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Original poster

MIL vs puppy

150 replies

PetVsPIL · 04/02/2024 20:28

DH and I have just bought a puppy. A small, friendly breed of dog who probably won’t grow to more than 10kg. The problem is MIL doesn’t like dogs. She has always tried to put us off getting a dog and now we have one she has said that the dog isn’t welcome at her house (which is of course fine we wouldn’t take the dog anywhere he wasn’t welcome) but that she won’t visit us any longer if the dog is at our house. She lives 5 hours away, so always stays for at least two nights - only meeting out of the house without the dog isn’t possible. DH and I have basically said, that’s ok and she’s welcome to our house at any time, but we won’t put the dog in kennels for her.

Now she has started to make lots of passive aggressive comments about loving the dog more than her and has been complaining to her sister (DH’s aunt) about us, but I don’t think we’re being unfair. This is the dog’s home.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/02/2024 21:42

Doesn’t like? Or is secretly scared/phobic? We put the cats in kennels for my mil, she was genuinely phobic. Can you find out a bit more? It seems a bit extreme to say she won’t stay because she doesn’t like dogs.

Dontkillspiders · 04/02/2024 21:54

It's her problem she doesn't like dogs not yours

Beansy8 · 04/02/2024 22:01

OP, why isn't it possible to meet up with her outside the house without the dog?

Then she could stay in a hotel nearby and you could still meet up with her.

I have friends who have dogs and I'm pretty sure the dogs don't have to be with them 24/7.

saraclara · 04/02/2024 22:03

So she stays in a hotel and you meet up with her outside the house. Obviously if you visit her you would need to make other arrangements for the dog

OP has said that that isn't possible. Seems that she and her DH are refusing to even meet her for an hour or two without the dog.

I can only assume that they both work from home in order to accommodate this dog. Makes you wonder how anyone had dogs when we all had to leave the house to go to work.

KnittingKnewbie · 04/02/2024 22:05

My mother did this to us. As in , told us if we went ahead and got the dog we had already bought she'd never visit again.
She thinks she has an equal say in what goes on in my home. She actually has zero say.
I told her that was her decision. She will visit now but we have to juggle the dog in and out of different rooms so their paths never cross and she won't stay in case our (placid lazy) dog kills our child (who sleeps with us!) in the night.
It's really damaged our relationship and I don't particularly want to be around her any more. I know who brings us more happiness every day (the dog!)

I have no advice but this is the first time I've come across anyone in the same situation and I'm interested to hear the opinions

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2024 22:09

She lives 5 hours away, so always stays for at least two nights - only meeting out of the house without the dog isn’t possible.

You're never going to leave the dog? Ever? For no length of time whatsoever?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 04/02/2024 22:11

saraclara · 04/02/2024 22:03

So she stays in a hotel and you meet up with her outside the house. Obviously if you visit her you would need to make other arrangements for the dog

OP has said that that isn't possible. Seems that she and her DH are refusing to even meet her for an hour or two without the dog.

I can only assume that they both work from home in order to accommodate this dog. Makes you wonder how anyone had dogs when we all had to leave the house to go to work.

In this case, I think OP is being difficult for the sake of it. Surely at the very least the DH can leave OP with the dog (if the dog really can't ever be left alone for any time at all) so he can see his mother.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/02/2024 22:12

In a similar position. Wish we'd known. We'd have gotten a dog 10yrs ago!

Mum2jenny · 04/02/2024 22:15

A puppy is much more fun than a mil, enjoy the puppy ….

Crazycrazylady · 04/02/2024 22:24

Op
Why can't you meet get outside the house??? Surely your dh wishes to see his mother at some stage and if she travels to ye , stays in a hotel . Surely it not unreasonable to expect ye to pop out to her given she's done the rest and is scared of dogs .

You don't across kindly in any of this.

KnittingKnewbie · 04/02/2024 22:28

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2024 22:09

She lives 5 hours away, so always stays for at least two nights - only meeting out of the house without the dog isn’t possible.

You're never going to leave the dog? Ever? For no length of time whatsoever?

I understand this to mean OP saying because MIL lives far away they can't just pop out to meet her for a walk once a week without the dog. As in, MIL is expecting a two day visit so a dog-free walk isn't possible from MIL's point of view

justaboutdonenow · 04/02/2024 22:34

Now she has started to make lots of passive aggressive comments about loving the dog more than her

TBH I love my dogs more than my inlaws, so she's got a point!

Seasaltsquall · 04/02/2024 22:37

There's no way I'd put up with her guilt tripping you over something that is essentially a family decision to own a dog. More fool her as she'll end up missing out on valuable family time.

sesquipedalian · 04/02/2024 22:46

For your MIL to feel so strongly, I can only think she must have some sort of dog phobia. Could you keep the dog in a room away from her if she came to visit? Would it be possible to ensure that their paths didn’t cross, and to let her know that you would be taking such steps? Otherwise, assuming you don’t want to cut yourself off from her completely, you are necessarily going to have to see her (without the dog) at her house. If she is adamant she won’t stay under any circs, I don’t entirely understand why she couldn’t stay in a B and B and meet you out of the house. See if you can get to the bottom of what the problem is with the dog - or ask your aunt, if your MIL speaks to her about it. There might well be more to it than her just not wanting you to have a dog.

pictoosh · 05/02/2024 05:18

Everyone is assuming a phobia, which it might well be. There's also the issue of control. It's a bold move to issue an ultimatum about the goings-on in another household 5 hours away. She's very confident that she should have a say.
That would annoy me, phobia or not.

