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AIBU?

21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

539 replies

MacciesApplePie · 02/02/2024 21:48

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/02/2024 06:40

Isitovernow123 · 03/02/2024 06:32

Then I think you need to relook at where you are getting your information to make that uninformed decision.
Lots have people have used benefits in the past and it is most certainly not a lifestyle choice. It’s a means to an end.

I'm basing this on people I know in my own family. I appreciate not everyone is like that, hence my comment re safety net (and a safety net is a good thing)

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YouJustDoYou · 03/02/2024 06:54

She's 21 - THEY need to be looking all this up, not you fgs. If you do all this for them how on earth are they going to look after themselves let alone a new life?

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Pipsickle3 · 03/02/2024 06:55

They need to go on the entitled to website. For benefit advice. I’m not sure if you housing them will be wise, depending how good they are with money. She may not be entitled to maternity allowance if she has only just started a job. I’m not sure how that works. He may be better as an employee so that his money is consistent.

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MysticalMegx · 03/02/2024 07:00

It's not the end of the world because she's in a zero hour job, she can still go to college and train while pregnant so that has qualifications when she is able to work after she's had the baby.

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Alwaysalwayscold · 03/02/2024 07:07

Why are you talking like she's 15, not 21?

They're adults who are choosing to start a family. They need to deal with it, not you.

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Gettingbysomehow · 03/02/2024 07:10

I had a baby at 21 too. No relatives in the country and boyfriend not interested. I had nobody. I was half way through my nurses training.
I went back to my nurses training weeks after he was born.
I rented a flat from the hospital and had a local childminder. Nice lady who only looked after three children..
I finished my training and three years later bought my first home.
It was extremely hard work but DS and I are inseperable now.

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YogiYogiBear · 03/02/2024 07:10

Congratulations OP. Hopefully they get permanent jobs sorted soon as that will be a big help. No point looking into benefits ect till they know what job they will be in.

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Shoppingfiend · 03/02/2024 07:11

Isn't it simpler to continue renting out the flat and to let the DD and her partner look for accommodation and claim benefits to help. Surely your DBIL and DS will be put out by letting DD use it.

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Troublee · 03/02/2024 07:14

What are the benefits you can see of your unmarried 21 year old daughter without a career or eduction or training plans - raising a baby in poverty and reliant majorly on benefits from the get go?

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LakieLady · 03/02/2024 07:20

UC will include housing costs when renting from family providing it is a genuine business arrangement. As you and your brother have been letting the property for some time, I think that should satisfy them that it's a genuine tenancy.

However, with self-employment and a zero-hours contract UC will fluctuate considerably as their earnings will vary, and as a PP mentioned upthread, in months when his income is low, they may apply the minimum income floor and treat them as though he had earned considerably more. It makes it very difficult to manage, as you can never be sure how much money you'll get.

Personally, I think they're crazy to start a family in these circumstances and when they're both so young.

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104c · 03/02/2024 07:21

Why in the world do they need benefits? If she's a waitress she likely works evenings, weekend nights etc and him days as a gardener - so just work childcare around each other? yes both need enough hours but no reason to give up and claim benefits just maybe worth getting a second bartending job etc in case of not many hours at the restaurant? There are two of them both capable of work!! No reason whatsoever why benefits are needed

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MuthaHubbard · 03/02/2024 07:27

I became first time mum 9 days after my 21st birthday. Part of that decision to have my DS included finding a place to live, sorting benefits etc. Ex DH job meant he was away when working, home on rest days. Having made that choice, I had to get on with it. My DM helped where she could with a little babysitting here and there but that was all I expected. It wasn't easy but I got on with it and it actually made me 'adult' - thinking about it now it probably contributed hugely to who/how I am now

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Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 07:28

104c · 03/02/2024 07:21

Why in the world do they need benefits? If she's a waitress she likely works evenings, weekend nights etc and him days as a gardener - so just work childcare around each other? yes both need enough hours but no reason to give up and claim benefits just maybe worth getting a second bartending job etc in case of not many hours at the restaurant? There are two of them both capable of work!! No reason whatsoever why benefits are needed

Quite.it sounds like the perfect childcare arrangement

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Coconutter24 · 03/02/2024 07:28

