Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

You sound entitled and ridiculous. The fact you think you might have to adjust things for him after a day of possibly having a bit of unhealthy food or a bit too much screen time is way too much. If he’s eating healthily with you you’re already teaching better habits but by then demonising other things you’re undoing that.

As a parent who had zero offers of free childcare or help from anyone in my family I have to roll my eyes at this. FFS just let it go.

THIS. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

I'm with you OP. Lots of people don't care about sugar and feeding kids rubbish food and will tell you you're being precious. We also have a childhood obesity and dental crisis in this country. No child NEEDS sugar. Junk food isn't the only way to 'treat' a child either, it's just easy and relatively cheap.
I say stick to your guns - not that you need anyone's permission to do so.

You can’t really do the ‘sticking to your guns’ thing if you also want the free child care.

If you are relying on other people to look after your children without payment, you do have to pick your battles.

I’m not because like most threads many posters seem to only read OP’s first post and didn’t read the follow-ups.

The amount of posters who keep saying she should suck it up because they are doing it for free when she posted she is paying the grandparents is ridiculous.

They don’t even touch on the fact that one of the major reasons that OP is wanting them to dial it back is because her child has stomach-related issues and is having bloods done to find a cause, and she thinks it may be dairy-related so they are monitoring what her child is eating or the grandparents calling their grandson a liar after he told his parents what he was given. Can’t imagine what that was like for him to have his grandparents who supposedly love him say he’s a liar and the FIL getting defensive and accusing the parents of interrogating their child, on top of his attitude in general.

They rather concentrate on her getting grandparents help because they personally don’t have the option, emotional manipulation because xyz has passed, and it’s just few treats a week when it’s not if the entire time with them is treats and unhealthy meals.

Can only imagine what the FIL is going to say if there is an allergy or food-related issue that involve them cutting down or even stopping what they “treat” him to.

of course NOBODY NEEDS sugar there is no need to be hysterical about it though.
sometimes a biscuit or a bit of cake is a nice thing to eat eating and food shouldn't just be about "Fuel and nutrition"sometimes a biscuit or whatever is just a nice experience even for 4 year olds.

🙄 She is paying them!

@Mrsjayy who's being hysterical?

Sorry - guilty as charged for not reading the update.

But then put him in nursery for the extra day. It’s simple.

your emphasis of NEED is hysterical!

Oh wow that title got me really excited !

shame it’s about sugar! 😂

@Mrsjayy 🙄

This is mad, I think be grateful you have help with childcare and loving grandparents! If you don’t like how they want to spoil your DS, find an alternative option.

YANBU. If they can’t follow your rules then they don’t get to look after him unsupervised. It’s really that simple.

You are the parents.

We have always made our position very clear to anyone who might be looking after our children exactly what the situation is.

If they are willing to follow what we set out as parents then they can have unsupervised contact if they wish. If they don’t want to, they don’t get to.

We don’t need the childcare. Looking after our children is a privilege, not a right, and nobody gets to run roughshod over what we say.

You're going to give your son an eating disorder. He's 4.5, surely he'll be at school soon anyway so won't be having him once a week anymore. Either let them spoil him or don't send him, but talking about food after each visit is seriously going to impact your son and his relationship with food.

You are being ridiculous

Pick your battles. Sugar isn't dangerous
It's just not ideal.

If it bothers you that much pay a childcare provider but you aren't going to get anywhere with lecturing your in-laws.

Also, prepare yourself for the sugar crashes following birthday parties next year at school... this will become a non issue in comparison.

I agree. Dividing food (or people) into wholly good or bad camps is asking for trouble. It’s teaching the child to either crave or fear “treats”. Instead, they should form a tiny part of their normal diet.

I agree.

I wouldn’t put up with such antics, especially from the FIL.

There’s a real lack of reading comprehension on this thread. The OP has said she is paying them, and she’d be happy to use a nursery instead.

edit: I see you responded already to someone else. Maybe I should read the full thread ;) You’re not the only one though who has said that the OP should be grateful for the free childcare she’s not actually getting!

So, this has become ostensibly focused on food and education but ultimately, it seems, the discussion is around 'love' and 'rights'. In black and white terms:

-when GP shower GC with 'treats' (against the knowledge that we now have of nutrition and of particular GC's needs) and disregards/undermines their child's parenting, they are being loving. It's their 'right'.

-when a parent tries to implement what the knowledge we have about nutrition indicates is best for their DC, they are being controlling (as well as ungrateful, entitled and worse). They are preventing their children from experiencing 'love'.

I'm wondering, is the predominant view then that GP 'love' can only be evidenced through 'spoiling'?

This thread is bat shit.

The excess of sugar is a red herring - the fact that they are willing to call him a liar and attempt to hide what they are actually feeding him whilst they have him is a huge concern, and would be enough to make me go ahead and put him in nursery on the day they normally have him instead.

Yes, you are lucky to have family willing to help out. Yes, other people's parents are dead and they'd love this problem and so on and so forth, but that doesn't mean that your in-laws get to completely ignore boundaries you have in place for your child. My own parents are dead, and if they were magically here again tomorrow I'd still expect them to listen to my preferences when it came to my child. It's such a shitty, manipulative argument.

Junk food does not equal love. They can treat him in plenty of other ways. And they should absolutely be transparent in what they are allowing him, so that you can adjust his diet at home accordingly.

I highly doubt we're talking three chocolate buttons here...

Not all of us, no.