Is the bar set too high if you're single?

[Drdoomish]

I read so many posts on MN telling women to set their bar higher. I often wonder if these posters who cry LTB are single or not.

I have friends in my life telling me i should ditch my current man, as my bar is apparently too low.

Editted to add that they think the bar is too low as he can ditch me last minute occasionally; neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on; he can be a bit grumpy at times; he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one; he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

These friends have been married 10yrs+. I listen to their whinges and whines about their husbands but apparently that doesn't mean their bar is too low.

I've had a 20yr marriage which ended because he cheated. The 3 significant relationships I've had since, my bar is/was too low on 2 of them according to MN/friends. The 3rd was too effusive in his affections and needed too much TLC, so I ended it.

I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with. I like messaging through the day with him. I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion. I prefer being with him to being single. I enjoy holidaying, going to the theatre, eating out by myself. But I enjoy them more with company. My very few single friends rarely want to join me. My multiple married friends always have plans at weekends. The things I do with the current guy, my friends wouldn't be up for joining me at.

And I love sex. A vibe is just not the same.

So, I choose to stick with my apparently low bar man until this magical man, aged 40-55, who meets all the high criteria society say I should look for comes along.

YABU- Respect yourself sister and stay single until that great man appears

YANBU - It's better to have a low bar partner to do things with than be single. Stop listening to the people in couples/single woman with little interest in living a full on social life

To be fair, it's harder if you want sex but aren't keen on casual sex, but again, that's part of different people, different boundaries. And slso why Ann Summers and LoveHoney exist.

It's not sad at all @Devilshands Cheer up!

There's a huge difference between needs and wants, wouldn't you agree?

I don't need him in my life. I want and enjoy chit chatting with someone through my day. I want and enjoy downloading to him about my days and my life and enjoy him talking about his. I enjoy this on a daily basis.

I want and enjoy affectionate cuddles. I too can orgasm alone, but it's so so so much more fun with two. If you disagree with that, you need to find a more skilled partner than you've previously experienced!

That’s fair enough - different strokes for different folks and all that.

in your shoes, I’d consider a FWB/more no strings arrangement with your man as more beneficial to me than a proper relationship. What would bother me the most would not even be the non divorce, it would be never initiating a meet up. It tells me he’s going to walk away anytime now. So I’d treat the arrangement in the same way. And keep my life otherwise as full and fun as possible, with other people, friends, interests, and the door wide open for other interesting men.

I suggested they go with each other, but it's not happened.

I've been on a couple of holidays with a couple of them. It made me frustrated as they were keen to enjoy the holiday but less keen to contribute to the organisation of them.

@Drdoomish in answer to your question why does every relationship have to go somewhere, it doesn't. Only an issue if you're looking for one that does!

I think lots of women (especially perhaps those who don't want children or perhaps have grown up children) are looking for lots of different types and levels of relationship. If you're not looking for a father and provider for your kids the options for a good relationship broaden out a lot and also there is no real need for long term relationships unless that's what you want.

Sounds like you're content, you do you!

If you don't want to blend lives and your personality feels overwhelmed if the guy is too effusive, then stick with what works.

I'd say keep your dating life to yourself if you don't want your female friends offering unsolicited advice and concern trolling.

If you're regularly offloading in detail about any problems you're having, then maybe they feel they should offer opinions.

My life became a lot more peaceful when I got more private.

(people are welcome to discuss what they think I should do with my life, far away from me, when I'm not there. Bliss).

Unless they have Mr Wonderful or other eligible bachelors tucked away to set up with you (let's face it, they'd probably dump their husbands and claim them themselves if they did meet any) I'd ignore them.

The bar is different for everyone.

You said “I prefer being with him to being single”, and therefore that’s all that matters. If that feeling changes, then it’s time to rethink. Your friends need to be supportive as long as you’re overall happier with him than without.

I’m single and I’d say my “bar” is pretty high, but that’s because I’m very happy with my life the way it is, so it would take someone exceptional for me to want to change it! We’re all different and have different priorities.

Yes, the bar is all over the place, some people are genuinely happy doing everything at home/with the children so long as their H listens, is affectionate and generous. Lot of our parents would have considered that a good marriage so its legacy continues.

Some women put up with a lot of demands in the bedroom from porn-soaked men, and still end up feeling like they have to work hard not to be dumped/cheated on.

Some other women think nothing of getting up at 6am with the kids every sat and sunday for 15 years because their H ''works all week'' and / or is sleeping off a hangover.

Some women think porn is ''no big deal''.

Some women just accept that childcare and housework falls to them because their H earns more. Some women accept that the BIG decisions are made by their H because he earns more money so .... Some women earn more money and their H feels emasculated and cheats on them!

Some women think, oh he's just grumpy, my father was grumpy too! you just have to catch him in the right mood!

My bar is stratospheric because I love my single life so much that I don’t believe anyone will ever make me change my mind.

As other posters have said, different priorities. Which is fine.

It's OK to set a high bar. Just as long as you remember in that event you have to be able to clear a high bar yourself in order to get a relationship. If you are indifferent to having a relationship then fine you can wait forever for Mr/Ms Perfect.

For the rest of us mere mortals who offer a somewhat lower bar and want to settle down someday, then compromises have to be made and priorities set.

Always remember the answer to the often posed question "where are all the decent men/women?"

The answer is of course, "with all the decent women/men".

@GasPanic I'm entirely happy with someone not choosing me if I won’t improve their life, just as I won’t choose them if they won’t improve mine. I’m not waiting for anyone, perfect or otherwise. I’m getting on with my life.

So are you happy with this guy or not?. If you are then surely it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

And LTB tends to be directed at situations that sound genuinely shit. It’s not bitter singles wishing they had a shit relationship of their own.

I think it depends on how you feel about being single. Personally I really like it. But other people don't and that will inform where they set the 'bar'.

I do think that some people who say 'your bar is set too high' are not 100% happy in their own relationship and that is partly why they say it.

If you like your current man, great. It's not a 'bar' issue, it's an issue of personal preference. I don't think I could be doing with a relationship where I had to make all the running, it'd make me resentful. But I guess it means you can choose what to see at the theatre and what trips to take, so that's a definite upside!