Is the bar set too high if you're single?

[Drdoomish]

I read so many posts on MN telling women to set their bar higher. I often wonder if these posters who cry LTB are single or not.

I have friends in my life telling me i should ditch my current man, as my bar is apparently too low.

Editted to add that they think the bar is too low as he can ditch me last minute occasionally; neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on; he can be a bit grumpy at times; he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one; he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

These friends have been married 10yrs+. I listen to their whinges and whines about their husbands but apparently that doesn't mean their bar is too low.

I've had a 20yr marriage which ended because he cheated. The 3 significant relationships I've had since, my bar is/was too low on 2 of them according to MN/friends. The 3rd was too effusive in his affections and needed too much TLC, so I ended it.

I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with. I like messaging through the day with him. I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion. I prefer being with him to being single. I enjoy holidaying, going to the theatre, eating out by myself. But I enjoy them more with company. My very few single friends rarely want to join me. My multiple married friends always have plans at weekends. The things I do with the current guy, my friends wouldn't be up for joining me at.

And I love sex. A vibe is just not the same.

So, I choose to stick with my apparently low bar man until this magical man, aged 40-55, who meets all the high criteria society say I should look for comes along.

YABU- Respect yourself sister and stay single until that great man appears

YANBU - It's better to have a low bar partner to do things with than be single. Stop listening to the people in couples/single woman with little interest in living a full on social life

Going to add to this based on your edit - the lack of divorce, ditching at last minute and not initiating meeting up would be red flags to me.

I honestly don’t know the answer. I ditched my low bar, cocklodger man. And I know he’d have me back in a heartbeat. But by Christ the pickings out on dating apps and the like are absolutely shite.

I think most of the decent men are snapped up early on, and all that is in the dating pool later on is crap that we are all recycling.

Me too ladies. Single rocks.

Why are you exclusive?

If he doesn't sound that enthusiastic (but kind of brings things to your life) you could see him but keep the door open for meeting others.

He doesn't sound like he'd really care if you just saw him as someone you dated/friend with sex arrangement. So there's no reason to categorise him as a "boyfriend". He does sound like good FWB material.

Put yourself first. Men do.

It does sound like your clutching at straws, but maybe because you've only listed his negative behaviours. For me personally having a man so l don't spend sundays, holidays alone wouldn't cut it. I would rather stay as l am and accept those lonely feelings that come and go, than have to overlook a ton of other stuff.
Are you selling yourself short as friends have suggested?
Only you know that.

Bases on your post, he wouldn't be for me. Can't be arsed divorcing, grumpy, cancelling and you make the most of the effort.

I would want a more.

A lot of people told me my bar was too high for years.

It wasn't anything major-

1. Kind & Respectful
2. Relaxed with a good sense of humour
3. Treated me as equal
4. Intelligent or good common sense
5. Stable with a good sense of who he is and what's important to him
6. No addictions
7. Attractive* & good sexual compatibility

*I don't mean good looking in a general sense & by society's standards- I just asked to fancy him like crazy.

Anyway, at 37, I found him.

I didn't want anything less and was prepared to be single rather than accept someone I wouldn't be happy with.

If you are genuinely happy and feel respected, then crack on but friends tend to only want the best for each other so perhaps they have a point.

I think since you are being cold blooded about it YANBU. You like sex and prefer grumpy negative company to no company, and I get the feeling that if he became a burden or you met a better guy, the current guy would be history.

I was encouraged to LTB by the relationships section many years ago. In the event, he left me.

I have met precisely nobody, despite actively trying. I often wonder when I see posts saying raise your bar, are the posters suggesting this single. Sometimes the behaviour described is very poor and any sensible person would not want to put up with it. Sometimes it seems to be quite trivial, unless it is part of a larger pattern that the person hasn't mentioned.

It wouldn't be realistic for somebody like me to raise my bar because I can't attract anyone at all!

I think it might be more realistic to advise posters, yes, LTB but be aware that you may well spend the rest of your life alone.

I love it when the replies just say 'Next!' . I can't imagine a world where there would be another chap coming along in a minute.

Then there are the people who wouldn't entertain another relationship because they are happy being alone. That's great, but sometimes it makes you feel defective for wanting any kind of relationship ever at all. As though if you had done enough work on yourself you wouldn't have any truck all this dating lark.

Just sign up for things like hinge or bumble if you are thing of LTB and see the absolute dregs that are actually out there. It is fucking abysmal

Yabu
How could being with a low bar shabby behavior man ever be better than being without a low bar shabby man

This is a very good idea. I (laughably) would not have done this while I was married but it would have given me a glimpse of what was to come.

