21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

This situation happens very often in Eastern Europe where the young people live with their parents and just stay there with the baby, the mother automatically becomes full time carer of the child and very often retires to do that full time. If the two young parents are sensible, they both go to work. But this here is England so.......quite interested what happens in the future

I'm sorry to hear that is how it works for you. That is not how it works for the vast majority of women.

Yeah, gardeners are usually rolling in it.

Why do you need to be 'rolling in it'?

I should add the mother of the mother or father of the baby become automatically the full time carer of the baby

I don’t see anything in the OP which suggests the DD and boyf have asked her to take over OR the OP is swooping in to take over. She’s running over scenarios of how she can help, like any decent parent would. So many “back off save yourself” posts!! I wouldn’t think twice to do the same. They are family and her daughter doesn’t stop being her daughter just because she is 21.

No parent to be fully realises the vast life changing implications of having a baby, whether 21 or 41. And being young and energetic holds many many advantages over being an aging parent. They will forge their way as has always been the way. I think it’s lovely the OP is trying to help her daughter.

Maybe. Or maybe not. Not everyone can use hormonal contraception. Sometimes hormonal contraceptives fail. Not everyone realises they're pregnant early enough to use the morning after pill. Not everyone is able to ethically support getting an abortion. I support the right to choose, but I know people whose spiritual beliefs dictate that a fetus be awarded personhood from the moment of conception. They would see your stance as arguing that they should kill their child to save the tax payer money. How would you refute that?

As for 'your philosophy is flawed' - I think you mean 'your analogy is flawed'. If you want to talk about 'philosophy', well looking at your stance, you're getting dangerously close to the being the sort of person who believes that if you need social support for any reason that could be considered your own fault, you probably shouldn't get it. So people who choose to go skiing or horse riding, who then end up needing tens of thousands of pounds worth of surgery and years of rehabilitation - they shouldn't get it because they chose to go skiing/ride a bike/ride a horse...

So I won't encourage my daughter to put herself in such future situation but if happens, all I have, own and all my physical abilites will be transferred immediately to my new grand baby and her mum , Sorry , may be not the typical opinion. If her future partner or husband is good and more mature and working and providing, good. But imagine he is not. Then of course I will go step and provide full time support, with no question

Maybe you’re right. I read it as the OP having a bit of a panic that her adult daughter was pregnant and asking for advice on how she could sort things out.

I think it’s nice that she is supportive, but my point was that at 21 she’s an adult and quite capable of dealing with the situation. I was 19 when I had my dd, my mum was actually fairly supportive but she wouldn’t have been running around sorting out benefits on my behalf.

Presumably because the vast majority of women who choose to terminate a pregnancy are able to accept that it's a morally, spiritually and emotionally tolerable thing for them to do. Other people don't share that belief, and to be pushed into a termination for these people could be hugely harmful, just like it's harmful to coerce a woman into continuing with a pregnancy she feels she can't cope with.

Some of you really need to consider what pro choice means. OPs daughter has made her choice so I have no idea why there are posters pontificating about whether she should have her baby or not. If you trust women then you trust women, whether they are young and pregnant, or in their 40s and having a termination, or any combination of ages and situations.

You don't.

That is lovely, and exactly what I would want to do for my daughter and granddaughter. A grandparent like you would be a huge asset to any child.

Congratulations! Lovely news!
I had my first at 20, both our parents helped loads.
we now have three adult DCs, all been to uni, wonderful people, we had lots of fun as young parents.
we were skinny for the first few years but babies don’t seem to care where they are on holiday or if they’re in a Peugeot not a Volvo.
we have money now and we’re helping our kids.
hope it all goes well x

I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure UC won't pay housing benefit towards a flat/house if family own it

I can assure you they do - I'm in this position myself - but it really does have to be a proper tenancy as opposed to what they call a "contrived" one

And they (quite rightly) check

No the government is the reason why this country is falling apart not working people being on benefits

It's their job to do all this leg work not you. Why are you posting? Does your child not know how to use the internet?

They told me otherwise. That I couldn't get it if my family own the house

Speaking as a grandmother, you need to set yourself some very healthy boundaries here. They are making this decision of their own free will, and it's not your place in either of their lives to enable it. You seem to be swooping in - stand back, listen, support and don't step in unless you absolutely have to. This has the potential to turn your lives upside down especially if they split and she wants to come home. My own DD had her 1st at 20, and has flourished in spite of my initial terror about it all. They have a house, she's now at university and has done it her way. Give your DD that chance too - I'm incredibly proud of the adult that my DD has grown into. She's an amazing Mum and my grandchildren are amazing too.

But then my parents came to me and said its the business that owns it and I think they said that was fine.

@Twoshoesnewshoes did you and your partner work, or did you have to claim benefits to have all that “fun as young parents”?

It seems rather sad to me that an accidental pregnancy in a young person with an insecure job is immediately greeted with “right, what benefits can I get”, rather than “is this really a good situation to bring a child into”.

It might be better to do the teaching first rather than the rescuing.

But they do have other options.

There's the option of the flat that the OP and partner own, that her daughter and partner could move into.

Or there may be the option of social housing.

Benefits are there for people on low incomes who can't afford to house themselves and their families without them. What do you think they should be for? Or do you not think there should be help with housing and living costs for the vast number of people in low paid jobs that are essential for the functioning of our economy?

You're still trying to make a case that this young woman should be steered towards having an abortion so her and her child won't have to claim benefits.