21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

Perfect!

Yes, but I am beginning to believe that benefits shouldn't be used so that people can have babies at 21. It's grating on me, because as a first generation immigrant and net contributor, I am constantly told that it's immigrants who are draining the economy. Are they?

Lordy I was with you until you admitted that it wasn't your flat but your husband's and his brothers. You're using your half of the rent to support your son through university.

So nope, they got pregnant not your university sons fault. It's their mess to sort out.

If they think they are old enough to have a baby maybe they need to step up more to support themselves

This ^^

Interesting - though hardly unusual - that the first questions concerns "what they can get" as opposed to what they might do for themselves

Of course they can afford to have a baby, that's what the benefits system is for - to support people. If no-one had a child until they could afford one then only those in mega bucks would have children. Most working people seem to be claiming some kind of benefit and it looks as though we'll get a Labour government so nothing to worry about.

Anyone wondering how the Irish laundry situation happened? Or the children shipped off to Australia being told they were orphans? Or the Chinese forced abortions after 1 child?

Having a child at 21 with a low income is hard, but the solution should be a kinder society with cheaper housing not abortions for the poor.

You sound like a wonderful mother. There is nothing wrong in supporting your daughter. In the end it is their choice. Even at 21 you sometimes need the support of your parents and thankfully you are the type of parents that are there for their child.

It doesn't matter how old your child is you are always the parent.
You can be the voice of reason, you can point them in the right direction if they request it.

Our daughter and son in law sat us down when they were in their 30's and need some advise on a house purchase. We worked out a strategy together. Why on earth we would just leave them to it.

Your daughter has heightened emotions how refreshing she can talk things through with her parents and find a way forward.

Sorry no practical advice but just to say - keep up the good work.

BTW we are now in the position we can go to our children for advice!

Oh, how very droll @izimbra

No, that's not what posters are saying.

They are saying that it's incredibly hard for anyone to have a baby and juggle it with work, especially if they are young and don't have a stable income.

Of course people without salaried and professional jobs have kids.

But the very worst combination is to be young, with no secure income (both the woman and the man), no means of supporting yourselves very well, let a lone a child.

This couple wouldn't even be able to get onto the rental market themselves.
No savings, no stable income, only been in their zero hours and self-employed jobs for weeks (because of redundancy.)

If they want to live with their parents and the grandparents bring up the baby, fair enough.

They don't have many other options other than benefits and finding a flat or waiting for council accommodation.

Yes, let them go ahead. BUT the daughter needs to understand exactly how hard it's going to be.

Then she can make her decision.

I've a son this age who has to go back to university for two years to get his masters so he's chartered he's already delayed it two years waiting for her career to launch. His partner who has a degree can't find work two years on so is in a zero hours hospitality job

My fear is her getting pregnant before he starts finishes his masters.

It's such a mess if you start a family at the worst time financially.

Help her find a flat for her and her boyfriend to rent together.

I was 21 when I got pregnant with dd1, had her a few weeks before I turned 22. I didn’t get any financial support from family, both me and the baby’s father were working low paid jobs, we bought everything for baby 2nd hand and got some hand me downs from friends. I think a lot of people haven’t got financial stability when they fall pregnant (even if it’s planned) but they get by.

Why does being young make the combination worse? Surely anyone of any age would struggle with less money? If anything being young is a positive as you’re more adaptable and less set in your ways. Also more years of career ahead of you so more chance to better yourself.

also, just because someone might live with their parents for a while to allow them to save some money it doesn’t mean that the grandparents will be raising their grandchild. Jeez.

Some people have always had kids young, they will be fine. They clearly have a caring family, you own a second property , they aren't going to be homeless or starve are they? The benefit system will top them up, pay towards their rent if they rent off you ( bizarre in my opinion but allowed ). It won't be easy but they will manage.

I’m aghast at the amount of posters who are saying leave them to it! It’s her DD and Grandchild for Gods sake! It’s okay to help family, really! I know my mother helped me when I needed guidance whilst growing up and beyond. It’s kind of in the job description. Good on you OP for being so kind and resourceful.

If women stopped giving birth to and caring for the children who'll be the consumers and workers without which nobody on this thread would have a job, a home or healthcare, society would collapse.

Carrying and raising children IS making a contribution to society and to the economy.

I disgree, I suspect most posters are in the middle ground. I think people should at least try and sort out as much as they can before having kids. Being in dead end jobs, having no housing sorted and having no career to fall back on are all bad options and the type of things that cause massive problems to new parents or mothers,
Raising kids is challenging for anyone so why make life harder for yourself by not trying to optimise things for yourself.
Being skint and having no options to earn a decent living are the type of things that mean women end up staying in shite and abusive relationships. If you don't realise that then try reading the million threads written by women in that situation on Mumsnet.

In twenty years time assuming they decide to work for a living….

There’s a balance though between being a helpful, caring, supportive parents and just taking over to deal with the crisis. OP needs to support her dd to get things in order, doing it all on her behalf isn’t actually that helpful and her dd may feel like she’s taking over. At the end of the day her dd will be the parent and needs to be encouraged to step up and do these things herself.

@LillythePinky how old were you when you had children out of interest?

My sister (married, home owning, own career, "perfect age" of 32) struggled MASSIVELY with having kids because of the huge adjustment to her life.

At 21, like i was, you're flying by the seat of your pants more, not set in your lifestyle and can adapt to the situation more easily because you have fewer expectations about: how things should be, what you can afford and you cut your cloth.

Unfortunately The elderly man needing antibiotics didn’t choose getting an infection but the young woman who has FREE access to any contraceptive on the planet, free morning after pill and free abortion CHOSE to get pregnant.

(Your philosophy is flawed)

Good point. My mother always emphasized to me that women should never assume they’ll be able to get pregnant when they want to get pregnant. Her family history is full of people who had 5+ kids, but she herself, despite trying for a baby since age 26, only ever got pregnant two times - a few months apart, at age 35. The first one miscarried and the second one is me.

People talk about abortion and say, “You can always have a baby later if you want,” and while that’s often true, it isn’t always. Female fertility is sometimes unpredictable, and no one’s promised a later healthy pregnancy.

So people in 'dead end jobs' What ever they are. Every job is worth while imo. But anyway are you saying those people should never have children and only those with high flying careers should?

First and foremost they should be working out how to support themselves. I would not be encouraging them to depend on benefits. They're not children and have made an adult decision, good on them. Extra hours or a second job may be required alongside serious career planning, it's not just pocket money now, the stakes are higher, they need to step up. Insulating them from reality may not be helpful in the long run.

This has also been my experience with almost everyone I know. The younger parents adapted so much more easily as less set in their ways. Also you can pretend that you’re as good without sleep at the age of 38 as you were at 20. I’m certainly not anyway!

If the OP's husband AND his brother were left the flat, then surely the first thing to check is that the brother is OK with the idea of letting the flat to the OP's daughter (I assume this is what is meant by 'shared with his brother'??) Presumably both husband and his brother have joint say in what happens?