MIL vs puppy

[PetVsPIL]

DH and I have just bought a puppy. A small, friendly breed of dog who probably won’t grow to more than 10kg. The problem is MIL doesn’t like dogs. She has always tried to put us off getting a dog and now we have one she has said that the dog isn’t welcome at her house (which is of course fine we wouldn’t take the dog anywhere he wasn’t welcome) but that she won’t visit us any longer if the dog is at our house. She lives 5 hours away, so always stays for at least two nights - only meeting out of the house without the dog isn’t possible. DH and I have basically said, that’s ok and she’s welcome to our house at any time, but we won’t put the dog in kennels for her.

Now she has started to make lots of passive aggressive comments about loving the dog more than her and has been complaining to her sister (DH’s aunt) about us, but I don’t think we’re being unfair. This is the dog’s home.

Is that you MIL?

I get that people don’t like dogs. I have no problem with MIL not liking my dog, or not wanting to fuss over him. I don’t think she’s weird or unreasonable for that. But I still don’t think she can or should ask him to leave the house based on that. If push comes to shove, I would choose the dog over MIL in this situation. It’s his house and like another poster said above, he brings me joy every day.

I hope I don’t sound like one of those posters who is refusing to accept they are being unreasonable, but MIL isn’t terribly phobic or allergic. I think she wants to be chosen as more important than the dog and is having a strop and other than saying “oh that’s a shame, you’re still more than welcome. Here are some local hotels and B&Bs you can stay in and we can meet up in the day”, I’m not really inclined to pander to it. DH is on the same page, and generally has less patience for his mum than I do.

And he’s a toy poodle for the person who asked.

Picture of puppy please!

I could flip it around and say that MIL has decided that her desire to be not around a dog (not triggered by phobia or allergies) is more important than her own son.

Agree with you. A phobia is one thing (and if she has a phobia she should be getting treatment), but 'I don't like it' is another and should not be pandered to. There are lots of things I don't like but I am a grown up and I tolerate them. Especially as you say you would keep pup from jumping on her or annoying her. If it's just his mere presence she doesn't like, she is being ridiculous.
Puppy pic please.

Genuinely baffled by some of the replies on here - so OP should have to live her entire life without a pet because someone who visits 4-6 nights a YEAR, has no allergies and could stay in a hotel doesn't like it? The idea of my parent who lives hours away telling me I'm not allowed a pet is utterly bonkers. I'm normally 100% behind the people before dogs and am not a huge fan of the current dogs having to be everywhere thing but surely this is just all about control from MIL

My sister in law doesn’t like dogs and was anal if she came over, such a drama queen. We now have three, she no longer visits which suits me, such a pain in the arse. Her kids are petrified of dogs and it’s all down to her!

All I will say OP is that my parents were furious when we decided to get a dog and were very vocal saying it was a mistake. For literally no reason, other than they thought it was a bad idea. Well they adore him now, he's the beloved "grand-child" and they have even happily looked after him and come on dog friendly holidays with us.

However generally my parents are pretty reasonable people. I think your suspisions of your MIL wanting to pull rank over the dog are probably true and she is being a twat. Just ignore her, best case scenario she might come round and decide she loves the dog in the end. If not...it's her problem.

My friend had a dog that I was scared of. I'm not phobic, just scared of this breed. She knew this so the dog was always in another room or outside when I visited. And yes, I stayed overnight!
Things can be worked out.

This. I have a 4 month old golden retriever puppy. His training is going really well, but even so, he forgets himself and jumps, scratches, and nips when over stimulated or over tired. I’ve had to train visitors too, to ignore him unless his paws are on the floor. He’s toilet trained, but I wouldn’t trust him not to pee in a new environment yet so he stays home (for now).

And quite a culture shock for me when I was used to my old boy - a well behaved, perfectly trained spaniel who did exactly what he was asked and knew how to behave around people.

Puppies are cute, but they’re hard work and a pain in the ass for visitors. Older, trained, chilled out, non teething dogs are much more pleasant!

