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AIBU?

21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

539 replies

MacciesApplePie · 02/02/2024 21:48

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

487 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
44%
You are NOT being unreasonable
56%
Coconutter24 · 03/02/2024 07:44

MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:31

@Coconutter24 i cross posted and my comment wasn’t aimed at you
I am going to tell her to look all of this up and I don’t want to take over as they need to be responsible

That sounds like the best way forward, it is their responsibility to arrange and sort their finances and jobs. I’m sure you will be a great support to her.

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Workhardcryharder · 03/02/2024 07:45

thebestinterest · 03/02/2024 02:06

Ayyy here we go again 😭😫 another young woman choosing to follow through with a pregnancy she can’t afford, that will likely land her in an extremely vulnerable position. Why? 😭

?! They both work! 2 working parents SHOULD be able to afford a baby! The fact they may need some help is a reflection on employers/cost of living and not them! Check your privilege

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TheMarzipanDildo · 03/02/2024 07:46

Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 07:37

Are they both working now? Full time? Why is your dd taking zero hour contacts when there are millions of jobs being advertised.

Clearly this isn’t the time to bring a baby into the world. It’s not unfortunate timing, it is downright irresponsible!

There aren’t millions of jobs being advertised. It’s January ffs.

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Isitovernow123 · 03/02/2024 07:47

Passingthethyme · 03/02/2024 07:38

I think it's great that you're supportive of your daughter, but don't you think she deserves more? She's effectively going to ruin her life, she's so young to burden herself with so much responsibility. It's also so unfair to being a child into the world with so little prospects. You should do everything you can to ensure your daughter lives the best life she can, and this isn't it

Fml why such a condescending post? Why will she ruin her life? She should wait till she’s in her 30s and find out she can no longer conceive? Why so little prospects? Op hasn’t said what her qualifications are. She’ll be able to provide her child with love rather than palm them off to a nanny.

Who are you to decide what her best options for life are?

They are adults and they make their own decisions.

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misssunshine4040 · 03/02/2024 07:47

21 is a perfectly normal age to have a baby!
Presumably good health and optimal age for less complications etc.

She can achieve whatever she wants if she is determined to make it work. She can go back to full time education and then work full time in a profession if she likes.

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TheMarzipanDildo · 03/02/2024 07:48

TheMarzipanDildo · 03/02/2024 07:46

There aren’t millions of jobs being advertised. It’s January ffs.

Actually it’s February now isn’t it, but still.

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Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 07:48

I think you owe it to her to tell her this will irreparably alter her life forever almost certainly negatively. A life as a single mother on benefits is no picnic, which is undoubtably what she will become. She is so young, with her whole life ahead of her and decades to enjoy a planned pregnancy in the future.

As a minimum she won’t accuse you of not telling her the pitfalls when it inevitably goes horribly wrong.

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Blogswife · 03/02/2024 07:48

She needs to go to Citizens Advice , they will advise on housing & benefits and help her to claim

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Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 07:50

TheMarzipanDildo · 03/02/2024 07:48

Actually it’s February now isn’t it, but still.

There are currently 934,000 jobs vacancies as of today in the U.K.

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talksettings1 · 03/02/2024 07:52

PeopleAreWeird · 03/02/2024 00:15

She’s 21 which is not young …

Let them sort it themselves

A Gardener is normally on good money so they wont get the rent paid by the benefit system
They ‘May’ be able to get some top ups by Universal Credit

They are adults - Who have ‘chosen’ to keep the baby, You should really let them sort it out

I was just going to add something like this. They are adults planning to become parents, so should be ready to shoulder the responsibilities - including financial - that come with that. If you step in now planning their lives, finding out all of the information that they are perfectly capable of finding themselves, when will they ever stand on their own two feet?
I'd offer them the flat at a reasonable rent, but leave everything else to them. They are not children.

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butterflywingss · 03/02/2024 07:53

I also got pregnant when I was 21 years old and living at home and my then boyfriend (now husband) was living separately but didn't have the steadiest income and I was already job searching prior. I am not sure what country you are in but I am in the UK and I went to my local council and applied for housing and got approved. I also had housing benefits for a while until I got more financially stable and stopped. Maybe that could be an option for your daughter ? Wishing you all the best in this situation.

