Is the bar set too high if you're single?

[Drdoomish]

I read so many posts on MN telling women to set their bar higher. I often wonder if these posters who cry LTB are single or not.

I have friends in my life telling me i should ditch my current man, as my bar is apparently too low.

Editted to add that they think the bar is too low as he can ditch me last minute occasionally; neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on; he can be a bit grumpy at times; he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one; he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

These friends have been married 10yrs+. I listen to their whinges and whines about their husbands but apparently that doesn't mean their bar is too low.

I've had a 20yr marriage which ended because he cheated. The 3 significant relationships I've had since, my bar is/was too low on 2 of them according to MN/friends. The 3rd was too effusive in his affections and needed too much TLC, so I ended it.

I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with. I like messaging through the day with him. I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion. I prefer being with him to being single. I enjoy holidaying, going to the theatre, eating out by myself. But I enjoy them more with company. My very few single friends rarely want to join me. My multiple married friends always have plans at weekends. The things I do with the current guy, my friends wouldn't be up for joining me at.

And I love sex. A vibe is just not the same.

So, I choose to stick with my apparently low bar man until this magical man, aged 40-55, who meets all the high criteria society say I should look for comes along.

YABU- Respect yourself sister and stay single until that great man appears

YANBU - It's better to have a low bar partner to do things with than be single. Stop listening to the people in couples/single woman with little interest in living a full on social life

Need to know why your friends think he’s no good for you. Expect you’re omitting a fair bit of info here.

Otherwise, single is better than mediocre (source: two divorces)

If you're happy with him, and attracted to him, then that's what matters. There's no such thing as the perfect partner, anyone who meet is going to have little things that annoy you, just as you'll have little things about you that will annoy them.

What's you've missed here op, is that people are doing what they want to do. If your man makes you happier, then of course do that. If someone else prefers to be single and have a high bar, because that is what makes them happiest, that is their choice.

Apologies. Editted original post to add them in.

I thought OP was already too long... I've now made it longer!

Well, I suppose it depends what the issues are.

I mean, if he leaves skid marks on the bedsheets; thinks all housework is down to you; goes AWOL for days at a time and controls what you wear and where you go, that's completely different to he doesn't look like Chris Hemsworth; doesn't earn a 6 figure salary; listens to Staus Quo and can't cook very well (but does the washing up).

No one is perfect.

I'm single and have been for nearly 7 years.

My wish list is simple and no, I don't think my bar is too high. It is set at the level where anything below that, I would rather be single. I want someone who is...

• honest
• kind
• an equal partner in terms of effort (housework, cooking, gardening etc)
• will get on with my teen ds who will only be at home for 2 more years (and is very easy going)
• Is not controlling, a drunk, verbally or physically abusive or a freeloader.

I offer the same. I am quite prepared to wait 2 years if the teen ds is a deal breaker. It seems perfectly reasonable to me, so I'm happy to stay single if my list is too much to ask.

Hmm. Having read your now edited post, I'd carry on seeing him for the companionship, social aspects and sex but I wouldn't necessarily be seeing him as 'forever' and if someone less grumpy and negative came along...

OP - this line stood out: I prefer being with him to being single.

That says it all. Enjoy what you enjoy in that relationship and don't let others encourage drama in your life when you don't seek it. It doesn't have to last forever. If the balance tips so you would prefer to be single, you can be.

Again, even after your edit, this is ENTIRELY a personal choice. If he makes your life happier because of the nice things you list and despite the negatives you list than your life would be completely single, then obvo do that. It doesn't make any difference what anyone else would do.

As an aside I would say in one way dating a second time round at 40/50 is rather a lot nicer, because your life's don't get entangled together with kids/assets meaning you can walk away at any point. So if negative things don't bother you right at this current moment, then stay and leave when they do.

I mean he sounds a bit shit. But it's your life and you can spend it as you want

If you are just using him as companionship then that's fine, the problem in these situations comes when it's clear the man just isn't that interested and is doing just that, using the woman so he has someone around and the woman is in love. If you both want the same thing then its up to the two of you

I think it depends what you are actually looking for in that person to be honest. If you’re dating someone with the prospect of him becoming a true life partner, potentially a husband one day, then personally I’d say you’re setting yourself up for a very unhappy marriage/future if already this man ditches you last minute, is actually still legally married, is grumpy, doesn’t initiate plans and is negative. In the early days everything should be fun & easy, and I’d be telling my friend to set her bar higher if she was with a man like that as that’s not someone you’re going to live happily ever after with, the writing is already on the wall.

BUT if all you’re looking for in this man is a bit of company, sex and someone to go out with occasionally then I think whatever and you do you!

The only worry then is you may be too busy wasting time with him & lose out on meeting the man who would have been the whole package.

It just depends what you want out of life.

This current man isn’t “happily ever after” material, but he might be good enough for your boredom and loneliness right now- as long as you know the difference between the two then its your decision to make :)

Well, it's up to you, isn't it? If you're happy, and comfortable with the situation then all is fine.
It depends on what you're expecting. The red flag for me would be that he's actually still married.
That's not laziness. That's wanting to be still married. Whether that's because he won't split from his wife, or because it stops him having to commit to you, only you can know.