I think when she realises that the dog will be at your house when she visits otherwise she won’t see you she’ll come round.

Yanbu though. It’s her choice not to come round to yours. Stand your ground.

I am really really very scared of dogs. I have made progress on my fears and I can be around small dogs without an issue once I get to know them. My family and friends who have big dogs still accommodate me somewhat by putting the dog in another room when I'm there or keeping an eye on it, not leaving me completely alone with a big dog. It's my issue, stems from a childhood attack, and I would never dream of telling someone to not get a dog.

I do have one "friend" who is a very irresponsible dog owner and I have stopped visiting her. Her dog is a ball of anxiety that barks and snarls at anyone and has zero recall. To be fair, my DH who loves dogs wasn't a fan of being around that dog either so I'm not totally crazy.

Your MIL is very unreasonable.

OP should have to live her entire life without a pet because someone who visits 4-6 nights a YEAR, has no allergies and could stay in a hotel doesn't like it?

Literally no one has said this

When the first grandchild arrives, she will soon change her tune!

I used to be scared of dogs.
The cure was to get one (necessary for security reasons)
She was a giant breed and therefore very placid. The little ones are the snappiest @TTCSoManyQuestions88 , if you didn't know. It took a few weeks, but I totally fell in love.
But this is not the case for OP.
Sounds like MIL is trying to exert some authority. Shame she doesn't have any here.
When Christmas 25 comes around and it's with the dog or on her own, it's obvious she'll cave.

It's up to you, obviously, but you and DH have to accept that you've made a decision that will have a detrimental effect on your relationship with DH's mother. You're a dog person, so I don't think you understand how uncomfortable it is for someone who isn't okay with dogs to spend lots of time with one. Fear doesn't always look like you think it should. I'm not phobic of dogs but, having had bad experiences, I am never able to relax in the company of one. You should at least be able to empathize with this, whatever your own experiences. And you show no empathy in your posts. Every possible workaround, you're batting away.

As I say, up to you. But you have chosen a dog over a continuation of a mother/son relationship.

That’s interesting but irrelevant @JamesPringle

MIL has never said she is afraid of dogs. Not ever. She said she doesn’t like them, which is completely different.

She has previously been completely relaxed around dogs in OPs company.

OP and her family will continue to see MIL at her home without DDog, and are happy to see MIL away from their home if she chooses not to go there again.

Sounds like a win to me.

They're not doing that to the mil. Don't be soft.
The mil has tried to exert power over their household and they've stopped her by saying no. The dog is bloody irrelevant because it's none of mil's business. She made an inappropriate demand and lost. If she wants to dig her heels in that's her own doing.

but admitting fear is also difficult for some people/in some cultures.

But the only person on this thread who actually knows MIL is very sure it’s just another attempt at manipulation and creating drama. Some people live for this shit.

I am only surprised nobody has yet suggested MIL might have dementia…

Just because someone has dementia doesn't mean they shouldn't be treated with kindness and respect. Putting the dog with a dog sitter for a few days a year versus keeping an woman happy- I can't believe it's even worth an argument. I am a dog owner myself. We had to make an arrangement when we went abroad for a year last year- and the dog survived.

and others who do t'other way round!

She clearly doesn't have a debilitating phobia of or allergy to dogs; OP says she's seen her around other dogs, behaving normally. It does sound like she simply doesn't like dogs and is displeased that her son and DIL ignored her 'advice' and got one anyway. She's being a petulant brat about the dog because they dared go against her wishes.

I wouldn't put my dog out of its own home under those circumstances. It's not practical, and it's not necessary. She can either stay in a hotel or accept that her son now owns a dog. (She could stop him having one when he was a child living under her roof, but now it's out of her control, poor thing.)

She's absolutely entitled to want nothing to do with any dog, ever. Completely normal. Some people hate dogs, nothing wrong with that at all. Her life, her choice.

But not her place to instruct you on what you can do in your own home. Her choice not to visit. Ignore any comments, your house, your life, your choice.