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honeyandfizz · 03/02/2024 07:57

My god OP poor you looking at the vile judgemental comments written here. I have a 20 yo DD and like you would try and fully support her a much as I could. I would not be bouncing off the walls with joy but I know a baby would be loved I am sure they will find their way. Ignore the negative comments - MN at its worst sadly.

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starbrit · 03/02/2024 07:57

I agree they are old enough to sort it out their entitlements themselves but agree with the posters who argue what kind of life your daughter is making for herself (she doesn't seem in a very secure position). Why is the state picking the bill up?

I think a tough chat needs to happen. The benefit system is there as a safety net, not as a choice.

I got pregnant at 20 with my partner (at the time he was the love of my life and my first proper boyfriend. I was excited about baby strollers and baby yoga etc. He was nervous but I talked him into how exciting g this would be and what great parents we would make. I worked in a restaurant and he was a labourer. We rented a small flat.

It was my Dad who took us both out for lunch and we had a long chat about everything and he said he would always be there for us but we were to think long and hard about this and the consequences of having the baby.

In the end, after more long talks with the bf, I terminated.

I actually felt quite liberated as I think I'd put a lot of pressure on myself to 'just get on with it'.

BF and I split up a couple of years later. I trained in law, still working in the restaurant and met my DH when I was in my late 20's. We got married when I was 33 and we have two girls now.

I have never regretted my decision. We couldn't afford to have a baby. I loved my bf, but would he have made a good dad? On reflection, absolutely not. We were both SO YOUNG. We had lots of growing up to do.

My dad and I have never spoken again about the pregnancy or that chat but I'll be forever grateful for the hard truths he told me that day.

I'm so grateful for my career and family now. I just know my ex and I would have really struggled to give the baby a decent life and for us to be comfortable and happy.

I know abortion isn't the right choice for everyone, but wanted to share my experience.

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NewDogOwner · 03/02/2024 07:58

You are not helping her prepare to be a mother by taking on this responsibility. Let her sort all her issues on her own but be there with advice and be an ear to listen. If she can't work things out on her own, she may rethink her decision; sorting out her own life, will help her prepare for being a mother.

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Futb0l · 03/02/2024 07:58

Honestly I'm always amazed when people make this choice.

I fell pregnant with my bf (now husband) at 22. I was in my first job (but it was well paid) he was still studying. He was supportive but we both agreed a termination was the right decision - we didn't have the means or stability to be good parents.

We got married a few years later and had eldest when I was 30 when we had just bought a family home. Now have two gorgeous kids, great jobs and a fabulous life. A baby at 22 would have completely ruined our prospects. Our relationship likely would not have survived.

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Sunnnybunny72 · 03/02/2024 07:58

Wheresmykitten · 02/02/2024 22:18

They can rent from you as mentioned but all needs to be done properly at the full rate (you can always give them some of it back between yourselves ) think how you can help eg childcare so she can go to work if she wants to. I’m pretty sure she will get benefits to stay with her child until child is 3 (if that’s what she wants and doesn’t want to use childcare)then will have to look for part time work.

He might want to stay with his child.
Why automatically the other way round?
Don't fall into the trap of your DD making all the sacrifices. As this relationship statistically won't go the distance, you need to try and ensure equal commitment, cost and responsibility from the word go so she's not left disadvantaged like millions of other women for the next 18 years.

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Passingthethyme · 03/02/2024 08:00

Isitovernow123 · 03/02/2024 07:47

Fml why such a condescending post? Why will she ruin her life? She should wait till she’s in her 30s and find out she can no longer conceive? Why so little prospects? Op hasn’t said what her qualifications are. She’ll be able to provide her child with love rather than palm them off to a nanny.

Who are you to decide what her best options for life are?

They are adults and they make their own decisions.

