Is the bar set too high if you're single?

[Drdoomish]

I read so many posts on MN telling women to set their bar higher. I often wonder if these posters who cry LTB are single or not.

I have friends in my life telling me i should ditch my current man, as my bar is apparently too low.

Editted to add that they think the bar is too low as he can ditch me last minute occasionally; neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on; he can be a bit grumpy at times; he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one; he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

These friends have been married 10yrs+. I listen to their whinges and whines about their husbands but apparently that doesn't mean their bar is too low.

I've had a 20yr marriage which ended because he cheated. The 3 significant relationships I've had since, my bar is/was too low on 2 of them according to MN/friends. The 3rd was too effusive in his affections and needed too much TLC, so I ended it.

I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with. I like messaging through the day with him. I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion. I prefer being with him to being single. I enjoy holidaying, going to the theatre, eating out by myself. But I enjoy them more with company. My very few single friends rarely want to join me. My multiple married friends always have plans at weekends. The things I do with the current guy, my friends wouldn't be up for joining me at.

And I love sex. A vibe is just not the same.

So, I choose to stick with my apparently low bar man until this magical man, aged 40-55, who meets all the high criteria society say I should look for comes along.

YABU- Respect yourself sister and stay single until that great man appears

YANBU - It's better to have a low bar partner to do things with than be single. Stop listening to the people in couples/single woman with little interest in living a full on social life

Everyone has to make their own choices on what works for them. My bar is extremely high and if it means I stay single forever then that’s fine by me. I had one disastrous marriage and the damage it did will take years to recover from, I am in no rush to repeat the same mistakes twice!

I don’t think you’re being fair to him saying you’re going to ditch him when someone better comes along. He’s either good enough or he isn’t.

Does he genuinely want the best for you?
And does he make your life happier overall?

I think you've summed it up well @SantaBarbaraMonica

All this crap about bars being too low gets on my nerves. I wouldn't put up with the rubbish my friends do from their husbands. I see their husbands beating them down and making their life drudgery. And they have the gall to tell me my bar is too low!

I hear my single friends tell me how much they admire my going on holiday alone or going to the theatre by myself. They couldn't do it themselves and want someone to go do things with. But keep their bars ridiculously high!

The day he stops adding to my wonderful life is the day he goes.

Why does every relationship need to "go somewhere"?

It sounds like you’re after a companion and he mostly fits the bill in your mind.

If you were my friend, I wouldn’t be advising you to do anything. You’re a grown woman.

But I’d personally find being ditched last minute and always having to initiate meeting a complete turn-off, and I would privately worry that my friend was letting disrespectful behaviour fly out of desperation to have ‘someone’.

I’ve been married 20-odd years. My DH pisses me off sometimes and there are habits he has that sometimes irk me. But he treats me with respect and like I’m an important person to him, and that is the bar I set.

I love this post OP, it's very very very true. Spending time with another person is nice. Maybe he isn't the love of your life but you're enjoying what the relationship offers so keep going!

I remember my very first post on MN, I had not been a lurker before. I was asking some advice about logistics around stepkids, drop off etc. I was finding the setup challenging. The replies astounded me. People telling me to leave my partner (I was pregnant) and one maniac stating as fact that when I left I could expect another woman to be in situ weeks later. Apparently I was still young enough to meet someone and have more kids. This was based on absolutely nothing behind some frustration toward the lack of concrete arrangements between him and ex.

Really really demented attitude to men and finding this mythical creature - where I don't know as based on this forum they all belong in the gutter.

I don't think that's what she's saying though. She's countering the claim that she will miss out on Mr Wonderful if she stays with him. Being single wouldn't throw her into the path of other men as she's not going to online date regardless.

I met DP on OLD after the 2 LTRs I had (with men I met offline) were terrible - one was outright abusive (should be in prison level) and the other used me for his midlife crisis. I was young and stupid.

the men around me offline were not good prospects and/or were not available. Had my share of terrible dates or short term relationships that were time sinks but ultimately helped me see what I actually wanted in my life - and this was the key. DP is great. Great person, great man, friend, father, partner. I’ve actually twice written threads about him when we had difficulties and it was a resounding “do not leave him”.

anyway - I’m saying this to tell you that OLD isn’t all shit. It took some time to get used to it but it worked. I know of a few other happy couples who met on OLD. 2 of them are friends of mine who I persuaded to give it a shot, who were very against it.

I don’t know how it is nowadays as met DP 5 years ago - the OLD I used was OKCupid (what a stupid name but, hey)

It’s easy to be flippant when it’s someone else’s life and you’re anonymous. Sometimes I think some shouting LTB wish they had the courage to LTB themselves, but don’t, so are trying to live vicariously on MN

If your friends are offering unsolicited advice about your choices that’s crap. Similarly crap if you/they are constantly moaning about their situations then getting cross if people express opinions.

