Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

Food and nourishment is a basic human need, like love. If you were denied that I can imagine that has the potential to be hugely traumatic.

I was a child born early 80s. Restricted food at home was definitely not a norm for me or my friends.

YANBU - OP, really shocked at lots of these responses and I hope you're disregarding them.

It was not normal ime as a growing child/teenager in a working class household in the 80s to be denied food in the way you've described. Yes, if your tea was ready in the next hour you'd be told to wait or if you'd eaten a fair few biscuits already and were chancing it for another.

Mealtimes were a focus but you could have e.g. bread and butter/jam afterwards if still hungry. Cup of tea and a biscuit after that as standard.

Then something before bed too, milk with a small sweet or toast/digestive biscuits with butter. Going to bed hungry as a growing child would have horrified the adults I knew.

And these were all people who had lived through WW2 and rationing. Everyone delighted to see you eating, good appetites remarked upon favourably.

Somebody else could come here and say, “You’re lucky you had lunch boxes to steal from and red biffa bins to raid. I grew up with limited access to clean water and I would have loved the chance to eat hard boiled potatoes.”

Would that help you with the aftermath of your childhood? I doubt it, and I doubt you’re helping OP with the aftermath of hers, either. She doesn’t need to get a gold medal in the Suffering Olympics to be “allowed” to talk about her problems.

Being fed regularly three meals a day is hardly child abuse and snacking all the time is unhealthy. There are people in the world who have as little as one meal a day . I think we are too quick to blame the parents for what went on. It’s not easy being a parent, damned if you do and damned if you don’t!
you are in control of what you eat. I say this as someone who has lost over five stone in the last year/eighteen months. The first think to go was snacking. We are in the middle of an obesity crises partly because advertisers persuade us to crave rubbish like crisps, cakes etc

YANBU. The first few people’s responses here are completely bizarre. Yes, the control likely led to disordered eating and a charged relationship with food.

what is WRONG with mumsnet lately?! People seem to just want to shame and gaslight OP, no matter what the post is about.

hope you can get healing for the past, and develop a new relationship with food, OP.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking

Why would you go into someone else's home and help yourself to their food without asking though?

I would never do that in my parents' house, as it's not my food and they might have plans for it. I appreciate that you have other issues around food with your parents, but I think it's perfectly normal to ask before helping yourself to someone else's stuff - that's just basic manners.

Sure, but a growing child routinely going to bed hungry isn't something to strive for either?
And it seems OP's parents could afford the food.

There's a balance to be had that I don't think was found in OP's childhood home unfortunately.

I have issues around food and use it for comfort but I was always allowed to eat whatever I wanted. I did get comments from my dad and nana when I started putting on weight but tbh now I look back, the way I piled it on between 17-18 I think they were genuinely concerned. It did hurt though. I've done the same thing again this year after thinking I had a hold on it and never would let myself put so much weight on again. It's scary how fast it can creep up. It's something I'll ALWAYS have to keep an eye on.

I'm not sure there is enough to go on in your case, did your parents realise you were so hungry? Would they let you have extra if you asked? And they did let you have a couple of your grandmothers cakes which seems ok? Hard to say really! At the same time I could criticise my parents for letting me eat too much, I could never get enough chocolate bars, I wish my parents had said "no" more often!

I think you also need to look at both sides of the story

We have the OP who admits she has an unhealthy relationship around food

We have stories to show how controlling her parents still are, for sharing a bag of crisps and. for making a bar of chocolate last. How mother would say two cakes were more then enough when granny was dishing them out, which we all know is really sensible eating

We also hear that she allows her own child to graze all day

Im a child of the 60's/70's. It was three meals a day - eat or go hungry. We had no snacks. Sweets were rationed, a mars bar between the three of us girls, biscuits on a Sunday , a rare packet of crisps., we often went to bed hungry , right through till the 80's ( recessions and mass unemployment saw to that ) All kids were skinny, well working class kids were

