21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

It wasn’t. It was directed at the general, slightly odd mumsnet belief that older automatically equals better and that jsut because you’re young you won’t cope. Which just isn’t the case.

I think having a job automatically equals better. That's just common sense.

Maybe because she is aware that having a termination may cause mental health problems. I couldn’t do it.

I used to clean for a woman in her forties who had two kids under 5 and she couldn’t cope with them. I was a better mum in my teens than she was. I was astonished at how difficult she found it, possibly because she was so used to being a career woman most of her life.

We need to stop pretending that 21 year olds are still children, they’re not.

They may not be children but they are not able to support a child financially.
That's the point.

My parents married at 21.
I was born 6 years later when they could move from a tiny rented flat to a bigger one. This was before the Pill even existed. Somehow they managed to avoid a pregnancy.

I fail to understand how these days women can get pregnant when they don't want to. And before every one piles in, young people who aren't ready to have a child ought to double up on contraception- condoms and something else.

Younger or older, having a baby when you have no money, no savings, no job, no income, no home, and no security is bloody ludicrous. You can't possibly think the OP's daughter is in a good position to have a baby!

I would do my level best to encourage my daughter to not go ahead with the pregnancy if she were in the OP's daughter's position.

The age has got NOTHING to do with it. The daughter is in no position to support a baby!

/

OPs dd has a job. It’s zero hour but she should be picking up as many shifts as she can so that she will be entitle to maternity pay. If she’s not doing that then she’s silly. She can find something else after mat leave.

Her boyfriend needs to step up and maybe realise that this isn’t the time to be starting his own business. He needs a wage coming in. their situation isn’t so dire that they can’t make it work, but they need to be adults about it and do what they have to do to make it work.

"Maybe you should have an abortion, so you and your baby don't become a burden to the tax payer".

Maybe this sort of frankness should become the norm when dealing with elderly people too. "Maybe you shouldn't take those antibiotics - it's probably better for the tax payer that you die sooner rather than later".

Maybe because she is aware that having a termination may cause mental health problems. I couldn’t do it.

Have you considered that an accidental pregnancy may cause MH issues? And the hardship of all the years that follow?

And just because YOU may find termination awful doesn't mean all women would.

Yep this. ^ I strongly believe that 'accidental' pregnancies are very VERY rarely accidental.

.

How would you like it if people were amazed that you aborted?

You sound very patronising looking down on young mums when you were close to being one.

I completely agree. The responsibility is on the employers. They are the ones really being subsidised, because they don’t pay a living wage.

’Career woman’ my god is this the 50s?

A good position? No, I don’t think that. So bad that they can’t make it work? No. If they work hard now until the baby arrives they can make it work. Babies aren’t expensive. Not really. You don’t need loads of money, but you do need to be realistic and compromise. Work opposite shifts to avoid childcare costs (we did this for years). Accept that you’ll need to buy things second hand and that you don’t need the latest everything, which seems to be so important to some people.

there’s very chance it could work out and be absolutely fine.

Maybe this sort of frankness should become the norm when dealing with elderly people too. "Maybe you shouldn't take those antibiotics - it's probably better for the tax payer that you die sooner rather than later"

So where does your argument stop?
People who are overweight?
People who drink too much?
People of any age who become ill?

Or is your gripe only with the elderly? (Who have likely worked for 45 years and paid their taxes.)

Fgs I just meant that she was used to thinking about herself and it was a bit of a challenge adjusting.

I think you're living in a dream world.

A good position? No, I don’t think that. So bad that they can’t make it work? No. If they work hard now until the baby arrives they can make it work. Babies aren’t expensive. Not really. You don’t need loads of money, but you do need to be realistic and compromise. Work opposite shifts to avoid childcare costs (we did this for years)

Babies are very expensive because they limit a woman's ability to work.
Childcare has to be paid for.
Not all people work shifts. And shift work is not an ideal way to work.

Most shift work is low-paid unless you're talking medical staff, airline pilots etc.

The point is they can't support themselves. let alone a child.

I know a lot of people who have made it work. Are they all living in imagination land?

Exactly this. That poster's post was farcical. (@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname )

'

I know a lot of people who have made it work. Are they all living in imagination land?

Exactly how and what did they make work?

Who paid for child care?
What sort of jobs did they have?

Could they buy their own homes?
Did they have good careers?

What?! It doesn't mean that is going to be her situation forever you know!

I was the same age as OPs daughter when I got pregnant. DD gave us the impetus to improve our situation. I'm not saying it's easy but we now have a small mortgage on a lovely house in a decent area. DD is 16, we are married and have another child.

Having the support of the wider family is important and OP sounds like she is trying to be supportive.

I wonder how many on here had help from parents to get on the property ladder. A fair few I expect.

I know your daughter is 21 and I presume her boyfriend is around the same age. She has just got a zero hours post as a waitress and her boyfriend has self employed as a gardener.
They both might like the idea of a baby but the reality will be far different with a crying baby, paying rent, trying to get and stay in work or dealing with the benefits system. Even well established couples who say have more income, good jobs and a home find having a baby can be hard going.

I know you are a co owner of a flat but I would not let them move in their.
At the moment their are tenents in that flat, it is proving income for your bil and the income that your getting from this is helping to fund another child of yours through university.
Also in the future you or your bil may need to sell the flat as you need the money. Moving your daughter, her boyfriend and a new baby in their could end up being a disaster and UC may not pay the rent on here either.

In your situation I would be encouraging your daughter to have an abortion as neither her or her boyfriend are in a good financial situation. I say to your daughter that she is not ready for a baby yet and you want to see her getting a better job, travelling and having her own life before having a baby. Tell her her boyfriend could walk away from this situation and leave her on her own with a child. I would also tell her that you can't give up your job or help her out financially. If she mentions the flat you have I tell her you just a co-owner of this, it already has tenents and UC won't pay the rent on this flat.
I know the above may sound hard but the reality is that your daughter needs to hear some home truths.

I know a lady who's son got his girlfriend pregnant. His mother was far from happy because they had just finished school, had no money and she could see the problems ahead. His mother knew she would be expected to give his girlfriend money for the child and to help with minding the baby as well. Her son was planning to move away from the area due to his career plans. She talked to his girlfriend and she had begun to realise the situation she was in. She realised she was not ready for a baby. His mother arranged and paid for a private early abortion for her. His girlfriend is now in college. She told his mother recently that she was so glad to have an abortion because it enabled her to leave home, go to college and make a life for herself.

I’m not saying you do it forever. But lots of people do it in the short term while the kids are very small as you get some time with the child and less expenditure on child care. So even though your wage may be slightly lower, you keep more of it and actually have more disposable income. Pretty much all the young parents I know have done this in the early years and it worked.

it’s hard to imagine how it could work when you’re in an established career with good prospects and it seems so far below you. But if you’re just working to pay the bills it works out fine. You accept you have less money and when you have less life is cheaper. We lived well on about a third of what we earn now when the kids were small. It was honestly fine, and I could actually afford to be on mat leave, which I couldn’t now as you live to your means and our lives are much more expensive now.