I'm glad OLD worked for you @Changeusernameseeusernamehistory

It's really not me. I find personalities attractive, not looks. The profiles can't convey personality easily.

Have these single friends suggested going on holiday with you, or each other?? It’s what I would do!

It's completely up to you! You set your own bar. Unless you've missed out something major or are being willfully ignorant about something (eg he's still seeing his ex), then he doesn't sound perfect but he doesn't sound awful either. If you like him enough to put up with his imperfections that's your decision. My dh isn't perfect and God knows I'm not either. I'm not planning to divorce him over something minor and hope he isn't either.

A good friend of mine has a very high bar which used to be all about how good looking and well educated someone was. She'd dump guys because they had the wrong hair colour for example or because they didn't have an impressive job.

Now she's late thirties and wants to start a family. She is itching to dump her current fella because things aren't progressing quickly enough (they've only been dating a few months). I keep telling her to give him a chance as she actually likes him a lot. She shouldn't throw him away because she thinks some high flying, well paid, absolute stunner who wants to have babies immediately might randomly show up!

So yes, I think sometimes your bar can be too high!

Single and happy is better than being with a really crap partner though. But dumping someone you really like because they aren't perfect and you think someone better might be around the corner is not what I'd do.

There are some people who seem to need to be partnered at all costs, it sounds like you are one of those.

For me, I want to be happy, comfortable, and confident in myself and if a man adds to that then great. That's why for some of us the bar is 'high'

Reductive? Yes. Backed up by research and Biology? Also yes.

Many people are quite happy with gender roles, and it doesn't have to be for you.

I enjoy being a housewife. My house is spotless and I love cooking fresh meals each day. He works all week out of the house and I do the chores inside of the house. That means when weekends come along we have the whole time to enjoy ourselves with the kids, rather than spending it trying to catch up on housework like most couples have to when both are employed.

Not my biology. Sounds like hell. You crack on but don't presume to speak for other women.

Yanbu Op

He sounds like a Mr Right Now as opposed to Mr Right. You may tire of him in a few years and that's OK. You aren't stringing him along during his fertile years until someone else comes along. All of this is absolutely a-okay in my book.

Life isn't some big romantic fairytale. You are happy, you seem like you have your independence while he satisfies a good proportion of your needs. That sounds like a pretty good bar to aim at, provided you aren't complining about him to your friends.

Status Quo are awesome

@Magmaflow

Yes, Science says "stay at home, little woman". 🙄( It doesn't, but I don't have the energy to argue with Evopsych idiocy.)

Until you get dumped and shafted, of course, as thousands are every year....

History says women have almost always majority worked. Listen to History.

I'm not speaking for other women, just pointing out the explanations as to why in general women are more bothered about a potential partners income than men are.

It might sound like Hell to you, but being a corporate slave was genuine Hell for me.

My day is based on what I want to do, in what order I want to do it, I don't answer to anyone, I don't have to spend half my life with colleagues I can barely tolerate, getting home to cook a 'quick' meal, just waiting for the weekend to come and then spending that with us both cleaning a shithole house, washing mountains of laundry and finally sitting down to watch trash TV because we are too exhausted to do anything else.

No Science doesn't say stay at home little woman...... I never suggested it did. I simply pointed out why more women choose to stay home over men. Don't get mad at me, get mad at reality.

I prefer him to being single.

I think that’s really sad, OP. Honestly, one of the saddest things I’ve read.

A couple should be able to work without either side feeling like they’re giving up a piece of themselves. Without viewing at a convenience because you don’t want to be alone.

I view it as this:

I don’t need a man for a child.
I don’t need a man to buy a house.
I don’t need a man to make me happy.
I don’t need a man for companionship.
I don’t need a man to help me do all the things I want to do.
I don’t need a man for financial stability or security.
I don’t need a man for an orgasm.

If a man comes along who adds to my life, then he will be the right man. Ultimately, I want to be with someone because he is the right person - not a convenient choice to achieve things and do things I’m too scared or unable to do alone.

OP - this line stood out: I prefer being with him to being single.

That says it all.

Does it though? The Relationships board is often fairly full of women who stay with demonstrably awful and even abusive men because they don't want to be single. I'm not suggesting the OP is in that situation, but 'better than being single' isn't necessarily always a good decision imo.

The main thing I miss without a partner is good sex, and there's plenty of that available online. I am happy going to the theatre or on holiday alone. I've been on holiday with friends, too. I go out and do things with friends. There are a lot of good relationships and other things already in my life, and I'm not screwing that up for a man - if he's going to be in a relationship with me, he needs to enhance my life, not be a drain. If that means the bar is high, so be it.

Yep. And as a woman, it's not exactly hard to find a casual sex partner if you want.