Is the bar set too high if you're single?

[Drdoomish]

I read so many posts on MN telling women to set their bar higher. I often wonder if these posters who cry LTB are single or not.

I have friends in my life telling me i should ditch my current man, as my bar is apparently too low.

Editted to add that they think the bar is too low as he can ditch me last minute occasionally; neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on; he can be a bit grumpy at times; he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one; he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

These friends have been married 10yrs+. I listen to their whinges and whines about their husbands but apparently that doesn't mean their bar is too low.

I've had a 20yr marriage which ended because he cheated. The 3 significant relationships I've had since, my bar is/was too low on 2 of them according to MN/friends. The 3rd was too effusive in his affections and needed too much TLC, so I ended it.

I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with. I like messaging through the day with him. I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion. I prefer being with him to being single. I enjoy holidaying, going to the theatre, eating out by myself. But I enjoy them more with company. My very few single friends rarely want to join me. My multiple married friends always have plans at weekends. The things I do with the current guy, my friends wouldn't be up for joining me at.

And I love sex. A vibe is just not the same.

So, I choose to stick with my apparently low bar man until this magical man, aged 40-55, who meets all the high criteria society say I should look for comes along.

YABU- Respect yourself sister and stay single until that great man appears

YANBU - It's better to have a low bar partner to do things with than be single. Stop listening to the people in couples/single woman with little interest in living a full on social life

I dont have a bar i built a wall no man will climb or beat down.
I love single life to much to have a man.
Each to there own.
Only have to read MN lets me no how lucky i am to be single.

Relationships are a prison to me lol.

To some the bar is drives and expensive car and wears a non fake rolex to others the bar is being a mature normal grown up who doesn't act like they are 16

So it depends but no matter what the bar is it would have to match the other in the relationship

Genuine question...
A number of women on another thread have said they were only interested in a man if he was going the be the sole provider financially.
I wonder how true this is is for other women?
Nothing would Red Flag for me more if a man said this was what he wanted, but each to their own I guess.

To be honest the tales of abuse here are desperately sad and have turned me off men. Not sure if it's healthy.

Does he genuinely want the best for you?
And does he make your life happier overall?

If the answer is yes to the two above, then crack on through the negative points. If not, you really should evaluate. The problem is that the bar IS far too low for many many women. Women are vulnerable to all sorts of abuse, obvious and not so obvious. Society expects us to be the maids and enablers of men so while they know how to pretend they dont think like that, a huge majority of men actually do. So we all need to be very very careful who we let into our lives.

Yep. Sex is available without a relationship anyway. I prefer FWB and my space.

Same here.

he can ditch me last minute occasionally;
neither he nor his ex wife can be arsed to complete their divorce paperwork 5 years on;
He can be a bit grumpy at times;
he can put a negative spin on things sometimes where there isn't one;
he doesn't really initiate us seeing each other, it's mostly me doing that.

I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with.
I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion.
I prefer being with him to being single.

Op you sound scared to be single so you choose to hitch your wagon to someone that
ditches you - because you're not that important to him.
Hasn't finished divorce - because you're not that important to him.
Is a grumpy arse, even though you don't seem daily he can't pull his head out his arse for when you are with him - because you're not that important to him.
Is a negative joy sucker - because you're happiness isn't that important to him.. let's just assume the negative spin is put on things that he's not excited about doing... So it'll be your stuff he's negative about..

Oh and he doesn't initiate seeing you... Say it with me now.. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO HIM

Maybe you tolerate not being his priority hoping that one day you will be and because you're scared of being alone, that's up to you, but I think if you're honest with yourself, you know damn well that this relationship isn't a partnership.

i wouldn't put up with it. My life is 8/10, any partner would have to add to my life in a very significant way or they wouldn't be my partner.

What often gets lost is that the "bar" isn't the same for everyone (aside from extreme objectively awful traits/behaviour). One woman's bar may involve romance and flowers; another woman might not be bothered. One woman might not care about grumpiness, as she can be grumpy too. Another woman might need positive energy.

One's own personal bar should be as high as possible - if something's intolerable to you, honour yourself by considering it a dealbreaker. But you don't need other people telling you what your dealbreakers should be, if they're actually just normal human flaws you can live with.

OP sounds very clear-sighted about her partner, his flaws but also his good sides, and where this leaves her going forward - so I say crack on.