I find this and interesting question.

I am single and often wonder if my bar is too high. I look at my friends jumping from relationship to relationship and wonder how on earth they do it when I can’t find anyone I like.

Do they compromise on things I wouldn’t?

I would hate to be the one always initiating tbh - if this was happening early on I don’t think I’d have got very far with your man. The negativity thing would also be a major issue for me depending on how bad it is.

But I also am sick of being single. I want someone to go on holiday with and to spend my Sundays evenings with.

Sex isn’t an issue as I can find that casually very easily. But I do miss the companionship a relationship brings and I’m not getting any younger.

Maybe I should try settling slightly with the next half decent guy that comes along.

A man who isn't that bothered about seeing you so never makes an effort to initiate anything and can be grumpy and overly negative?
It doesn't sound like much fun.
And he isn't going to become less grumpy over time - more likely the other way

So I suppose the question is do you want to miss out on meeting someone who is actually excited to be going out with you because you are tied up with the grumpy man who doesn't care?

You don't need to wait for George Clooney but a man who is at least mildly excited about the prospect of seeing you and puts in at least some effort to planning to see you seems like not too high a bar.

Got it OP. It's all those pesky single women's fault. Waiting around for Peince Charming and unwilling to settle.

Or you could look at the statistics on relative health and happiness, which usually show single women and married men doing well but married/partnered women, not so much. So maybe it isn't a "lid for every pot" situation given the shittiness of many lids (or should that be pots?)

'It is set at the level where anything below that, I would rather be single. '

This. Absolutely this. Choose your own bar.

If ever I go on OLD I swipe left on everyone anyone I wouldn't prefer to be single than date. 'I'd rather be single' 'I'd rather be single' as i swipe. Because i would. And others can make their own personal choice too if they would or not.

I have no bar. I'm single because I prefer it to being in a relationship so can't vote either way.

For those posting "you could miss the right man because you're currently with him", can you explain that one to me?

I don't do OLD. I won't do OLD. If someone I like comes into my life, I'll weigh up then if it's worth ditching the current guy for them.

We've been together 2 years. This is how things are now. They weren't like that at the beginning. We don't live together due to families and have no intention to.

Just do what suits you? OP is a bit waffley tbh.

Snap.

Thank you for your feedback. I agree with you about the waffly OP!

Well it’s your mindset and circumstances isn’t it? You don’t look at other men/people the same way when you are in a relationship as you do when you are single. And “someone you might like” often wouldn’t put themselves into your path if you are not single, nor would you necessarily see them that way if they did.

As an example, I’m married and one of my best friends is single, when we recently went out together for dinner & drinks there were a few times men came up to chat to us and afterwards genuinely all I could really say about them was that they looked nice or were polite🤣 whereas my friend as a single woman was looking at them very differently and in a lot more depth, I couldn’t even have told you what drink they had in their hand! That’s because for me it was just random men chatting to us in a bar, for my friend that was a potential love interest.

Similarly if I was single and fancied a man say at work or just someone I know, if I know they have a girlfriend or partner I’m absolutely not going to reach out to them, ask them on a date, flirt etc. They would never be any the wiser that I fancy them and so you would miss out on meeting those people who might be your Mr Perfect because they just assume you’re perfectly happy where you are (and frankly any man that would pursue you knowing you have a boyfriend would be a major red flag anyway because if he’s okay with crossing the line of cheating to be with you, it’s only a matter of time before he does it to you).

It actually did happen to another of my best friends, she had settled into an “okay just better than single” situation, she was with that man for nearly 4 years and when she split with him was then single for awhile, eventually a man she had worked with for 5 years asked her out and as it transpired he had fancied her all along but obviously never crossed the line because she had a partner!

I have been single for 7 years and haven’t had sex in 7 years, I don’t get time to date as I’m a lone parent and I will add I’m 35 not 50+ yet any time I even speak about meeting someone I’m told to concentrate on my kids clearly by people who are in relationships! I agree the people mainly screaming to LTB aren’t single

I never did OLD. Met OH through a mutual friend in the end, bit it was pure luck.

It's that the better person is unlikely to turn up when you are spending time Grumpy Boyfriend.

If you are at a social event with Grumpy BF the better single men are unlikely to engage much with you if you are there with a partner and I assume you are also going to spend less time and effort talking to them if GBF is standing there.

You spend less time going out with friends or trying new activities alone because you have GBF to sit next to on the sofa instead.

The opportunity for you to meet someone better is lessened because you are spending time with GBF. You are also less likely to make new female friends who might be much more fun to spend time with than GBF because you aren't trying as much to get out and meet new people.

If that is good enough for you, then great. It's your life and you should make the decisions that are best for you, not what your friends think.

But what's the end goal? He isn't going to start making more of an effort or being less grumpy. At what point does the scale tip and spending time with him is less fun than not?