Alwaysalwayscold · 05/02/2024 07:55

ColleenDonaghy · 04/02/2024 21:25

And yes, if you're not prepared to do that or to have him in kennels or with a sitter for a couple of days, then she's not being passive aggressive, she's absolutely right. The dog is more important to you than she is.

Fully agree with this.

Completely DISAGREE with this.

If MIL didn't like kids should people send their kids away whilst she visits?

ColleenDonaghy · 05/02/2024 08:04

Alwaysalwayscold · 05/02/2024 07:55

Completely DISAGREE with this.

If MIL didn't like kids should people send their kids away whilst she visits?

Show quote history

If MIL asked them to send their kids away for her visits, they wouldn't. Because the kids are more important to them than MIL.

You're making the same point.

Alwaysalwayscold · 05/02/2024 08:16

ColleenDonaghy · 05/02/2024 08:04

If MIL asked them to send their kids away for her visits, they wouldn't. Because the kids are more important to them than MIL.

You're making the same point.

Show quote history

No, the point is that guests have no right to dictate who or what is in a person's home.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/02/2024 08:19

Alwaysalwayscold · 05/02/2024 08:16

No, the point is that guests have no right to dictate who or what is in a person's home.

Show quote history

The point is that if they're not willing to put MIL before the dog, then the dog is more important to them than MIL. There literally making that choice, just as I wouldn't send my DC away for anyone because they're more important to me than anyone else. And if that's how they feel then fine, but I do think it's sad to value a dog (and a new dog at that) more than your own mother.

RancidOldHag · 05/02/2024 08:32

I note a poster above wrote that a Anyone who has a dog will know that they become 'part of the family'

A MIL is a part of the family - no inverted commas needed. DH's mother. What you will be when your DC marry. So put yourself in her shoes - can no longer visit DC/DGC at their home, DC/DGC won't visit her, and also won't meet her in their hometown outside their home (and other accommodation is available for you). Would you feel, really, that DC were being fair to you?

Dogs can be left.

I just don't get why they cannot meet her outside the house.

And unless there's a really exceptional reason why they cannot leave the premises (in which case, it's not exactly fair to get a dog in the first place), then refusing to meet MIL elsewhere is silly, and destructive of family relationships

(plus it's telling your DC that you can shun your parents idc - "oh, but I'd never do this" - well it doesn't have to be this - just anything your DC's future spouse decides can't be worked around)

Original poster
PetVsPIL · 05/02/2024 08:39

Thanks for all your replies. I’ll just to one big reply than replying individually. MIL staying at a hotel or B&B is what we suggested but I could tell she wasn’t happy with that and she wants us to remove the dog from the house while she stays. I’m quite sure she’s not phobic of dogs. We were on a small boat trip last year which had a couple of dogs on it and she was calm and relaxed for that trip.

I know we will have to leave him eventually, but it will have to be built up to. If MIL visits and stays in a hotel, of course we’d visit in a pub for lunch or go out for the day when I’m sure the dog is confident and capable of being left for a couple of hours. Our downstairs layout is an open plan kitten dining room and a sitting room. We can confine him to the open plan space, but that’s most of downstairs and she’d have to deal with him to get drinks. I’d rather have him in the open plan as that’s the space with hard floors! We will suggest that though. I wouldn’t keep him in a crate that long though.

I know there are alternatives to kennels, but our plan for holidays (and our weekends visiting her) is to ask friends and my family to care for him while we’re gone. I know it’s a big ask though so I don’t want to burn up favours where I don’t need to. I’ll price up a home from home dog care service and see what it’s like.

I feel like I’m finding an excuse for lots of workarounds but I think MIL is just doest’t like that we actually got a dog and is being difficult, trying to pull rank and almost wanting to test to see if she outranks the dog. I’m assuming this will blow over and by next year she’ll stay with us and the dog and even if we confine him to the open plan. I’ve stayed at houses with pets I’m allergic to, but wouldn’t dream of asking their owners to move the pets for me. I just ask that they don’t come into my bedroom. I really appreciate your replies. I’m still a bit caught between the feeling that a guest shouldn’t be telling me what do in my house, and my instinct that as a host I should accommodate my guest as well as possible.

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 05/02/2024 08:44

With that update, which explains that you will be happy to meet her outside your home, I would just offer that and stick to it.

I wouldn’t be faffing around trying to keep the dog away from her in an open plan house for hours.

If she doesn’t want to visit because a dog lives there, that’s her choice. Don’t pander to her.

KnittingKnewbie · 05/02/2024 08:45

pictoosh · 05/02/2024 05:18

Everyone is assuming a phobia, which it might well be. There's also the issue of control. It's a bold move to issue an ultimatum about the goings-on in another household 5 hours away. She's very confident that she should have a say.
That would annoy me, phobia or not.

This was my DM. She thought she should have a say in our household and had a tantrum when she was told she didn't

1990thatsme · 05/02/2024 08:46

Oh, and of course I love my dogs more than I love my MIL.

KnittingKnewbie · 05/02/2024 08:47

ColleenDonaghy · 05/02/2024 08:19

The point is that if they're not willing to put MIL before the dog, then the dog is more important to them than MIL. There literally making that choice, just as I wouldn't send my DC away for anyone because they're more important to me than anyone else. And if that's how they feel then fine, but I do think it's sad to value a dog (and a new dog at that) more than your own mother.

Show quote history

It's not that she can't - she won't drop dead if her path crosses a dog. She's choosing not to. That's quite different