21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

No one is focusing on the likelihood that this woman will be a single parent.

Couples of 21 are statistically more likely to split up.

Not all, before everyone piles in and says they met at 14 and are not happy at 83.

But the figures show the facts.

Yes, they very well might make it work.
But the odds are they won't, as a couple.

And the fact is her career prospects are going to be hindered for some time unless the OP steps in and is a full time granny caring for the baby.

If that's the goal, fair enough.

I was being sarcastic.

I don't think anyone should be coerced or pressured into an abortion to save the tax payer money.

And I don't think elderly or disabled people should be coerced into going to their graves earlier than they need to in order to be less of a public 'burden'.

The only reason someone should have an abortion is because they feel they don't want to/can't continue with a pregnancy, for reasons that are important to them.

Mostly it was the man who worked full time and the woman worked evenings in care, retail or hospitality. Money was tight when the kids were very small but not unmanageable.
no child care costs as always one parent at home.

once kids got to school age mums most retrained. Most now own their own homes, have degrees and good careers. So yeah, it works.

FWIW - I'd suggest the OP decides on what their own boundaries are, and offers support to their child based on that. If they don't feel they'll be able to help much with childcare or finances say so, but otherwise, just offer love and a listening ear. The only person who can make this decision is the daughter. I would never, ever push my daughter in any direction, either towards or away from a termination of a pregnancy.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname But shift work is usually the lowest of the low jobs. Cleaning, care, factory work, supermarket shelf stacking (unless someone is a HCP or another highly professional role.)

Once someone gets into that spiral, how can they progress to something more meaningful and better paid with that on their CV?

It's setting the bar very low .

I'm afraid that they cannot afford to support themselves, let alone a baby. I would carry-on renting out the flat. I would not let her boyfriend move in, at all. Your daughter is going to struggle, and is going to expect you to do most of the work. I'd sit down with her and explain what she has to do, and what you're not going to help with. She probably won't be working when the baby arrives, because nursery fees are higher than minimum wage. She will be stuck with the baby, until school starts. It's a terrible idea all round. I'd honestly encourage an abortion.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname Yes but you're ignoring the point that this man doesn't have a good job.

He's working as a gardener, so presumably hourly pay and very insecure.

If one person has a sound and secure job that's one thing.
It's not the case here.

If a 21 year old has a baby, their child is an adult by the time they are 39. The 21 year old then has another 30 years of employment. They can retrain to do anything they want then.

21 isn’t that young to have a baby! I had my first at 21 and I wasn’t really in the best situation, I’d just left my job and was living back at my mums. Luckily my now exh was 30 and had a business that eventually did very well. We got married and had 4 more kids!

I don’t remember ever worrying I was too young, I think people are treated like babies for longer now 🤷🏻‍♀️

I did. So did many of my friends. Seeing those jobs as the lowest of the low is an issue. Those jobs are valid and meaningful, not highly paid, but still important to society.

you do those roles to make ends meet while they’re small. So many people go in to study as adults and degree apprenticeships are becoming more and more widely available to give people in these positions the chance to further their careers.

If you read back through my replies I have clearly said that now is not the time for him to be trying to start a gardening business. He needs to step up and find full time employment.

Just wanted to add OP, the likelihood of her getting a "council house" is next to zero, so this needs to factor out of any equation IMO.

@Pressthespacebar slightly ironic that you were living at home when you got pregnant, not exactly being an adult supporting yourself

Chiming in again cos it's so toxic af here.

Do help them out, OP. Support her & work out what she needs. Hold her hand if she wants! When DS told us he was going to be a dad we all banded together. My sister worked out how much he would need to take two weeks paternity (self employed in building) so they wouldn't have to worry about that money & me, sister & mum & dad gave them that as a gift (we're all working class, mum & dad on state pension). My mum instantly looked up any benefits they would be entitled to & passed all that on.

We helped them find stuff for the new house (all my side of the family & DH's side too).

When baby was born the mum was struggling to eat so we set up a month of Mindful Chef, then DH's dad did another month after that. They could afford food but it helped them not to have added thought processes & make sure the mum could rest after CS & was eating properly. That worked a treat & she was excited about food again. I was skint that month, very skint!

In the first month I popped over a couple of times to take baby shopping with me cos mum was struggling. Her own mum popped over every day (at her request) so she wasn't alone while DS was working.

There is loads of other stuff we, as a family inc in laws, did before & after the birth so they felt supported. Inc me having serious conversation with DS about the reality that was about to hit them with an emphasis on what was about to hit her!

When he told us, my only questions were they were both happy to go ahead & if she decided she didn't want to would he support her. He answered, end of questioning.

I should add, the DH is his step dad (for 18 years & DS calls him dad cos that's what he is) & so his family aren't even blood related!

Maybe this kind of family support only comes from being breadline, I dunno.

Baby is 6 months, they are all sorted & settled & there's been no financial support since, just emotional. They are a wonderful couple, they adore each other & DS looks like he's going to burst with love each time he looks at his baby.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS ALL NORMAL! This is what you do for family! Reading through this thread I'm wondering if we are goddamn saints! But actually, it's most of the responses here that are abnormal, not us.

21 isn't too young to have a baby. I think the average age to have a baby on MN is probably about 40 though. Fortunately MN does not reflect RL.

Also most parents are happy to help their adult kids out in RL if they need it.

We are 21 and 22 were able to support a child financially. And then have another at 23. Maybe because you couldn't doesn't mean it's fact

@crumblingschools where do you draw the line then? Plenty of people who've done things "the right way round" are given big money by parents to get on the property ladder. Are they not adulting?

I was in the same situation and lived at home/with DHs parents when DD was small. If this isn't an option, i wont pretend OPs daughter won't struggle, because she will. Paying private rent while saving a deposit is nigh on impossible.

However, my parents wouldn't have stood for it if they felt I was taking the piss and not saving for the future. If OP thinks her daughter will help herself, then it is not definitely going to be a life ending disaster for anyone.

Yea but life has become way more expensive now. Op's dd can't afford this baby. It's one thing to say you want to keep the baby, another to be selfish and not think of the life you will be giving your child.

Love the classic emerging mumsnet consensus that the only people who should have children are people in salaried professional jobs, with lots of savings, and a secure home - preferably one they own themselves.

You could have it on a T-shirt with the mumsnet logo: "POOR PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BREED"

That's exactly how we did it. Dp worked nights Fri, Sat and Sun and I working office hours Monday to Friday. For years. It worked for us. We had everything we needed

I think a lot of the posters in their secure owned houses were given big house deposits by their parents. I doubt many of them got there on their own.

This. My husband and I waited until we were financially stable before having kids. Age 31 and 34 we’ve just had our first. I’d have loved on in my 20s but no way could we afford it.

@izimbra I certainly don’t think a 21yo should be planning to have a baby if they don’t have any financial stability. At least have worked for a bit and contributed to society

Where does it say the OPs DD hasn't worked?

This is the mumsnet belief. People just can’t fathom that you can raise kids perfectly well without pots of cash, a big house and a high paid corporate role. of course having a baby before 35 is just madness, you’ll have ruined your youth.

oh please. There’s more than one way to do things and for it to work out well. Just because it’s not the way you were told things should be, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.