MIL vs puppy

[PetVsPIL]

DH and I have just bought a puppy. A small, friendly breed of dog who probably won’t grow to more than 10kg. The problem is MIL doesn’t like dogs. She has always tried to put us off getting a dog and now we have one she has said that the dog isn’t welcome at her house (which is of course fine we wouldn’t take the dog anywhere he wasn’t welcome) but that she won’t visit us any longer if the dog is at our house. She lives 5 hours away, so always stays for at least two nights - only meeting out of the house without the dog isn’t possible. DH and I have basically said, that’s ok and she’s welcome to our house at any time, but we won’t put the dog in kennels for her.

Now she has started to make lots of passive aggressive comments about loving the dog more than her and has been complaining to her sister (DH’s aunt) about us, but I don’t think we’re being unfair. This is the dog’s home.

Just to add we would still visit her and ask friends to look after the dog while we visit. And she would still be invited here to stay when she wants. But she is declining the invitation. I really get that it looks like we’re choosing the dog over her. But I partly feel like he’s so new and we made a commitment to him when we got him. He can’t be left in the garden for a weekend and would either need to be with friends and family (who I hate to ask the favours of if it isn’t needed) or paid accommodation for the dog or MIL. I will look into the second option of my dog. But I feel that I shouldn’t have to choose and that MIL has created a problem and I do resent that a bit.

The other thing is events like Christmas. I couldn’t leave my dog with friends/family over Christmas so then she would either have to visit us with the dog at home or not spend Christmas with us. I really can’t see another way around that. Probably prematurely worrying about that, because we just spent Christmas with her, and we alternate between families so this won’t be an issue until December 2025.

Would it really take a life threatening allergy for you to prioritise your mum's comfort? Like I said, fine if so but I don't think that's typical in normal, healthy, loving families.

OP sounds like the house layout needs some thought - like I said last night, MIL won't be the only visitor you'll need to keep the dog away from. Even a hard floor in a room you can close will make things easier. Come up with a plan, explain it to MIL and make it clear you intend to train the dog properly (and follow through obviously!). At present she's not feeling welcomed into her son's home, I'm sure you can all work to change that.

We were in a similar position but with my parents. We now have a almost 2 year old Labrador. From the beginning, they made it very clear he would not be allowed in their house. Garden is fine but not in the house.

However they are happy to come to ours. When he was a pup and overexcitable we moved him into another room or into his crate when they were at ours. We did alot in the garden and out and about when he was young. But after this time the rule about their house still stands.

Even not liking dogs requires some comprise on her side.

In my case my DM is perfectly happy to visit any house that has a dog - bar mine. It's not a question of prioritizing her comfort, it's that she doesn't realize I'm an adult.
Not a normal healthy loving relationship but from her side, not mine.
I'm no longer her child to control and as she will not die if she sees my dog (though acts as if she will. By this I mean she gasps and grabs her chest theatrically if the dog wanders past outside, not that she says she's allergic) we chose to get one without even thinking we should consult her as

1. it's not her house
2. she has zero problems with any other dog
3. she's not my boss

People who do have normal families don't always realize that it's not like that for everyone

This reminds me of my ex MIL. She hated animals and when we got cats she refused to speak to my ex for a month. She never even came to our place though, it was purely a control thing.

From your update it sounds like you have offered compromises so it's up to her really. We have just got a puppy and are training him and building up leaving him, but honestly I would prioritise his comfort in his own home over people who don't live here. We would just go out if someone wasn't happy with him here, but I will admit I hate guests anyway 😂

I have a lot of sympathy with your MIL. I do not like dogs.

Could you not put the dog in another room when she is there? I know it is a pain for you, but I cannot see any other solution.

I do fully realise it's not like that for everyone, hence the caveat. But we have no reason to think OP's DH's family is like that - they sound quite close. Encouraging her to lay down ultimatums and jeopardise a close family relationship over a problem that can probably be solved isn't good advice, it's bringing your own issues to the table when they're irrelevant.

My thoughts exactly - happy days!

I feel so sad for your MiL. People before dogs, every time.

Check out Trusted Housesitters @PetVsPIL - we use them for weekends and longer holidays away and it's an excellent service.

The MIL is trying to dictate what the OP does in her own home and is being ridiculous. People before dogs?? Not if they're being unreasonable.

The classic cut off your nose to spite your face.

Look up your local Airbnb property that she can stay in if she doesn't want to stay with you. She can book that for herself instead.

This comment might or might not be for me.
In my case my DM was the one who laid down the ultimatum - if you get a dog I'll never see you again.
I haven't given any advice to the OP or recommended anything that would jeopardize a close family relationship.

I am mentioning my situation which I do think is relevant because it's a grown adult living elsewhere trying to dictate what goes on in their adult child's house

YANBU, clearly. Nobody should be basing their life choices around a single whim - because that is what it is; as you've said, she doesn't have a phobia - of an occasional visitor.

But of course this is Mumsnet where people will immediately tell you that you are wrong solely because your lifestyle choice happens to be a dog rather than some other thing your MIL doesn't like. Mumsnet is full of people who insist they could never go near a house where anyone has a dog, had had a dog in the past, had a picture of a dog, or had said the word 'dog' in the past 10 years.

The gasping and grabbing her chest would crack me up.

Result

I think the “people before dogs” mantra works until you think that the person is making a power play rather than being genuinely frightened or allergic.

the fact OP has seen MIL happy and relaxed around other dogs makes me think it’s pushing boundaries and a bit of a test. So yes to people before dogs- unless the person is just being difficult

So, would you allow your own MIL to dictate your personal life choices on the grounds of what she does/doesn't like? Do you think the OP's MIL should also be allowed to veto things like the colour of the OP's living room, or the names of her children, or her husband's haircut, or what kind of house they live in?

Yes, you have a right to pack your house with all manner of pets. However you created this problem, not your MIL. You knew she did not like dogs before you got the dog. She has tried to put you off getting a dog for years- so you knew that getting a dog would create a problem for MIL visiting you.

Why didn’t you get a cat or some other pet? If I were MIL, I would think you purposely picked the one pet she can’t stand to cause a rift between her and her DS.

As for what to do, kennel the dog when she comes to visit. Or kennel the dog and go and visit MIL.

One easy to agree to request to not have a dog is nothing like dictating multiple personal life choices 🙄

She also shields her eyes so she doesn't catch a glimpse of DDog if she has to walk past her as she goes from her car to the house and DDog is tied up on a very short lead outside and happens to be sitting there quietly existing

She needs help to overcome this irrational behaviour. Don’t put yourselves out @PetVsPIL just live your best lives with your new puppy. It’s up to her to sort this not you.

@KreedKafer

Daft response. Wallpaper is unlikely to try to jump up, lick, shit and smell. Neither is a child's hair.

It's sad that she's decided she won't visit you.

Puppies though 😍

It’s more than a request though, isn’t it? A request would be ‘please can you buy Yorkshire Tea for when I visit’, not ‘please don’t make any big lifestyle decisions based on my preferences’.