Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

I can relate. 3 meals a day with no snacks allowed growing up (early 80s born) If I didn’t like it there wasn’t an alternative and I’d be made to force it down.
When I got to 14ish and would have pizza nights at friends houses and had pocket money I could spend on sweets I went mad! Massively over ate, was almost like an animal not knowing when I’d next get a chance to eat such foods! This lead to becoming overweight by 17/18. This was very much a rebound effect having some freedom and escape from a very strict routine and thankfully was just a phase (tho it did last yrs!) Gradually over time have managed to get good eating habits back, almost like now I know I can eat what I want when I want it doesn’t have the appeal it did. So I guess I’m saying it is possible to revere things and come out the other side!
(as for how to stay in shape when peri menopausal I haven’t figured that out tho 🤦🏼‍♀️)

If you were hungry, that's really not normal. You need to offer kids some choices as to what they want to eat. The best way to do this (in my humble opinion) is to offer healthy snacks. My 8 years old son is often "hungry" 20 minutes before bedtime even though we've had a proper meal at 5.30 /6 pm. He doesn't eat much but on the whole has enough I think. He's in the lower 10% weight wise but not underweight. He definitely can have food if he's hungry outside of meals (provided it's not 30 minutes or less earlier). I give him choices like wholegrain toast, fruit, carrots and hummous, crackers and cheese, cashew nuts, rice cakes etc... Sometimes, he can have a small bag of crisps or a cereal bar (not chocolate). If he refuses, I believe he's not that hungry, he just wants to snack. That's ok too but I'm offering enough choices for him to have one from the list above.
My mum dieted all my childhood and teenage years, I became anorexic at 17 and that ruined my early adult years.
I'm trying very hard not to make food an issue but I'm also trying to educate my children on healthy eating.
I hope you can make peace with food at some point. I'm still working on it!

I remember that insatiable appetite you have as a teenager.

i reckon the average teenager needs more calories than an adult. You are growing and are much more active than a typical adult.

I used to come him and eat sandwiches, crisps, fruit and biscuits as soon as I got home, then had a full dinner - still skinny!!

I have difficulty with my relationship with food as an adult. I want to enjoy treats and nice food, and I do, it's the guilt afterwards that leads me to not eat for the days following giving in to the craving... I think mine stems from seeing my dad batter mum in drunken rages, while calling her a fat greedy cow (she wasn't). Child me though if I could stay thin, dad wouldn't get mad and we'd all be ok... It's surprising how decades later, that child thought is so deeply entrenched I can't escape it, even having a few biscuits brings it back. I don't very much think that comments/actions made by parents as you are growing up and while your brain is developing can stay with you forever... If it's engrained in your lizard brain, it will shape you as an adult. Thanks mum and dad for disordered eating and BPD 🙄

As a child of the 80s, I don't think it was normal for parents to be so restrictive with food and I can see how that would cause you issues.

Yes, we were on a tight budget and there weren't unlimited snacks available, but I don't recall being constantly hungry. I was always fed well at mealtimes, the fruit bowl was always full and we could have things like toast or cereal if we were especially hungry. When we saw my grandparents they were allowed to spoil us with pick n mix from Woolies and my grandmothers home made cakes! We were all healthy weights and still are.

It could be a factor but really, most of us eat too much of the wrong things because they taste really good and it's enjoyable to eat them.

I agree that treats and snacks are seen as hourly requirements these days, and it wasn't like that 30 years ago, but you're really in the best place to know what your issues are and how you could eat more healthily. What are your triggers? Do you still get really hungry?

We had 3 meals.

But we also had supper. A bowl of cereal or hot chocolate and toast before bed.

I think YABU. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and you didn’t help yourself to food. All food that was bought was allocated for one of the three meals of the day. There was no extra apart from maybe a biscuit or an apple. I was an average size (ie same as all my peers at school) - working class area and no one was either extremely skinny or extremely fat.

I think it depends
My parents rarely ate due to substance misuse and when they did, they ate small portions as they had a poor appetite. As a result me and my siblings would have very small portions too- parents would say it was plenty as we had what an adult ate.
I remember feeling hungry in the evening and being told I couldn’t be as ‘id just had supper’. I was so very underweight but my parents told me it was just our metabolism
I don’t think my parents were deliberately under feeding me they just had no idea of my calories requirements

Too many people here are focusing on “no snacks” and ignoring the part where you had small portions and your parents wouldn’t give you more food if you were genuinely hungry. And the part where your brother was allowed to have milkshakes because he was a boy (and presumably didn’t have to “stay thin”) is a huge sign that your parents’ attitude toward girls and food was not normal. YANBU.

Op you’re asking in the wrong forum. Where a “massive salad” feeds a family for a fortnight, and eating more than one biscuit a week is gluttony.

Food was restricted and you were hungry. That’s not OK. I can totally see why feeling deprived for so long leads to overeating now. But now you have that insight you can deal with it.

Does your mother ever comment on your weight now? It must have been awful to be hungry all the time.

Pretty normal, this was my experience too

That does actually make them sound very controlling and like you’re a little bit scared of them. My son is a similar age to you and if he was at mine and hungry he would just go int the kitchen and make himself something.

@Blueberrycreampie

Oh yes, she’s definitely does. It’s like a broken record each time I see them (they don’t live nearby).

I dint remember it being normal not to snack in the 80s/90s though. I remember lots of my friends parents going to the cash and carry for boxes or crisps and things like kitkats and penguins heavily featuring in peoples homes as snacks. I dint remember restrictive eating being a thing tbh.

My parents ate healthy and were very active, we didn't have snacks but we didn't go hungry as meals were balanced. I'm so thankful that they brought us up to understand nutrition and to enjoy food but not use it as an emotional crutch or be used to huge portions. It's sad you went hungry and it sounds like they weren't concerned over your health and teaching good habits but your appearance. Plenty of people have the opposite and food is used as a sign of love or things centre around food- I think parents have a huge impact on our relationship to food as an adult.

@CecilyP

It’s like I’m scared of them, although in reality I don’t think I am.
But I revert back to this childlike state.
I wouldn’t dare help myself to anything without asking first, even at my age (34!) and I have my own DS. Who they think has too many snacks etc but he is more of a grazer than a full meal child, plus he’s got suspected ASD.

An example of now is that my parents will
share a packet of crisps at lunchtime with their sandwiches (they’re not struggling for money by any means) my dad retired early and they’re living mortgage free.

My mum will make a small bar of dark chocolate last a week, by having one or two squares a day.

And their idea of healthy is very odd too. its small portions as it was when we were younger but things like white bread sandwiches , which I know as an adult aren’t the best choice and don’t keep you full.

I think what you are describing is totally normal, and I wouldn't help myself to food in my parents house now, as an adult - or in anyone's house.

I think you are to blame for your own choices as an adult, and if you have children, I am sure you do your best for them, but will make some decisions they will disagree with when they look back as adults, but how would you like it if they started to blame you for their own mistakes and misjudgements once they have grown up?

White bread is packed with calories ... we may know now that it spikes your blood sugar, but that wasn't necesserily known at the time

I mean that doesn't sound overly weird to be honest, having self control with chocolate & realising you're just as content taste wise with half a bag of crisps (I mean people eat them for the taste rather than being filling etc mainly) is fine. Maybe they just prefer white bread and aren't claiming its healthy?

It is probable that some of the choices you make for your own children will seem like the best choice at the time, but a few decades down the line, when knowledge develops even further, we will see that we were wrong.

well, being a snacker and a grazer isn't great, is it? Your parents style of three meals a day would be better for his long term health ..