21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

Haven’t read the whole thread

There is a big middle ground between “leave them to it” and “help out however you can”. Basically - be there as a sounding board but nudge your DD into thinking about this stuff herself rather than you doing the research and presenting solutions.

So for starters I would be encouraging her to sit down and work out a weekly budget. What does she think she needs week to week to feed house and clothe herself and baby and where will that come from? Get her to look up benefits, not you. If she is intending to continue working - who is going to look after baby while she/boyfriend are working - can they always organise shifts around each other (doubt it)? How does she plan to feed the baby and if BF is that compatible with working? If FF that is another expense.

Things she currently enjoys doing - ask her how she thinks those will fit in, who is going to look after the baby if she wants to do some exercise or see friends or get a haircut.

She will hopefully realise for herself how difficult life is going to be. If she still wants to go ahead then so be it but at least it might be less of a shock.

just to add., the OPs question is not around asking whether she should convince her daughter to terminate the pregnancy

you lot need to get a grip. This isn’t a thread asking for help on decisions whether to keep the baby or not

Is it sensible for a very young woman to have a baby that they cannot afford financially? Who knows what will be left of the benefits system in a few years. And is this a socially equitable choice for other tax payers?
Many parents delay their family / limit the size of their family due to personal finances.
I feel you are enabling her dependence not only on you, but also on society.

What was your daughter intending to do before she got pregnant? Had she trained in something or taken any qualifications?

I'd be sad about this.

They are two adults in their 20s, why aren’t they trying to sort themselves out?

From this thread and the replies you would think it was concerning a pregnant 17-year-old.

OP: My daughter is having a baby she and her partner very much want, so I'm planning for when I become a grandmother.

PPs: But abortion!

How awful that this comes up every time its decided someone isn't in the perfect position to have a baby. I've even seen it said to excited mums to be on here because they're a single parent/not married/ unemployed, etc. I own my house jointly with DP, have a well paid job and plenty of savings. I could easily survive as a single parent... until I lost my job, had to live off savings and had to go on UC when I exhausted those due to not being able to find a job... No-one is ever in a perfect position to have children, it can all be snatched away fairly quickly in this economy.

That's benefit fraud- charging the full-rate, claiming housing benefit, giving it to her daughter as additional money.

It’s not about ‘convincing’ anyone. It’s about being a decent parent and outlining the cold reality of being a single mother on benefits versus a much more secure future. Anyone can find the benefits calculator and keep quiet, but sometimes as a parent we need to step up and arm our children with facts, tools and insight.

You know nothing about the conversations this family have/havent had

Nor do you. Pp are suggesting having a ‘direct’ conversation about the reality if op hasn’t done so. Why would you object to that??

OP, 21 is young but not that young. I know quite a few women who had a baby in their late teens. 21 used to be a pretty normal time to get married, and many women had a baby a year later. For my mother’s generation that was normal, nobody thought 21/22 was terribly young to be starting a family. My Mum got married at nearly 29 and had her first baby when she was close to 30, which was considered ancient at the time !
My friend’s dd got pregnant by accident at 21, just after university, and her little boy is 8 now and doing well. My friend supported her dd with occasional childcare, buying some things for them, that sort of thing, and the other set of parents did the same. For a while they lived in a tiny flat belonging to my friend but they fairly quickly found something else nearby. Friend’s dd set up her own small business and that has worked out well.
I think we infantilise young people for too long now, 21 is an adult, and they will work it out. However we all need a support network around us when we have a baby, however old we are. So being a source of advice and support is the way forward. Helping them feel confident in doing things for themselves, and stepping in to give practical help when needed. Are you able to offer any childcare ? Even occasionally will help. I can’t advise on housing as I have no idea what benefits might be available to them, but I think just having loving and supportive parents happy to help where possible is a gift to any woman with a new baby. Good luck to them, and you OP.

21 is an adult. My mum was 21 when she had her first and she and my dad gave us an excellent, stable, happy home. Their kids are fully functional, happy adults thanks to them and their stable childhood.

I wonder why you are so concerned? If it’s about their financial situation then maybe support your daughter and her boyfriend in making plans for their future. But many parents are as young as them and make a great success of family life.

because she hasn’t asked for peoples opinions on it 🙄 obviously

They won't be able to get the housing element of universal credit for a house in your name. I lived in a house my Dad owned when I had my son at 20, formally through a letting agent. I ended up moving because I was paying only just below market value rent but got no housing element. My Dad was my guarantor for a different rented house and was able to get 2/3s of the rent as part of my universal credit.
Just to say, I was in a very similar situation as your daughter, I did split from my son's father when he was two, I didn't struggle on my own. The bond my parents have with my son is amazing, they have never done more than they wanted to to help and haven't relied on them to raise my child. I've worked my way off benefits, own my own home, and very happy and honestly, it wasn't that difficult doing as a single mother. I found a good childminder and worked by way up from receptionist to managing a team. It's not all doom and gloom!

5thCommandment It sounds like the dd and the bf has started their careers but were made redundant

What happens if you are married with a career then your dh dies and you lose your home as you are reduced to one income.
Do you get rid of your children. Hand them over to a social worker because you are no longer married and don’t own the roof over your head

I think the human race would die out if everyone had to adhere to your list of wants before anyone had a baby.

FWIW the people I know (including those in their early 20s) who had their dc young are doing better than those who have gone down the more traditional path of waiting for children until they have everything in place.

They are adults who have chosen to have a baby. Leave them to figure it out.

I’ve had a housing benefits claim rejected in the past because we were renting from relatives so you will definitely have to double check if that is a viable option. Otherwise, could you afford to charge rent but slightly below market rate?

That is rare and very unlikely, and that’s what life assurance is for! Responsible parents plan for worse case scenarios, pregnancies and job security.

I had my first at 21. Granted I was already living with dp in our rented flat. I had a min wage job as did he. We got on fine and it turned out to be the best decision of our lives having kids young. I had my second at 23. Fast forward 13 years, I am now managing a department after multiple promotions, DP has his own business and we own our own home. It wasn't easy, but the dc never went without.

Some of these comments are so very negative, but it seems to me like you are willing to help and support your daughter.

RELAX!
She is 21. An adult who has made a decision to bring another life into the world!

Let them get on with it!

You are doing too much!

It's worth bearing in mind that the infantilisation of 20 year olds will be from many of the posters who will wax lyrical about how a 20 year old is a fully grown, responsible adult when it suits them in other situations.

Out of 3 generations in DP's and my family, who had first babies between 20-22:

1 - House owned outright with no mortgage, extremely well off financially.

2 - Own with a mortgage, comfortable with no financial worries.

3 - Own with a small mortgage, not wealthy but very comfortable with no money worries.

All with 2+ children now, and in 2 out of 3 the mother didn't work when the first child was born (one never did work at all, ironically the only one who could be considered wealthy now)!

People aren't doomed to a situation due to their age or their situation when pregnant.

I am sat here wondering the same!

A quick and easy way is
Benefits calculator online. Just Google that literally

If they rent from a family member they will not get any top ups / financial support for that from the Government because you’re family.