21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

Sorry, but there's no way that you'll be living your life in your 40s that you would in your 20s, if you truly think this then you are seriously delusional. Also great that you have zero regrets, but having a child in your 20s, 20 years ago is very different to having a child in yoir 20s now. Life was much easier and simpler 20 years ago.

I agree with this absolutely. Although it's very tempting to solve the problem for them, the fact is that they are going to be incredibly broke and reliant completely on benefits. I would say to them that if they are old enough to have a baby they are old enough to solve the problem and he is certainly old enough to work full-time for an employer. There is no way he can be earning enough to keep a child.

What was easier and simpler about having children 20 years ago, as opposed to now? @Justfinking so far as I can tell, nothing much has changed? (I have a 20 year old, but also a six year old)

This thread is hilarious! They are 21 not 16!

How’s she going to waitress at 9 months 🤣 I was literally in trenches at 8 and a half and heavily gardening.

The only issue I can see is the benefits things with self employment. Dp and I are self employed. We would be eligible for quite a lot of things now with children (ie. UC top up childcare element etc.)

And it’s a lot of money! I think they top up 80% of childcare bill. Then you have tax free childcare on top.

But after talking about it we decided we didn’t want to because with self employed it’s not clear how they calculate it. The guidance is contradictory. And my god I have no idea how the gov works this stuff out because they accidentally said I owed a thousands of £ tax bill. Yet we are on PaYe with an accountant, not a slap dash employment. And they had all the exact same paye info as the accountant and now agree I don’t owe it. And those rules are pretty clear and non contradictory.

So in short the benefits with self employment could be an issue or a ticking time bomb.

Congratulations OP

This!

House prices and food for a start??!

@MacciesApplePie realistically why are they considering to have this child with no realistic salary coming in. Sorry if thats harsh but shes only 21

21 is so young to have a baby and will dictate the way her life goes really.

Great that you are sitting down with her to have a frank chat about what life will be like with a small child , so they can decide if its what they really want.

Well housing costs is my first thought.

And more job opportunities and available housing

I agree that your DD is 21, not 16

I assume that your DD will have a supportive partner & family too to help

Benefit info here
https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit/what-youll-get

If you can't afford for them to live in the flat rent free, get some advice about whether or not to rent it to them. If they stop paying rent they will put you ion the position of having to evict them.

To be fair it’s no easier at mid 30s. Then you have just spent 15 years on education and investing in your career. You might live in an expensive location due to work. You haven’t quite broken through or just did and now this will halt your track to making those final steps to a great pay package and an easy life.

Atleast at 21 you can build your life around your child and many young mums I know actually retrain mid 20s and are on a similar level just before the mid 30s drop off to maternity. They could easily win the race.

@Choux and @Justfinking

Good point about housing costs - I’m insulated from that because I now earn a lot. But that’s more expensive- it’s not more complicated (which is where my mind went with the word “simpler”)

And many stay on benefits and just keep having children

Really? My house is worth probably 5x what it was 20 years ago, my 20 yo self would not be able to afford to own this home, or any home in this neighbourhood now. Also I find it depressing no matter how well my children do they are also unlikely to own their own home unless I help them with this (which fortunately I will be able to do).

I was agreeing with you and adding to why it's harder then 20 years ago

Hi just wanted to share another positive story. I also had to tell my parents I was pregnant at 21, in last year of uni, no job, boyfriend they didn't like living back in our home country with a low paid job. After the initial conversation they were supportive but definitely never did running around for us. They supported us with buying things like a second hand pram or cot but definitely didn't dash around trying to smoothen the road for us even though they could have easily afforded to, it was our bed to lie in. They did help us with some rent money at a particularly difficult time but not a lot more. 2h childcare a week.

That was over 12 years ago. We got married, have more children now, are home owners and both working in well paid jobs. With hindsight, I think on the whole they were correct in making us figure out how it was going to work for ourselves, even though we live in a country where benefits don't exist.

Wow, some very judgmental posts on here.

OP? I had DC1 when I was 19. Me and now DH (yes reader, I married him) had full time jobs but were pretty skint. We didn't rely on anyone - I went back to work FT when she was 9 months old and DH changed his working days so although we didn't have weekends off together it meant we only had three days childcare to cover - tax credits really helped. The hard days made the good days seem better to be honest. Our parents were supportive in the sense of babysitting but never money or housing.

I studied whilst working getting qualified in my field and DH has worked his way up a bit. 16 years later we own our own home, we have a good income and we also have another lovely DC who is 6. This doesn't have to be a disaster but you won't be helping by being a white knight- they are old enough to do this alone.

THIS, with bells on. Do not get too involved. Offer love and childcare if you can.

I agree with this. A baby at 21 with no career and not owning her own home - not a good idea and there's no guarantee the father will stick around, she could well end up a single mum at 22, unable to work much, career dream on hold/over, exhausted, no chance of getting her own place etc. sounds like a disaster to me, I'd lay all that out in a frank way - she will also lose her social circle, her mates will develop careers and sort out homes etc, she will slowly feel like she's falling behind. It will be very hard on her at that age with no security.

I'd say, given the above, an abortion is absolutely the right thing and she needs your life experience to guide her on that, not just support whatever she wants, with respect, a 21yr old hasn't a fucking clue what life is like. Guide her, lay out the truth, then she can make an informed decision. Good luck.

If DD wants to have a child she needs to start figuring this out for herself, not getting mum to figure out what benefits she can claim.

I'm like this. I would never have an abortion for any reason, so if I ever got pregnant again, my only option would be to have the baby and cut my cloth accordingly. I'm not turning this into a debate, but for some women, abortion is not a feasible choice.

So basically anyone of any age should never have children unless they own their home, have a water tight guarantee the father will stick around and a guarantee all her friends will stick around forever

right, gotcha…. 🙄

*Babyroobs · Today 01:00

They may not qualify for any Uc until the baby is born. If they do qualify for UC once the baby is born then self employment can be tricky and he can be treated as earning his minimum income floor even if he doesn't. Maybe they could stay where they are until the baby is born and save as much as possible. You say she is on a zero hours contract but does she regularly get a decent amount of hours*

Completely wrong regarding self employment and UC

You declare your earnings on a certain day each month and your UC money is worked out on the basis of what has been received.

Your dd might want to sign up now for UC. Even if she wasn’t pregnant as zero hours contracts could leave her with £0 or just a £2/300 for a month. Declaring the amount she is being paid will either mean she gets £0 from UC for that month or at least have UC to subsidise her income. Especially if she starts to be overlooked as her pregnancy progresses

Take no notice of the ones saying your dd is too young

I know quite a few girls/women who had their 2nd or 3rd child by the time they were 21. Some through dd who is similar age.

It sounds like your dd and her bf have similar work ethic and not afraid to work given how they grabbed the first jobs they found after both being made redundant