MIL vs puppy

[PetVsPIL]

DH and I have just bought a puppy. A small, friendly breed of dog who probably won’t grow to more than 10kg. The problem is MIL doesn’t like dogs. She has always tried to put us off getting a dog and now we have one she has said that the dog isn’t welcome at her house (which is of course fine we wouldn’t take the dog anywhere he wasn’t welcome) but that she won’t visit us any longer if the dog is at our house. She lives 5 hours away, so always stays for at least two nights - only meeting out of the house without the dog isn’t possible. DH and I have basically said, that’s ok and she’s welcome to our house at any time, but we won’t put the dog in kennels for her.

Now she has started to make lots of passive aggressive comments about loving the dog more than her and has been complaining to her sister (DH’s aunt) about us, but I don’t think we’re being unfair. This is the dog’s home.

I won't visit my sister in law because of her dog. But I'm happy to have an excuse not to visit her. 😀

We used to have an infrequent visitor who would actually scream if she caught sight of our dog.
The dog was usually asleep when she arrived,the hysterics would wake her up and she'd take herself off to the kitchen for some peace and quiet.

You knew she had a problem with dogs, you knew she would have to stay with you when she visited, you knew you'd struggle to visit without bringing the dog.... but you want confirmation that getting the dog was the right decision & that her feelings about it are just over reaction ?!?!

By all means you wanted it & you got it - fair enough but you cant also claim you cared anything about how a family member who semi-regularly stays in your home felt.

& the size of the dog isn't the problem id imagine its the temperament both how it's raised &(!) Its experiances (we once had a verrry placid dog around that size that couldnt be left alone with kids or strangers after another familys dog attacked it on a walk & it had a bad experiance with someone's child so completely unexpectedly compared to how it was raised)

I don’t think not getting a dog is a reasonable request from MIL, and not one directly made (though she was clear she didn’t think it was a good idea). She doesn’t live with us. She visits for a weekend at a time two or three times a year and so has no say who lives in the house and joins our family. I’d say this about my family too. Would we also need her approval if we got a lodger or invited a friend she didn’t like to move in with us?

She is ridiculous if she thinks she has a right to dictate your life choices.

I really can't be doing with people who use sly emotional manipulation to get what they want. I find it difficult to refrain from calling out passive aggression when someone tries it on me.

I don’t want confirmation that getting the dog was the right decision. Without wanting to sound harsh, I know getting the dog was the right decision. I’ve always wanted a dog, as had DH. We are in a position to finally have the dog we’ve always wanted and we didn’t host an approval committee of our extended family before getting him. I think that’s fairly normal. I don’t like pet rats or snakes or stick insects but I don’t think I get a say if any household other than mine gets them. I wouldn’t expect or want any of my family to make decisions on pets based on what an infrequent visitor thinks of them.

My issue was more about whether we were right to say that MIL is welcome to stay with us as she always has been, and we are happy to restrict the dog to the open plan, but we won’t move him out of the house for her visits. She is more than welcome to stay in a hotel and we can meet up without the dog. Of course we will find alternative accommodation for him when we visit her, as we still plan to.

Obviously we won’t fully know his temperament until he is grown, and we obviously hope he has no traumatic experiences. He’s a toy poodle. Training is going well so far. I only mentioned size because a St Bernard is going to feel much more present than a Pomeranian, even with a similar temperament.

If your home features a family member who stays semi-regularly then I would expect them to also be on board but its done now & you'll (& she) just have to put up with less contact

I wouldn’t put my dog in kennels either. Fair enough that he isn’t welcome at her house of course but anyone that doesn’t want to visit me because of my dog is fine by me!

She stays for 6 nights a year 😂 1.6 % of the year!!!

Yes!

well played, OP

If I thought getting more dogs would keep my mother in law away I'd buy twenty

She's just throwing her weight around since she was fine hanging out on a boat with them

She's just a controlling twat - ignore her

@PetVsPIL This is not about the dog - this is a MIL who is trying to control situations. She did not want you to get the dog, you have not "obeyed" her hence the behaviour.

Enjoy your puppy and its life with you. You have offered work arounds for your MIL, she is choosing not to take them. The more you try and appease her with solutions the more she will come up with excuses not to try them.

Think you're being perfectly reasonable, OP.
My in-laws don't like dogs much. When we decided to get a dog, we knew the dog wouldn't be welcome at their houses and we'd probably lose them as babysitters. We discussed our plans with them, but it would never have occurred to us (or them!) that their dislike of dogs was a reason not to get one.
When we got the dog, FIL (who was bitten a few times in his line of work and is nervous of dogs as well as not keen on them) decided that he was going to get to know him. He came round a lot when DDog was a puppy and took time to get to know him. He became one of the dog's favourite people, and genuinely loved the dog.
In time, the dog was welcome at some of the wider family households (not all of them - and of course that's fine). We were enormously grateful for the calm and mature way they responded to a decision that was ours to make but that they didn't much like.

Depends wether its 6 nights a year in a row or six nights a year she comes down & stays over night before the trip back because 1 I would consider a friend/kennel if she was genuinely concerned about it & the id expect her opinion taken into account if she was genuinely on good terms

• 2 very different timetables

we had two friends with babies come to visit, sitting drinking tea when in strolled our sweet little female tabby, friend turned white, started screaming ! shouting, get it out, she was terrified, she had to leave, shaking, I never experienced any such violent reaction before or since
years ago I was drinking tea with a friend in her house when next door’s Siamese cat stalked in, hurled itself at her ,jumped on her head, clawing at her eyes, drew blood, husband on scene hauled crazed cat off, neighbours rehomed it

My younger brother had a dog when living at home, mum not pleased, brother marries moves away, mum refuses to relinquish dog, magic worked, totally

OP has already explained MIL stays for a weekend two or three times a year.

No reason she can’t stay in hotel and see the family without the dog. Or she can choose not to come at all. Her choice entirely.

In the 17 years me and exH were together, MIL never visited once because we have always had cats. I think it's pretty pathetic but never made a big deal of it, if she doesn't want to come then leave her to it, as other posters have said, it's her issue. I would ignore all the tantrums completely.

This is a problem for your husband to deal with. It's his mother after all. I would go for anything he decides. By the way, you can easily find an experienced dog sitter who will provide home away from home environment for £35 or so per 24 hours sitting. Much cheaper than being cut out of the inheritance. You are not going to win this battle, I would stay well clear

I’m just wondering how many mumsnetters are planning to buy (insert name of animal MIL doesn’t like) on the back of this thread!!

Your friend sounds like she has a phobia and that’s a bit different. That being said it is primarily the responsibility of the person of the phobia to manage it as best as they can. Go to the doctor, take the tablets, have the therapy and if it doesn’t go away then of course, the people around them should accommodate it to a reasonable degree. A blanket ban on family members having pets is not reasonable though.

My mother encouraged by my sister got a cat against my wishes as I'm very allergic.

Any stay meant stripping the beds for my own bedding and never sitting on soft furniture or carpets.

Most trips I ended up on steroids, took weeks to get over it, sometimes I'd decamp to the car for a sleep. She lived 5 hours away.

Drove me absolutely nuts privately especially as I needed to go down regularly with her dementia but it was still her decision and goodness she did love that cat.

Your mil is being ridiculous.

Different of course if it is a severe and PROVEN allergy.

One grown ass woman blubbering over 1 tiny ddog? She needs to get over her convenient phobia...
Stop pandering to her... She can see a GP about some therapy.. She is a control freak and your dh is falling for it. Betcha you have some measure of her even if you haven't said it out loud..

Yanbu