A 21yo should be living their life to the fullest, travelling and partying and being carefree before all that comes with a baby. I would be devastated if this were my DC, I wouldn't be encouraging it at all. It already sounds like they're relying in their parents as well as benefits so already on the backfoot. There's no point trying to sugar-coat it

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butterflywingss · 03/02/2024 08:01

On a separate note to people commenting and saying she is too young and being pregnant that young will ruin her life. You are very wrong!OP continue to support your daughter because things will work itself out eventually. I had my baby 'young' at the worst possible time but my child brought only great things to my life and today I have a very good and stable job, a stable home and a marriage. If she does end up becoming a single mum it's not the end of the world and I am certain her child will bring her many blessings also and things will work itself out. In my culture my whole family would have disowned me but I would never of thought to get rid of my baby for anyone or anything. All the best again

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makeanddo · 03/02/2024 08:02

I think in your position it would be easy to get too involved. That said I think I would be making it clear what childcare etc I was prepared to do.

I would also be in the background helping re benefits claims. I would be encouraging them to claim what they can/are entitled to. You are not responsible for them and anything extra you can give should be in addition, not in place of, what they can claim. They should be able to live in your flat and claim housing benefit for it if they are entitled to hb. You obvs need to be careful with the tenancy agreement situation.

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chantelion · 03/02/2024 08:03

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2024 22:31

In all honesty if you want to help them all you can then I think a frank talk about whether they can afford to support a baby is needed. Your young daughter is not married to this guy and is on a zero hours contract so likely extremely financially vulnerable. Being a good parent is not just blindly approving and encouraging all decisions your child makes.

I think you need to be focussing and advising on the long term implications of this situation instead of trying to work out how the benefits system can pay for your investment property, which comes with a whole host of its own problems.

This. If the immediate thing is look to see what benefits they can claim, that's not looking good is it?

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chantelion · 03/02/2024 08:04

PeopleAreWeird · 03/02/2024 00:15

She’s 21 which is not young …

Let them sort it themselves

A Gardener is normally on good money so they wont get the rent paid by the benefit system
They ‘May’ be able to get some top ups by Universal Credit

They are adults - Who have ‘chosen’ to keep the baby, You should really let them sort it out

Yes, why are you trying to sort out two adults life? They are big enough to make a baby, then big enough to google.

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talksettings1 · 03/02/2024 08:04

honeyandfizz · 03/02/2024 07:57

My god OP poor you looking at the vile judgemental comments written here. I have a 20 yo DD and like you would try and fully support her a much as I could. I would not be bouncing off the walls with joy but I know a baby would be loved I am sure they will find their way. Ignore the negative comments - MN at its worst sadly.

There is nothing bad about suggesting that if people are ready to take on the responsibility of bringing a child into the world, they should also be responsible enough to make a few phone calls and sort out how they are going to provide somewhere to live and finance their lives going forward.

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Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/02/2024 08:04

She’s 21, not 15. She’s an adult and she’s making an adult decision to keep the baby. This isn’t a problem for you to sort out, be kind, be supportive, talk things through with her, but be guided by her and please don’t take this all on as if it’s up to you. It’s not. If she isn’t able to do this for herself is she really ready to have a child?

for what it’s worth, at 21 I fell pregnant with my planned dd2. I already had a 2 year old, a house, a mortgage, a job and did not need any parental support beyond the norm for any person of any age having a baby. Let your dd be the adult she is, she isn’t a child and doing everything for her isn’t really helpful.

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WandaWonder · 03/02/2024 08:05

chantelion · 03/02/2024 08:03

This. If the immediate thing is look to see what benefits they can claim, that's not looking good is it?

No but it is normal for quite a bit of the population they will have kids who will go on to have kids from one benefit to the next and it goes on

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Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 03/02/2024 08:10

It’s not the path I would choose for my dds either but I was younger and it didn’t ruin my life at all. Actually, I wouldn’t want it for my dd1 as she would be devastated, dd2 would probably be ok and if she was ok I would be ok. We are all different, I’ve had a great life and have a degree and good career, I’ve travelled (with my dds) and we’ve grown up together. It’s actually been lovely and we have a very close relationship. I found parenting easier that most of my friends who waited until the “right” time. So don’t feel sorry for them. For some people it’s the right thing and works out really well.

But the OP does need to actually treat her adult dd like an adult. The fact she doesn’t seem to be able to worries me more than her dds age.

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