I also like the OP got into junk food in a huge way once I had left home and had my own money and like the OP, piled the weight on. Take aways had sprung up on every corner , food was cheap, it was easier to get a take out then go home and cook for one. Only once the clothes stopped fitting, I soon learned to reign it back

Im hitting 60 now. Ive been on 3 diets in my life , Ive mostly kept to a Healthy BMI, the last pile on was due to severe depression, which I came out of last year and Im back on track with self care and healthy eating, Healthy BMI and a varied diet. I do share a packet of crisps and I do eat chocolate a square at a time and honestly, I couldn't eat more then one cake

Now I can sit here and blame my parents for all my troubles , and I admit I have done in the past, but I finally did grow up and realise I was an adult and I was the one in control. I control what I eat as in I dont go to bed hungry anymore because I cook healthy filling meals which I like and know I will eat. I dont eat cake and biscuits after dinner cos Im not hungry because my evening meal has been enough. .I dont eat crisps every day - and I love crisps, I dont eat chips and fried food very often and takeaways seriously are a rare treat - think once every six weeks or longer. Yep I back to those 3 meals a day and no snacking :)

Parents live with me now but when they were on their own, I would never ever ever have thought of helping myself to their food when visiting I would never do it in my sisters houses either so I dont think thats really abnormal or weird

I was born in 1987.

Definitely not normal to send your child to bed hungry.

My mum cooked healthy homemade meals.

When we were hungry in the evening, we could have bread and butter and cold cuts. There was alway fruit as well.

Or my mother would whip up scrambled eggs, a quick soup or a pancake.

My mother/grandmother also baked once or twice a month

We were never shamed/restricted

I was always very skinny.

You were unlikely to be clinically underweight, kids are supposed to look skinny.

People's judgement of what normal looks like is skewed due to 70% of the population being overweight (increasing to 90% if you go by body fat percentages rather than BMI).

YABU. There are many ways to be a parent. Teaching a lifestyle of moderation when it comes to food is not abusive or unreasonable.

I suspect that you found this unpleasant because you always had an innate tendency to overeat (low tolerance to hunger) and to use food as comfort. People without these innate tendencies would not have found your parents' attitude to food uncomfortable.

ETA, I think you're the weird one here OP. It's not normal to want to help yourself to food in other people's houses; the fact this feels odd to you is a reflection on you. Notwithstanding things like special dietary requirements, taking your own food to hoard in your parents house is also weird. It's like you're addicted to and obsessed with food and can't bear to eat moderate portions even temporarily.

I agree. Sounds as if food was not really as available as growing children should have. If you overate they could then try to control your eating by cutting back portions, timing. Sounds awful.

Restricting meals to small portions wasn't the norm in the 70s/80s. People ate heartily and had puddings as well. Meals were very filling. Sounds like your parents overdid it in their desire for you to be skinny. Yes, this can lead to disordered eating

OP was born in 1988-1989: I reckon it was more likely to be overfed as a kid if born then rather than underfed. So yeah, I'd say unusual.

Blaming your parents... does that help you to get better now, OP? And get a healthier relationship with food & put food into a healthier role in your life?

In memoir (The Glass Castle) Jeanette Walls describes years of digging other pupil's lunches out of rubbish bins, she was such a hungry teenager & her siblings were same. But JW is not overweight now. She says she still eyes up leftovers on strangers plates when she enters a restaurant. But she doesn't get fat for that reflex.

This just triggered a memory for me. I always had stomach pains as a child. I was very skinny, but I don't think it was my mum's fault really. I was an extremely picky eater, and I think it panicked her sometimes. The pressure on me to eat probably wasn't the best way to handle it, but I think that she just didn't know what to do. I remember sitting at the table for hours, not being allowed to leave until I'd eaten. The food made me gag and I would just sit there crying until my mum eventually gave in and let me leave.

I grew out of it when I was around 11. I was a healthy weight until I got to about 16. Then I was earning my own money, and could buy my own junk food. I've struggled with my weight ever since, and I'm over weight now.

