Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

I'd be quite offended in their shoes. I wld just drop it. It's not going to get resolved and only going to cause resentment and possibly a fall out.

I totally get that it's annoying I have the same issue with mil. I haven't ever told her any rules or requirements when she's in charge of the kids though. I would feel that's a step too far. I know she prob gives them whatever they want but well it's not like it's everyday so I just let it be.

She often gets the kids to ask me if they are allowed something if we are visiting. Usually when she knows they won't be allowed! It really annoys me as it's always when it's close to dinner time and then I'm made out to be the bad one. Like no ur mum said u can't have ice cream (at 5pm) 🙁 My own mum wld have said don't be so silly ur not getting ice cream at this time. My dad however wld give them it without thinking twice. He's also another one that gives them far too many sweets! Some grandparents do things with the grandkids that they won't have dreamed of doing when their own kids were little.

@Nanny0gg my mother and mil didn’t grandparent like this either. I mean they gave the kids treats but they didn’t deliberately just stuff as much junk into them as possible.

AIBU is such an odd place. If the GM had posted she’d also have had her arse handed to her on a plate.

It’s really bizarre as well that the ignoring instructions and giving as much junk as possible is seen as evidence of ‘love’.

Once again for the people at the back.

She is paying them.

And it’s not three chocolates. It’s three bars of chocolate along with other snacks and a sugary lunch.
This! It seems like there's pages and pages of people who are missing the point that this isn't a fussy mother being annoyed their child was given a biscuit.

It's a mother who thinks a child's diet should be healthy and balanced (with sugary food/junk in moderation), so is concerned that one set of grandparents are not only filling her child with large amounts of sugar and junk, but are also doubling down on their right to do it.

I’d be fuming. Not only did they not respect your rules for your child, they lied about it and then gaslit the child when they told the truth. Whilst I also am anti giving a child sweets the bigger issue here is trust and in your shoes I’d be sending him to other childcare as I’d worry about what else they would choose not to tell me

Absolutely nobody is complaining about a child being given a biscuit or a bit of cake.

But too many treats aren't the only issue in this case.

As if any of the posters being total twats to the OP would be happy with their in-laws giving their kids three full sized chocolate bars on top of a shit lunch! Catch yourselves on. 😂

She pays them.

They lie to her.

The FIL is a bully and defies the OP’s polite request.

They don’t understand nutrition.

She doesn’t deny sweet foods, just asks that he’s not given 800+ calories worth of candy bars, with over 100g of sugar. He’s a preschooler FFS!

Kids relationships with food is built now. Healthy moderation is what they need to learn.

Why the fuck do the defenders of these people think that sugar equates to love and treats? It’s fucked.

That’s actually very sweet! I want to be Turkish Delight Grandma! Not so keen on Granny Moam …

Yea it’s slightly annoying if they feed him loads of sugar, but they are also looking after him a lot for you so - shrug.

The only thing that’s potentially really not on here is if they are giving him treats and then telling him not to tell you. My PILs did this with our toddler and we really hammered it home with them that they should 100% NOT be telling him to keep secrets from his parents, because what if some other adult does something to him and then tells him not to tell us about it and he thinks keeping secrets from parents is okay because his grandparents have told him to keep things from us too

Yes I think this would be very patronising OP. You may not see eye to eye on nutrition but have married the product of their child-raising. They’re either not that crap that they need a list of instructions with BOLDED numbers of things they can choose or you’re not very discerning.

I am with you on this OP and i would find it really annoying. Giving such a young child so much crap every week is far too much. Its unhealthy. He is not their son and what happens when you or your DH or anyone else wants to spoil him with a treat now and again but he is getting so much from FIL. Its sounds like FIL is being an arse and using this as a bit of a power trip. I would scale it back to once a month as you don't need the childcare anymore. This sounds like a game which is both physically and emotionally unhealthy. You don't have to play.

I actually think you aren’t being that unreasonable. We had very similar with my parents. They would have them
2 days a week and would do whatever and wouldn’t consult us. Sometimes they’d go on massive days out and we’d have no idea where they were which bothered us. Looking back I wish I had just cut back and either not worked or put them in childcare, if only the prevent the intense friction in the relationship that it all caused.

If you read the OP’s updates they actually accused him of lying about it.

Yet the OP should get a grip and be grateful that they look after her child for her once a week, and get paid for it, and not only lie about feeding him full of crap expressly against her wishes, but also accuse him of lying about it when he mentions it.

The chocolate is not the biggest issue here, but the fact that so many people on this thread think that three chocolate bars, other snacks and a sugary lunch once a week is a perfectly acceptable diet for a 4 year old, and the OP should just unclench, really does explain why so many people in this country are overweight and we have an epidemic of type 2 diabetes. I despair.

This.

She pays them.

How many more people want to advertise they can’t or won’t read?!

If you took the Grandparent out of this and replaced it with 'best friend', 'godparent' or ''nursery' it would read very differently.

