Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

Three meals and no snacks are one thing, but restricting the portions as well so that a child who’s ‘so so skinny’ is going to bed hungry… no I don’t think that’s just ‘the good old days when we were all healthier’ as other posters seem to think.

I think saying things like "no you need to stay slim" to a teenager would likely have contributed to eating/ weight issues as you've got older.

FWIW I don't find it normal at all to limit a child or teenagers food in this way. Small portions and no snacks? Most teenagers are very hungry and most households (if not struggling with the cost) would have food accessible and unrestricted to a certain extent. Certainly I would expect family members to be able to help themselves to fruit/ crackers/ cereal without thinking twice!

Wow - can’t believe some of the replies on here.

If you remember being hungry all the time, that’s an issue. Especially if your mum was limiting it because you had to stay slim.

I have a cousin who is morbidly obese. Both her parents are super skinny and ration food out. If you go to their house, you get a single square of chocolate for dessert. I no longer go there for dinner because I leave starving and needing to make another dinner.

For context- I’m a size 8 and have never been bigger than a size 10 - apart from 2 pregancies. My weight has never fluctuated more than a stone. ( I say that to illustrate how someone with regular eating habits and no issues can see that being hungry is not right)

But recognising how your childhood is affecting your relationship with food is a really positive step. I’d recommend you speak to a therapist. They will help you work through this and find a way to improve your eating habits

3 decent meals and no snacks would be OK, but if OP was only being fed small portions and can remember feeling hungry, I can't see how this is normal.

I couldn’t ever imagine helping myself to a bowl of cereal in the evening as a teen.

We weren’t particularly well off, but had enough and weren’t struggling.

We grew up thr same way. Normal.

It's not fair to say it's your parents fault that you are unhappy with your weight.

You are responsible for what you eat.

Mmm three meals were pretty normal for us growing up too. Maybe we could ask some fruit during the day if we were hungry but we absolutely had to ask .

Also a bun or two would have been considered fairly standard: how many would have actually wanted?

I don't always think it's fair to judge our parents standards back then against the standards of today . Things have moved on so much.

Im not sure it's fair to blame your parents for your weight now though but I'm sorry you feel that it affected your childhood

I think what you describe was common back then, but I don’t think it was kind or treatment that I would replicate with my children. I remember that feeling of being constantly hungry too, and very restricted on things like cake or crisps, eg crisps once a month. I think it was just what parents thought was “healthy”, ie making sure kids were skinny.

Btw I was born in the late 80s, so this was in the 90s-early 2000s.

I think if the parents were brought up in the rationing years after the war or were children of parents who lived through the depression/ concentration camps then this was very normal. My own mother grew up in the war years and I wasn’t allowed sweets or chocolate often. It just wasn’t in the house. Sometimes I was allowed sweets from the shop in a tiny paper bag. Sometime a bag of crisps. Not normal to be munching away all day long.

This sounds horrible. I can understand why you have now turned to food for comfort. It definitely sounds a bit abusive and controlling.

I hope you can seek out counselling to talk about your childhood?

I remember I was never allowed to ask for food at other people's houses, or say I didn't like the food I was offered. My Mum was very strict about this. and table manners. While my dad would spoil me with cakes and sweets as a sign of affection. Yes, I do believe it contributed to my ED which I've suffered on/off for 30 years.

Are there any healthy hobbies you might be able to do with friends, even just going out for a walk in park to help with your fitness, if your weight is bothering you.
I wish you well : )

Surprised at these replies. We also got 3 meals a day and the portions were modest. We weren't allowed to help ourselves to extras and treats such as crisps or chocolate were controlled, but if we asked we would definitely be allowed food in the evening. Toast, hot chocolate, fruit, cereal, my brother used to make himself huge amounts of pasta and tuna, he was always hungry as a teenager. Sometimes he would do this immediately after finishing his dinner!

My parents were like this too. I remember sneaking a frozen slice of bread from the freezer to eat (frozen) because I was so hungry and there was no way I’d have been allowed anything.

Like you, becoming independent was when I had to adjust to making my own decisions about what to eat and I agree it’s hard. But you have to take responsibility for yourself eventually. Your problems with food might or might not be related to your upbringing but it doesn’t really make any difference to what you do now. No one can make decisions about what you eat now except you. Best to make your peace with the past and move forward.

That sounds fairly normal. It was how I was brought up, and I've never been anything but a healthy weight.

@ShoePalaver

No, that would be totally unheard of in our house. As an adult I still wouldn’t make myself a piece of toast in the evening at my parents if I was hungry!

I was born in the 90s and we only had 3 meals a day. We got snacks on days out etc but not in the house. All of my friends were the same as far as I know. Nowadays kids seem to need to be fed every hour which is crazy and cost-consuming.

Exactly. we didn't have lots of snacks (and nor do my children for that matter), but there was extra food at meals if we were hungry etc and portions weren't strictly policed

My childhood was similar. We didn't have much money, so my mother had to meal plan and we couldn't just help ourselves to whatever we fancied. We were allowed toast before bed, but "supper" was planned in to the daily food allowance. Often, I was hungry, even when I got a paper round in my teens and supplemented healthy meals with unhealthy snacks.

As a comparatively well off adult, what I eat is now entirely up to me. Whether your parents were right or wrong, it's the same for you. You do now have a choice.

It sounds extremely unusual especially for the time period yes. Yanbu at all. Most of us at that time had free reign over the sunny d and the biscuits drawer! Extra sandwich / cereal / leftovers whenever. Friends too in my house.

I'm sorry your situation sounds like it was really weird and controlling. I can see why it would affect you as an adult.

I think that a normal healthy weight now appears to us to be skinny. My mother was fat (as described by a classmate) and I was terribly conscious of this. But she was never larger than a size 18, and looking around at people nowadays, she was somewhere in the middle. We've got used to different body shapes.

All of my friends were the same as far as I know. Nowadays kids seem to need to be fed every hour which is crazy and cost-consuming. It teaches that to be hungry is an intolerable state which must be rectified immediately. Which is a bit difficult if you do need to lose weight!

I don't think it's normal OP, I'm surprised at the response you've had here. It sounds very restrictive.

That's definitely true, @MereDintofPandiculation . My own mother was relatively overweight for her time, but now would probably go unnoticed, much as I do. I don't know how she got to be that way, however, as our portions were very small, hers most of all, as she was always dieting. There was very little snacking, with or without permission, and certainly no helping ourselves.
That said, I don't remember going to bed hungry, as OP does, and her childhood is a good couple of decades later than mine, By that time I'm sure it was the norm to be more relaxed about food.

No, not normal.

I think this indicates your parents had a disordered idea of diet, and if slimmess was emphasised, you are looking at parents who had disordered thinking around body shape and size.

Anorexic or bulimic thinking and practices and attitudes of a parent can have a devastating impact on the eating habits of their children.