Sorry op, it doesn't sound great, and I hope that you can over come your issues around food. It's not a fun time 💐

That was a normal family eating routine.
Your parents were keeping you healthy.
Look at photos of crowds in the street after the Second World War and in the seventies. Fat people were rare. People were healthy and fit. Fewer cars, more walking, no junk food and three meals per day.
The food and essentials were purchased often on one wage. Soft drinks and sweet chocolate snacks were eaten a few times per year.

I still like to eat like that most days; I feel so much more energised. Three nutritious meals per day and a few cups of tea in between. Cake for birthdays.

Your childhood and teenage years sound completely normal. It was the same in my household growing up. We had 3 meals a day and the only snack was one biscuit after school. We certainly weren’t allowed to just help ourselves to food whenever we fancied it and I don’t think it’s usual to let children or teenagers do that.

So, obviously your parents were creeps to make you endure enforced hunger all the time and obviously it's affected you. Caring parents leave fruit and healthy snacks out for kids. Abusive arseholes pretend not to get that.

And now you know this, time to get it sorted As you're an adult now.

Yes, totally normal. I think you are looking to blame something other than yourself for your current overeating.

Gosh OP, I'm surprised at the responses to your post. And at the somewhat unpleasant tone of many of them. You are describing very tight control around what you ate, even when you were hungry. No, it's not normal to dictate how much a teenage child eats. Or to tell both granny and child what a teenage child is allowed. You would never have learned to trust your body or your appetite, as - way beyond when it was appropriate- your parents were decided when YOU had had enough. And while you did not starve you remember being hungry with no access to food allowed.

OF COURSE this would influence your access to food and to what and how you eat as an adult. It's very worth reflecting on, not to 'blame' anyone but to understand the factors that have shaped your attitude to food, and to decide and choose for yourself how you want to respond to them.

It sounds to me like reflecting on the restricted access to food you had when growing up is a really useful - crucial even - step on your journey with food as an adult.
Yes, never allowing a child enough food tends to create a certain mentality around around food. Does it mean you are doomed and your parents' controlling attitude mean you have no agency? No. But the nastiness on this thread is uncalled for towards someone taking the first, important steps to understanding her own adult relationship with food.

Good luck to you.

I think the three square meals a day was quite normal but I don't think being hungry was normal.

If we were hungry we were always allowed an apple and only an apple. The snack we got was a cup of tea and a couple of cookies when we got home from school. I think meal times were a bit more structured back then.

I don't know if you were underweight or normal weight back then but the being hungry doesn't sound normal. They should have been feeding you enough to satisfy you.

I feel the same as you OP. When I was growing up we had no snacks, ever. Not toast or cereal and certainly never a biscuit or bar of chocolate. When I visit my parents now the cupboards and fridge are bare except for planned meal items.

I was skinny as a child but as an adult I'm overweight, and I do feel it's because of these restrictions that I have an unhealthy relationship with food (although I recognise that now I'm an adult I have to take responsibility for my own food choices). My teen DC have a lot more freedom with food than I was allowed, and they're all a healthy weight and good at self-regulating (which I never had the chance to learn).

I know my parents love me and I'm very close to them. It's just this food thing!

The replies on this thread are shocking.
MN at its worse.

YANBU, of course childhood experiences affect the way we behave as adults.

That is a terrible comment.

Issues around food are complicated and what happens in childhood does impact on what you eat as an adult.

Eg I once had severe food poisoning after eating prawns when I was about 5, to this day I cannot eat prawns, seeing them makes me feel ill.

Teenagers are know to be bottomless and the odd slice of toast or piece of fruit doesn't make you fat.

OP

I had the opposite, I remember being force fed and my mum not allowing me to go on a diet even though it was obvious I was overweight and being bullied for it.

As an adult I can lose weight but I don't feel like me when I do. It's really complicated.

There were other things that were abnormal in my childhood and realising it wasn't normal can be difficult to think about / understand.

If you can I recommend getting some counselling.

Yep, completely agree.