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AIBU?

21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

539 replies

MacciesApplePie · 02/02/2024 21:48

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

487 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
44%
You are NOT being unreasonable
56%
Ponoka7 · 02/02/2024 22:09

Citizens advice on the rental situation. The DWP will pay rent on a property owned by family under some circumstances. He will need to rethink his work over winter and there will be jobs available. So any other benefits depend on if they are going to live together and his income. He needs to make sure that he is paying class two NI contributions. You need to decide how much practical help you are willing to give and be straight about it. My DD had her unplanned first at eighteen. We are now ten year and two GC down the line and things have gone well.

Got2getout · 02/02/2024 22:13

Use the website ‘entitled to’ for benefits calculations.

I think they can rent from you but it must be at full market rate with a formal tenancy agreement - but double check this with Citizens Advice or your local council.

Wheresmykitten · 02/02/2024 22:18

They can rent from you as mentioned but all needs to be done properly at the full rate (you can always give them some of it back between yourselves ) think how you can help eg childcare so she can go to work if she wants to. I’m pretty sure she will get benefits to stay with her child until child is 3 (if that’s what she wants and doesn’t want to use childcare)then will have to look for part time work.

Purpleturtle45 · 02/02/2024 22:24

They are better to contact Shelter rather than citizens advice, they are much more knowledgeable on tenancy related matters. There are definitely rules about renting family. There is a Tenancy Matters UK group.oj FB which is incredibly helpful with extremely knowledgeable admin.

crumblingschools · 02/02/2024 22:30

Is the property being used at the moment?

If they think they are old enough to have a baby maybe they need to step up more to support themselves

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2024 22:31

In all honesty if you want to help them all you can then I think a frank talk about whether they can afford to support a baby is needed. Your young daughter is not married to this guy and is on a zero hours contract so likely extremely financially vulnerable. Being a good parent is not just blindly approving and encouraging all decisions your child makes.

I think you need to be focussing and advising on the long term implications of this situation instead of trying to work out how the benefits system can pay for your investment property, which comes with a whole host of its own problems.

OurfriendsintheNE · 02/02/2024 22:39

Helping them out with the flat if you can sounds like a good idea. I would gently warn you off doing their homework for them on the benefits though. They’re going to have to quickly get used to shouldering adult responsibilities and as much as you want to support them you don’t want to get into a pattern of sorting things out for them. They’ll need time to really get their heads round things if it’s still quite recent news to them and then they can sort out the money aspect.

Jk987 · 02/02/2024 23:21

Does her boyfriend work? What support is he and his parents offering? It's not all down to you and your daughter.

Sceptre86 · 03/02/2024 00:06

I'd be focused on getting them to consider all their options and whether going ahead is the right decision for them. If they decide to go ahead then they'll need to grow up quickly. Yes of course where possible it sounds like you will help but ultimately having a baby is a huge responsibility and really theirs alone. Benefits might help in the short term but how are they going to improve their prospects?

kkloo · 03/02/2024 00:09

Jk987 · 02/02/2024 23:21

Does her boyfriend work? What support is he and his parents offering? It's not all down to you and your daughter.

They could make all the promises in the world and then the baby arrives and they provide no support whatsoever.

TheBeesKnee · 03/02/2024 00:14

It's very tempting to swoop in and save the day, but I'd leave them to it. They're old enough to get pregnant, they're old enough to Google what they're entitled to!

A cynical part of me wonders if they did this on purpose to "get" the family flat.

PeopleAreWeird · 03/02/2024 00:15

She’s 21 which is not young …

Let them sort it themselves

A Gardener is normally on good money so they wont get the rent paid by the benefit system
They ‘May’ be able to get some top ups by Universal Credit

They are adults - Who have ‘chosen’ to keep the baby, You should really let them sort it out

tolerable · 03/02/2024 00:17

Congratulations! !..i get its a shock but your mumming instincts kickt in wi practicality(fab)take a wee minute and remember- youze are gony have a baby!!!.yipee.
21 is young,but i was that age(my ds1 now 28,went uni,has a fab job and all good/tho no easy road maybe)
you can maybe(defo here-contact local council "benefit advisor".that will be able to advise finances/housing benefits n prob even social housing options.
ULTIMATELY. Your daughter n man are adults. this is on them.DO NOT stress. that helps nobody.take time to adjust to the news.xxx

theduchessofspork · 03/02/2024 00:21

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2024 22:31

In all honesty if you want to help them all you can then I think a frank talk about whether they can afford to support a baby is needed. Your young daughter is not married to this guy and is on a zero hours contract so likely extremely financially vulnerable. Being a good parent is not just blindly approving and encouraging all decisions your child makes.

I think you need to be focussing and advising on the long term implications of this situation instead of trying to work out how the benefits system can pay for your investment property, which comes with a whole host of its own problems.

