Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

I think YABU, it's up to you what you put in your mouth as an adult. Your parents were trying to keep you healthy.

What happened when you told your parents you were hungry in the evenings?

@MyLadyTheKingsMother

I remember a phrase such as “tighten your belt” until morning.

Sorry I don't see anything wrong here and don't blame your over eating on your parents. Sounds perfectly normal tbh or did you want to be an overweight child to. You've created this eating world and if it's not medical then you can't blame anyonelse but yourself and then your choice is live as you are or do something about it. Don't then pull your parents apart for your failure to control yourself

@Ladyj84

Do you think three meals and no snacks is normal for growing teens?

and being reprimanded for ever helping myself to food without asking, and then when I did ask , I was still told no, wait until x time.

There’s a good possibility that as an adult you’ve had freedom to eat when you want, what you want and however much you want.
I grew up the same as you, I would ask to get a snack or a drink instead of helping myself. As an adult I discovered take aways and the easiness of microwave meals which was my major downfall I wasn’t overweight but it was an unhealthy lifestyle. What I really needed was help on nutrition and meal portions and I think it might help benefit you.

Your parents provided you with 3 meals a day, they looked after you and made sure you didn’t overeat as we all have a tendency to keep eating even when we’re full.

That all sounds pretty normal for family life in the 70s and 80s as I recall. 3 meals a day is pretty standard isn't it?

Tbh the kind of non stop snacking and eating at random times that seems to be common now is far more problematic, and teenagers are statistically more overweight now than pre-2000.

I think you're looking for blame in the wrong place.

This depends on many things. Could they afford extra food? Or were they poor?

Does your mother have an eating disorder? Was your father allowed to eat what he wanted?

What are your siblings like now with their weight?

You are correct that our early eating patterns come through to adulthood with us

Op, I could say the opposite. I was given no restrictions on food as a child. I was a fat child and am now a fat adult. Is it my parents fault I'm a fat adult? No.

I acknowledge I learned bad habits as a child but as an adult it's my responsibility alone.

Unless your trying to imply your parents were abusive and withholding food as a form of abuse YABU

You can try to make it any way you want. Your getting the opinions and your parents were good at not letting you gobble everything in sight but had rules. That is called life and exactly how our kids are brought up. You can't have everything you want as a child and why, because it's not always good for you and that should continue into adult hood

I had the opposite problem @Jasminecandle in my house growing up it was all about eating everything put in front of you. Not being allowed to leave the table until your plate was empty. There were starving children in Africa who would have eaten it and not been an ungrateful wretch like me.
Then I was regularly punished for being overweight.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
Don’t be a dick @Ladyj84

It was normal for me growing up in the 70s/80s. I still eat 3 meals a day and don’t tend to snack. And I’m slim. If you’d stick to your parent’s good example you would be too.

I think it is interesting that when you visit your parents, you take your own food to keep in your room. Obviously their strictness over snacking has had an effect and made you want food more than perhaps you might otherwise have done. All I can suggest is that you try to make your snacks healthy ones.

I'm sorry you were underfed as a child and that people are trying to gaslight you about it on your thread. There are a lot of restrictive eaters and competitive undereaters on MN. Your adult relationship with food and eating is undoubtedly related to your childhood experiences, but that doesn't absolve you from doing work on yourself and building better eating habits. Would you think about having therapy?

I don't think it is normal at all. If portions were small and you couldn't even make yourself toast if hungry. It sounds awful!

Were you actually underweight when you were growing up? If not, then there’s not much blame to be attached to your parents. People didn’t snack all the time like they do now. Since things have changed, obesity rates have gone right up.

@Quitelikeit

I don’t think my mother has/had an earring disorder as such, but a preoccupation with weight and looking a certain way.

My brother was allowed milkshakes before bed if I recall, but they saw a difference between us due to our sexes.

You are not being unreasonable. It is not normal for a growing child to be deliberately kept hungry and growing up in the environment you describe can absolutely cause issues with food and weight. I grew up in a household where my older sister's weight and food were closely monitored (she was spanked with a belt when she gained weight) and it definitely left her with issues around food as an adult. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

Yanbu.
DSCs mum is like this. It's bizarrely controlling especially when they are skinny and growing teens. She also makes them finish everything on their plates even if they aren't hungry/ feel unwell rtc. Mine are thin too but can regulate their own appetites.

No, 3 meals and no snacks were normal until advertisers decided people can't go 5 minutes without something to eat or drink.

Blaming your parents solves nothing.

If you have a eating issue, seek a therapist. You're a grown up now.

I didn't have regular snacks growing up I wasn't allowed to help myself to food I think that's pretty common in the 70s and 80s. it does sound like you were hungry though so not fed enough. overeating Is an emotional response isn't it? .but I don't think you should solely blame your parents for your overeating.

@TitusMoan

I was never physically tested, but looking at old photos I was extremely skinny.

In the OP she says she was ‘so skinny’ and her grandmother tried to feed her extra cake to put some meat on her.

Reading the OPs posts is always advisable before posting.

All those claiming this is perfectly fine and normal. Did you regularly go to bed hungry? Is that really normal?!

I think it was normal to have 3 meals and no snacks. I think this constant snacking and access to cakes, biscuits, crisps all the time is quite modern.
However, it does sound like you weren't fed enough if you were always hungry. I can imagine if you grew up feeling hungry that you would compensate by overeating when you left home. That seems logical to me.