how I feel.

I'm sure that's true.

IF you will reach a decision and act then this is perfectly sensible. Check how you feel.

If, however, you are an interminable coward like I am then just do it or you never will.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/02/2024 18:59

Best of luck either way.

Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 19:00

I've been led to believe that men will always go for what they want... Maybe I'm generalising too much.

OP posts:
OMirrorBall · 07/02/2024 19:02

I have a friend who talks the same way about 'men' as if they are a homogenous and alien species. Yeah there are some differences between men and women, but men are human beings, individuals with complex histories and motivations, concerns about professionalism and overstepping at work, and feelings of their own around attraction and rejection. My friend was single (not wanting to be) for about twenty years because of all her attitudes about 'men do this' and 'men are that' instead of getting to know individual male human beings and see what they were like.

DiamondGazette · 07/02/2024 19:15

If you've suggested a date and he's backed off, then yes, time to stop the flirtatious banter and find someone who is available and won't mess you about.

Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 19:16

DiamondGazette · 07/02/2024 19:15

If you've suggested a date and he's backed off, then yes, time to stop the flirtatious banter and find someone who is available and won't mess you about.

Well I did suggest doing something, he seemed to back off but then changed his mind a week later.

OP posts:
Hooplahooping · 07/02/2024 20:28

OP you are being extraordinarily passive here.

cutting him off without ever having any sort of sane conversation about it seems a bit extreme.

Do you want to either date him or never speak to him again? Would you be open to being friends if that was clearly delineated as what it was?

if you like him enough to be brave - tell him that you’d be interested in it.

if you don’t want to do that, tell him you don’t want to give him mixed messages but you love hanging out

or randomly cut him dead… but I don’t think that would make either of you feel good!

Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 20:45

Hooplahooping · 07/02/2024 20:28

OP you are being extraordinarily passive here.

cutting him off without ever having any sort of sane conversation about it seems a bit extreme.

Do you want to either date him or never speak to him again? Would you be open to being friends if that was clearly delineated as what it was?

if you like him enough to be brave - tell him that you’d be interested in it.

if you don’t want to do that, tell him you don’t want to give him mixed messages but you love hanging out

or randomly cut him dead… but I don’t think that would make either of you feel good!

It's a shame as I really appreciate the friendship, but it's hurting me.
I think something more subtle about the mixed messages is a good idea, thanks :)

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 07/02/2024 20:58

You're just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him how you feel . It's the only way you'll find out how he feels too. It may be awkward for you but surely it's more awkward living in this river of uncertainty .

Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 21:15

butterpuffed · 07/02/2024 20:58

You're just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him how you feel . It's the only way you'll find out how he feels too. It may be awkward for you but surely it's more awkward living in this river of uncertainty .

True.. I'm sad as I'm quite an introverted person but I can talk about anything at all with him for hours. There was never a lull in the conversation and hours felt like minutes. When he messages me it gives me some sort of high.
He's also quite laid back and chilled out, we have so much in common. It's sod's law.
If it were just a mild crush I'd be happy to continue being friends but ATM it's too painful.
If he doesn't feel the same way, I will really miss him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 21:18

Please support me if he says no, I'll be gutted.

OP posts:
Midlifecrisisat38 · 07/02/2024 21:24

This could be my friend! How old he is?!

My friend used to like me but he's textbook avoidant. It's extreme. Then he confessed to liking someone at work. He's in his 40's she's 28 and he is exactly the same with her. He's never had a serious girlfriend.

Men like this need therapy.

DiamondGazette · 08/02/2024 08:34

I think for your own peace of mind you have to ask him out on a proper date. If he says no, then we’re here to get you through the heartache. But at least you’ll know.

TigerJoy · 08/02/2024 09:07

OMirrorBall · 07/02/2024 18:57

Deja vu... didn't you post almost exactly the same thread before? You're creating so much drama in your own head here, and seem to just want to think about it and discuss it endlessly instead of actually finding any kind of resolution or clarity in the real world. Doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong, sounds like he's probably keen but there's no way to know that 100%. Don't make things even more complicated with a sudden weird 'ghosting' for gods sake. If you genuinely want resolution then give him a bit more encouragement if you don't want to move it forward yourself, and don't then back off and pretend to be busy or skint or whatever... Or if you don't want resolution and you want to just keep going round in the same circles, then do that, and post the same thing again next week I guess.

Oh god THIS i remember your dramatic post after the drinks "he'll never like I don't know what to do nothing will ever happen"

USE YOUR WORDS.

Honestly you are behaving like a 15yo.

You are not 15!

Say you enjoy his company and would like spend more time with him - as more than friends. Then see what he says.

He could be breadcrumbing you - if he is better to address it straightforwardly.

gannett · 08/02/2024 09:31

Penguinbars · 07/02/2024 19:00

I've been led to believe that men will always go for what they want... Maybe I'm generalising too much.

On the other thread you were repeatedly told this isn't the case and you can't make that generalisation. But every time you post you just circle back to this as an excuse for not using your words and just wallowing in your feelings.

Pipplet · 08/02/2024 09:49

What do you want your life to look like in ten years OP? And what are you going to do to make it happen?

Option 1 - be brave and ask this guy out, making clear it's a date. Result A - he says yes and you get what you want. Result B - he says no, you feel sad for a while and then move on and next time you like someone you'll be brave enough to speak your mind again. Likely outcome - in ten years you'll be coupled up with someone great (or you won't but at least you won't castigate yourself for not trying).

Option 2 - be a wuss and run away from him. Result - you definitely never date him, and unless you act differently with someone else in future you are unlikely to be with anyone in ten years either.

You seem to want a man to come along and kiss you without either asking you, or getting any signals from you? Trust me, you don't want the sort of man who would do that.

Nobody else is going to get you the life you want. You have to do it yourself.