Personally I wouldn't care that he can be negative and grumpy as God knows I can be as well. Last-minute ditching is understandable depending on circumstances sometimes, but I wouldn't like it as a pattern. Ditto not initiating contact. But the last two are nothing that can't be resolved with a firm conversation.

I'm not a mediocre woman (are any women? Doubtful), I'm not settling for a mediocre man (are any men not? Doubtful)

Yanbu. Often when single or divorced, especially as a single mum, people feel entitled to make all sorts of comments. It's as if your singledom makes you some sort of failure who needs to be advised by married folks (not true).

As long as you're happy, stay with him. If you decide you want something different, move on.

'I'm sticking with the current guy, as I like having someone to do things with. I like messaging through the day with him. I tolerate the annoyances, because he's a good companion. I prefer being with him to being single. I enjoy holidaying, going to the theatre, eating out by myself. But I enjoy them more with company. My very few single friends rarely want to join me. My multiple married friends always have plans at weekends. The things I do with the current guy, my friends wouldn't be up for joining me at.'

Personally I'd rather be single than settle for someone I am not invested in just so I have a 'companion'. It's clear you are waiting for a better offer to along so you can drop him like a hot potato. That is really quite callous and comes across as using behaviour. Imagine being on the receiving end. Even the language of 'current guy' is off.

You’re asking people to explain why being in a relationship makes it more difficult to meet others with whom you could have a better relationship? It seems obvious.

your list of his ‘flaws’ is vague. Even you’re only hoping for a short term relationship he’s not offering you much: not initiating meeting up; standing you up; grumpy and negative.

His behaviour suggests he is likely to hurt you: it’ll hurt more the more time you’ve spent with and feelings you have developed for him.

Up to you if you prefer what he is offering and the risk of being hurt by him to being single, spending your time and energy on other things, and having far more opportunities with others.

But that's my point, really. When your ex met someone he wanted to marry, you got divorced.

I don't like either of your choices. Single. Have been for 26 years. I'm not waiting for a man, great or otherwise. I like myself, my own company, my friends. If a great man came along I wouldn't immediately block him, but he'd have to add something to my (pretty great) life. I don't want 'a man', I want to keep making my life better.

The reason so many women see being a good provider as a must is because if they should choose to have kids, it is most likely the woman who will become more financially reliant on the man for a period of time, what with maternity leave and the likelihood of dropping to PT hours, or wanting to be a SAHM. Having a financially reliable man who you can confidently depend on gives you options on how you would like to parent in ways a poorer man can't, as most homes need 2 wages coming in to get by these days. Struggling is miserable so of course women aren't going to actively seek a low earner.

Men are generally not bothered about what a woman earns, so it would be a red flag for sure if a man wanted to rely on a woman because they aren't the ones carrying, birthing, breastfeeding and needing to recover from birth. There are huge differences between what characteristics and attributes are considered desirable amongst men and women. There have been many studies on this, put simply men judge women for looks and women judge men on success and status.

I like the way you think you're in control. It doesn't sound as if he can be bothered with you in general unless you do the running. He could ditch you without a backwards glance if something better came along. You would be single without your say so.

You're his 'for now' girl.

You'll wish you'd set your bar higher when he ditches you for a woman he really wants.

People ditch people without a backwards glance even if they seem like they're totally committed. If you enter into a relationship that's the risk you run. OP sounds like she's assessed the situation with more clarity than most people, really.

Did you hear a wooshing sound?

How reductive. And people wonder why we can't break out of gender stereotypes.

I imagine you also want a man who pulls his weight around the house and who isn't a workaholic, though?

Personally I ran a mile from any man who based their self-worth on being "a good provider" because in my experience, if someone buys into one aspect of traditional gender roles then they buy into it all. The logical corollary of a man being a good provider is that a woman has to be a good little domestic wife. Not for me.

If I have to spell it out further: she sounds exactly as committed to him as he does to her. And the casual thing they have is working for them both for the moment. She doesn't sound like she's deluding herself about it, but enjoying it for what it is.

You seem to be in this man's good enough for now category and he seems to be in the same category for you?

It's clearly not going anywhere as a relationship and he doesn't seem to respect or value you particularly highly so I get why your friends aren't impressed.

It’s nice to have company to do things, but with a lot of ‘eggs in one basket’ of a short term option it’ll likely be worse than square one when over in terms of your friendships, social options for the weekend etc.