21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

Yes, but I have friends that haven’t. I recognise we’re fortunate. Not any more than it would several years down the line. I’m quite happy to do it now.

I bought my first house at 22, back in 2006. Well, I had a deposit and took out a mortgage. I suppose it is more unusual these days.

To wait until shes more secure

DH is two years older so two years more of earning. We live in a cheap part of the country. I don’t work in any sort of ‘field’ it’s a very normal standard line of work, we aren’t rolling in it by any means.

Do you think you need to be ten years into a career and have bought a house to have a baby? Is that what you’re saying?

@Mummytooobe would you have planned to have a baby if you hadn’t been given financial help?

OP’s DD has decided she wants to keep the baby. Her choice is valid.

Pro choice applies when a woman wants to keep her baby too, just in case anyone forgot. It doesn’t just apply one way.

I think OP would be really doing her DD a disservice to push for an abortion when she doesn’t want one. She’s got her own mind thankfully she has a mum who respects her decision either way.

She’ll get maternity allowance so she will have something, albeit not much.

Yes. Hope that helps

The situation in 2006 is very different to now in 2024. You can't even compare this

To wait until shes more secure

Well she's pregnant now, so that horse has bolted. I presume you would want to coerce her into a termination?

Kindly.. shouldn’t they be doing this stuff for themselves? Responsibility and all that.

On Mn telling young women how difficult and expensive parenting is always COERCION with a capital C. But grandparents having to provide childcare or financial support is not.

Apparently, you can be old enough to have a baby, but not old enough to stop expecting help.

And also on MN, at 21 you don’t know these things for yourself. Apparently your mum needs to sit you down and tell you. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I had a baby at 21 and neither of my parents provided financial help or childcare. They’ve always played an active part in my Ds’s life of course, but only at the level you would normally expect for a grandparent.

If you let them live in the flat you're inviting a world of trouble. Don't do it. They need to approach housing authorities. She also needs to find out about benefits for when boyfriend gets bored and wanders off, so tenancy in her name only from the start.

For those who don't believe it can happen, I worked with a young woman who bought a house at a very young age, having worked part time and holidays from around the age of sixteen, all through university. She was sensible, methodical, well-organized and she and the man she married knew what they wanted. I found her admirable.

There is no issue at all allowing them to live in their flat as long as they pay the full market rate. It doesn’t sound like either owner planned to sell the place, so if the tennants do want to leave/agree to leave, then it’s essentially a secured tenancy for them, and they have to pay the full amount. The circles I grew up on, everyone has flats or homes bought for them by their parents and then we paid full rent. Nobody had any problems, no fallings out and no drama:

If they are mature enough to have a baby then they are mature enough to sort out the practical stuff themselves too.

Of course you will support and signpost, but I would be quite careful here or there is a risk they will end up dependent on you in various ways.

She's your DD and I am not suggesting you just tell her to crack on solo, but she does need to understand that shit gets real when you have a kid and the buck stops with her and her partner.

There is no issue at all allowing them to live in their flat as long as they pay the full market rate.

There really is. 'Your dad won't throw us out if we don't pay.' 'Mum, I'm short at the moment, can I miss this month's rent?' 'Your grandchild will have nowhere to live if you evict me!'.

I guess that speaks to the calibre of your friends. Because, as I said, it was the norm amongst mine. All of us gainfully employed or self employed (actually self employed with an income, not pretending to be) and rent always paid. Up until we all moved on and bought our own places or bought from parents.

At 21 they should be grown up enough to sort out their living circumstances and arrangements. Yes help them along the way but I think you need to let them look at options / benefits etc themselves. If the can't do that for themselves being a parent will be a very big shock.

My experience is that 21-year-olds these days are more like 18-year-olds. ( the pandemic fallout maybe). My DD is 23 and there is no way she could handle a baby. Which is why I am advising her on foolproof contraception and not encouraging her to think that a baby with no money is a "valid" choice in 2024. Years ago maybe.

I guess that speaks to the calibre of your friends

😂Try harder.

Based on decades of life experience.

Mumsnet is full of women trying to validate their decision to leave having kids to the very upper end of child bearing age as the right one. But a 21 year old is an adult and their decision to have a baby is valid.

I’ve never met anyone who wished their parents had been older, better yes, but young does equal useless. I have however met many people who wished their parents were younger. They could have been lovely, loving parents who provided a loving and stable home, but the kids still wished they were younger.

OPs dd needs to step up to the challenge as an adult and get things as sorted as she can ready for the baby. OP should offer guidance and support but her dd needs to be the one who’s running around getting things in place. At 21 she should be more than capable and if she’s not then she’s not ready to be a parent. We need to stop pretending that 21 year olds are still children, they’re not. Being a young parent is brilliant if you put in the work and take ownership of your life and your decisions.

I wonder if I’m years to come there will be a flip to people having kids younger again as all the children of much older parents decide that it’s not what they want for their kids. My youngest sister is one of those who feels she really missed out by having older parents and despite being career minded is planning her first before she’s 30.

I was 18 when I had a baby. It's going to be tough for them OP, I'm not going to lie. They will be able to get UC but they aren't going to be living a life of luxury. Her employment opportunities will be scarce. I am 34 now and I've been limited over the years, I'm only on a £24k wage now.

If that's directed at me @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname didn't leave my decision to have kids to the last minute. I was 28. But I also could support them and we both had jobs. And weren't relying on parents.

OP you sound nice. Help them but don’t rescue them, they’re adults and they’re going to be parents so need to stand on their own two feet.