Every one of those zero effort men on apps has better options than me available to them. They are all out of my league. That's quite the wake up call.

Ps I agree that assurances that you'll meet somebody else aren't necessarily true, and shouldn't be the carrot women need to be persuaded to end a relationship with a low bar man.

But I put up with nothing now, sexism, misogyny, laziness, entitlement, porn, srx pesting, arrogance, meanness, drinking too much.... just nothing!! I'm single and it's better than being with a shit man.

I think if you settle for a shit man because you truly believe it's better than being single then you need a sense of YOUR SELF more than you need a man.

So yeh, still going to type LTB when I read what some poor woman is putting up with.

If you dumped a previous chap for being effusive and needy, I'd say that the more casual approach of this one is better suited to your preference.

It's an interesting discussion, I don't think there's a right or wrong necessarily.

Personally I would rather be single than with a man who's not quite right but that was learned through much trial and error. The world is set up for couples but you have to decide how much that bothers you.

If sex is the main reason why you like being in a relationship, then why not just have a FWB situation?
Then you have the best of both worlds.

I could never be with a man I wasn’t fully interested in.

If you’re thinking someone better may come along, then you’re with the wrong guy.

So if I was you, my bar would be set a lot higher but you are not me and if you’re happy with setting your bar lower then that’s all that matters.

I disagree with some of this.

My exh and I were separated for 10 years before we got divorved. Neither of us wanted to still be married but neither of us were particularly arsed about getting divorced. We divorced when he wanted to remarry.

I'm another person who would much prefer to be single then settle. And I have been single for a long time. When you find your self esteem and self worth, it is incredibly difficult to lower your bar as you are just content with being single.

I mean the man you've got doesn't sound great tbh but if you're happy then fine.
Personally DH is far from perfect and tbh if we split I actually could not be less arsed to replace him purely as I wouldn't put up with any shit again and I firmly believe the man that is the high bar does not exist.
Pretty certain I wouldn't be without sex, doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship.

I agree it's an interesting discussion and a very real problem finding a partner. Is this it? Are those the choices? Shit man or no man.

it seems that it is for about half of us! High status women, good looking, qualified, who had good boundaries when they were young they got the men who were capable being faithful, hardworking, and kind.

The one thing that might force men to up their lazy/cheating/entitled/bad tempered game [insert or delete as applicable or leave them all] would be if they were all dumped a lot quicker for less.

he can ditch me last minute occasionally; neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on; he can be a bit grumpy at times; he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one; he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

That wouldn’t be a good enough relationship for me and you’re unlikely to meet anyone better when you’re in a relationship as you’re not looking/dating.

It’s up to you if you want to settle though, I think your bar is low and I find it sad, but it’s your life.

Interesting, just listening to David mcwilliams podcast and they're surveyed a large number of people and one question "women seek to gain power by controlling men" and few older men agreed, almost no women but a percentage of younger men "agree strongly" and every few years they repat the test which shows women are getting less sexist but men are getting more sexist.

So there is just a huge incompatibility. A huge disconnect.

Women want men who aren't sexist and there is a shortage of these men which is growing not abating.

And from men's pov, not sure, what do they want? A woman who'll enable their entertainment to have an eye out elsewhere, who won't pressure them to do half of the house work / childcare.

Women are exasperated and men won't change.

I’m single and looking. What strikes me is the number of men I come across who want to retire early, or have a cottage with some land (probably my demographic), but earn 40k a year and have absolutely no hope of realising that dream. They all seem to look to my life as I have home with the land that they have put on the dating profile as the dream… I always wonder what the main attraction is.

I'm single, yes. I've been single for 15 years and would rather be that way than lower my standards and settle.

Oh and I have a very full on social life, because I have friends that do things with me and I don't rely on a partner for that.

This is so true. Plenty of "male fortune hunters" out there.

OP seems to be fine with her FWB/boyfriend person keeping separate lives

and I agree if this suits her just stick to it, it doesn't seem to cause much drama and upset to her and she doesn't seem like she'd be that stressed if either moved on.

So many guys in this age range seem very "keen" and "emotionally available", but they're desperately looking to find someone to subsidise their children or failing business, or give them a home, or be a Nurse-with-a-Purse.

Or looking to recoup the fallout from a messy divorce.

If your goal isn't to practically blend lives (which isn't for many women, especially if you've got your own finances and retirement mapped out) then someone who is Mr Perfect personality wise may be very detrimental.