Trust your gut instinct, you need to be able to trust them. And it's not just food, say they've watch telly all day, is that because it's rained all day and no one had any inspiration to do anything else, do they need some ideas of things to do. Or is your child sickening for something, and this is uncharacteristic and will need time off nursery over the next few days. How are you going to know if everyone lies.

Hanging around the house for eight hours a day, watching TV, with the focus of the day on frequent snacks is not building a valuable relationship six times a month. That's the most boring days of the week and it undermines everyone else putting effort into parenting.

I used to be a pain in the hole about my pfb too, fussing about what her grandparents gave her, now I look back and I am so happy and grateful that she had that time with them. She is 33 now, very health conscious and with perfect teeth, never had a filling. Their house their rules imo.

You sound really dull and annoying OP if I'm honest. Ff '3 chocolate treats' 'sugar crashes'. Chill out. I couldn't look after your kid at all with such neurosis. Modern day controlling parenting yawn.

I’m not at the back actually, I’m thinking she is essentially being an uptight parent who needs to loosen up. That’s what I think and that’s my opinion - along with many others on here.

Hanging around the house for eight hours a day, watching TV, with the focus of the day on frequent snacks is not building a valuable relationship six times a month. That's the most boring days of the week and it undermines everyone else putting effort into parenting.

From the OP, which you clearly haven't read properly @GoodbyeMother:

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

Just to be clear, I’ve never said we restrict all chocolate/sugar. Just that they go easy.

We approach food in a way that nothing is off the table but some things we have in moderation. We initially said this to GPs but DS was sometimes coming home without having a proper meal the whole day so we put in some guidance (e.g, no sweets if he doesn’t have his lunch, one savoury and one sweet snack, take him for an ice cream on a sunny day etc). This again was ignored so we compromised and said just let us know what he eats and we’ll adapt what he eats for the rest of the day/week (e.g. make sure he gets a substantial evening meal and no ice cream etc that day). That only works if they are honest with us.

This was in place before DS tummy issues but it does give us even more reason to want to know what he’s eating.

I’ve tried giving them food to give him but naturally he wants the yummy food they are having. If it was chocolate in addition to a decent lunch it wouldn’t be so bad but he will pass on his lunch then they fill him up on snacks. I’ve tried asking them to limit to a sweet thing once a day but this also wasn’t being respected.

I THINK my son was exaggerating about what he had to eat. Hence why I wanted to check with in laws which turned into defensive response.

What worries me more about this is that they have potentially lied about this in front of my son. They’ve called him a liar. It tells him it’s ok to lie about what you eat as the adults he trusts do. I also worry they are asking him to lie to hide things they are feeding him.

I am very grateful for their help and some of the responses have helped me to put this in perspective.

As I’ve mentioned, I do pay them for this (not as much as we pay his nursery for the other days) but I’m not really sure why that makes a difference to them following our requests. If I was asking them not to let him smoke would it be ok if they were looking after him for free?

I honestly would rather pay the extra cost at nursery if I didn’t think it would upset them or DS - it would be easier for me and allow GP to enjoy DS when they see him.

They love him and I know they mean him no harm. They would be devastated if they lost their day with him and he would be too.

DH feels more strongly about this than I do. I do see their side to an extent.

Ultimately, I just want what’s best for my son. It’s not a decision i take lightly and why I wanted other opinions. Thanks to all have provided helpful responses.

Whether she pays the Grandparents or not; clearly they are the wrong choice of childcare for her: she needs a Nursery setting that is much more formal and professional and one who will meet her dietary requests etc for her child.

I still think op needs to loosen up though.

I was fully on the side of YABU before reading the updates and there is a lot of context that swings the balance to YANBU or at least your reaction is much more understandable. I feel like they are overreacting possibly because they are defensive of their own food choices and take this personally. I think there is middle ground to be found and it's worth finding. We let a lot slide with the GPs and our boys loved being with them. BIL wouldn't give an inch and is now low contact after years of no contact. But YANBU and there is a line.

My in laws used to have my son when he was little. He would be given everything, even without asking. he never really ate much when he was little but would often come home full to bursting. Think cereal for breakfast then toast and jam, them lunch followed by two desserts, sweets, fizzy pop etc. I did bring it up but it fell on deaf ears. My son is now 12 and eats fairly healthy, he's fit and very strong and slim. It's never done him any harm and did have a great start to life with the attention and playing etc so I'm not too worried. My mum was very different, and strangely my kids respected her boundaries more.

Why, why, why do people choose to be so bloody demanding of their PIL or for simplicity grand parents on either side??? Free childcare. Yay! Family. Yay! Safe child. Yay!

If you're as conscious as you say in terms of food - why on earth are you bombarding PIL with so many rules.

I'm beginning to secretly wish that all the demanding parents grow old to be treated the same way they treat their PIL.

But seriously. People need to grow up and take bloody responsibility for their children and if they don't like grand parents's ways - HIRE A CHILD MINDER.