I’d agree

It’s absolutely her choice, but being a proper parent, or friend, involves being honest about the big things - you need to make sure she’s thought about the reality of this before she finally calls it. You can do this in a supportive way - but it’s much kinder and more loving than not making sure she’s really thought properly.

MissTrip82 · 03/02/2024 00:24

I think a frank talk about the high risk of raising this child in poverty is needed. What was your daughter’s plan to support herself? She’s presumably been out of school for a few years, and her goal is presumably not a zero hours contract. What training or work was she intending to do to support herself for the rest of her life? My focus would be on supporting her to continue to achieve that and gain some financial security for herself and her child.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/02/2024 00:28

Do you actually have a flat or 50% of a flat ? as you say it is shared with dh's brother.

and it already has tenants ? who is receiving the rent ?

If you give your tenants notice and they don't want to leave then you would need to evict the tenants and it could take months for them to go.

Make sure the tenancy is in your daughter's name, you do not want them splitting up and he decides to throw your daughter out ! then she and child are homeless - whilst you take months to go thru the legal process to get him out.

Notalldogs23 · 03/02/2024 00:32

I think 21 is very young to be a parent - what would she do if they split up and he didn't provide any support? The odds aren't really in her favour.

If she goes ahead and they rent your flat, can you put just her name on the rental agreement, so if they did split up she'd be able to get him out of the flat.

Babyroobs · 03/02/2024 01:00

They may not qualify for any Uc until the baby is born. If they do qualify for UC once the baby is born then self employment can be tricky and he can be treated as earning his minimum income floor even if he doesn't. Maybe they could stay where they are until the baby is born and save as much as possible. You say she is on a zero hours contract but does she regularly get a decent amount of hours?

Caerulea · 03/02/2024 01:27

So you're going to be a grandmother! Congratulations 🎉

Not got any financial advice, just wanted to make sure there was a positive voice here. I had my first at 22, as did my mum & my eldest son just had his first (he was 21, now 22) & I've never seen him so happy! They are a sweet, happy (tired!) couple who adore each other & are head over heels with their baby. Their marital status has zero to do with their ability to parent or how much love they have to give. Money isn't easy but they cope, cos they have each other & family on both sides to support them.

Good luck to you all

WandaWonder · 03/02/2024 01:31

PeopleAreWeird · 03/02/2024 00:15

She’s 21 which is not young …

Let them sort it themselves

A Gardener is normally on good money so they wont get the rent paid by the benefit system
They ‘May’ be able to get some top ups by Universal Credit

They are adults - Who have ‘chosen’ to keep the baby, You should really let them sort it out

I don't disagree with you but it would be easy to say let them sort it out but how many grand parents have to end up helping raise the grand kids or become permanent childcare?

Frangipanyoul8r · 03/02/2024 02:01

They are adults and about to start a family, they need to be working out their finances by themselves in detail.

thebestinterest · 03/02/2024 02:06

Ayyy here we go again 😭😫 another young woman choosing to follow through with a pregnancy she can’t afford, that will likely land her in an extremely vulnerable position. Why? 😭

Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 03:51

Op why haven’t you talked through the consequences and impact to your dds life? A life on benefits at 21 is going to be no walk in the park, tough and miserable and having a baby is extremely hard work and probably not what she imagines. She may well end up a single mother statistically.

I wouldn’t be providing solutions so quickly and would encourage her to have a rethink: she has no security whatever and is highly vulnerable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2024 04:37

If they think they are old enough to have a baby maybe they need to step up more to support themselves

Remove the word "maybe" from that sentence and it is pretty much perfect.

Step RIGHT back.

I suspect that their "Oh we can have our lovely little baby together!" will be based on assumptions about support/financial help from you and his parents.

You would be doing them the best favour in the world to say "OK, so where will you live and how will you support yourselves? Have you put yourselves on the list for social housing?" and see what their reaction is. If its "This is our plan....XYZ" then good, even if you can see the flaws in their plan you can then help them fill in the gaps. If their reaction is "Well we can live in Grans old flat for a few years and then.....[insert pie in the sky]" shut that down FAST.

I was a young mother who would have succeeded a hell of a lot younger than I did had my (control freak) mother not swooped in and taken over and then, a few years later decided I was to dependent and slagged me off for not coping.....I didnt cope because I was never allowed to learn how to!

Supportive does not mean doing it for them.

KimberleyClark · 03/02/2024 04:49

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2024 22:31

In all honesty if you want to help them all you can then I think a frank talk about whether they can afford to support a baby is needed. Your young daughter is not married to this guy and is on a zero hours contract so likely extremely financially vulnerable. Being a good parent is not just blindly approving and encouraging all decisions your child makes.

I think you need to be focussing and advising on the long term implications of this situation instead of trying to work out how the benefits system can pay for your investment property, which comes with a whole host of its own problems.

I agree with this. They should be thinking about what they actually have to offer a child and be discouraged from thinking you will take care of everything while they play mummies and daddies. It’s a tough world.

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