I was pregnant with my first at 21, I was working, my bf was working. We moved in together and just made it work. Your DD is the one who needs to be looking up benefits but also would be advisable to look for a more financially secure work contract. What does her bf do during winter for work does he still have work to do? You need to be more of an emotional support tbh you don’t need to be the one trying to organise and find out what’s available. They are going to be parents so they need to sort the finances out for themselves. Of course you want to help but you shouldn’t be doing everything they need to see the reality of being a grown up with a baby

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MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:29

I was expecting negative comments, although the positive and helpful far outweigh them thank you.
To the posters saying let them get on with it. It’s a massive thing, I thought any decent parent would want to try and support and offer help.
To the benefit bashers. Isn’t it good that we are all in the fortunate position to not have to claim benefits. My daughter will certainly not be looking to take the piss out of it. They are both hard working young adults who have lost their jobs and the pregnancy is unfortunate timing, but here we are. I’m asking about benefits so we can consider all of their options.
im thinking about our flat as they aren’t really in a good position to be privately renting.
If they get jobs then they may be in a position to raise a mortgage for 75% (BIL 50%, my son 25%, and gift them 25%) and therefore not need to be taking up a council house.

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mponder · 03/02/2024 07:31

Could they not mad in with you for a while so they can save.

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MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:31

@Coconutter24 i cross posted and my comment wasn’t aimed at you
I am going to tell her to look all of this up and I don’t want to take over as they need to be responsible

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notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 07:32

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2024 22:31

In all honesty if you want to help them all you can then I think a frank talk about whether they can afford to support a baby is needed. Your young daughter is not married to this guy and is on a zero hours contract so likely extremely financially vulnerable. Being a good parent is not just blindly approving and encouraging all decisions your child makes.

I think you need to be focussing and advising on the long term implications of this situation instead of trying to work out how the benefits system can pay for your investment property, which comes with a whole host of its own problems.

I disagree - this is an area you should absolutely not make any attempt to influence the decision making. This is a key life decision, and it is crucial the OPs daughter makes the right decision for her. Or she will regret it forever, and hate her parents that put pressure on her.

For some women, abortion is never going to be an option.

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whowhatwerewhy · 03/02/2024 07:32

I think the best help you can give would be to let them sort things out themselves.
You can advise on looking for accommodation, looking into benefits, telling her employers, maternity pay ect . But ultimately they will be responsible for a new life and all everything associated with that .

If you rent your flat out to her at reduced rates would you be able to do the same for your DS if he decides to start a family? I only ask as I treat both my children the same and wouldn't like to think my DD is living rent free and can't do the same for DS.

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Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 07:32

MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:29

I was expecting negative comments, although the positive and helpful far outweigh them thank you.
To the posters saying let them get on with it. It’s a massive thing, I thought any decent parent would want to try and support and offer help.
To the benefit bashers. Isn’t it good that we are all in the fortunate position to not have to claim benefits. My daughter will certainly not be looking to take the piss out of it. They are both hard working young adults who have lost their jobs and the pregnancy is unfortunate timing, but here we are. I’m asking about benefits so we can consider all of their options.
im thinking about our flat as they aren’t really in a good position to be privately renting.
If they get jobs then they may be in a position to raise a mortgage for 75% (BIL 50%, my son 25%, and gift them 25%) and therefore not need to be taking up a council house.

You seem to be saying they have additionally BOTH lost their jobs? How can they possibly be responsible for a tiny human being for two decades if they can’t even hold down a job?

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MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:34

@Newchapterbeckons cant hold down jobs? I clearly said they got made redundant from the same company.

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InSpainTheRain · 03/02/2024 07:36

I think you need to step right back and ensure she and her bf take responsibility. They have chosen to keep the child, they need to step up and act responsibility. They should be sitting down and working out what benefits they are entitled to together and how they pay for their rent.

The choice about keeping the baby is of course her, but she needs to take full responsibility for it. If she thinks it through she may find it's not quite as fun and cosy as she thought. Is the bf likely to stick around? Harsh reality of life.

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Newchapterbeckons · 03/02/2024 07:37

MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:34

@Newchapterbeckons cant hold down jobs? I clearly said they got made redundant from the same company.

Are they both working now? Full time? Why is your dd taking zero hour contacts when there are millions of jobs being advertised.

Clearly this isn’t the time to bring a baby into the world. It’s not unfortunate timing, it is downright irresponsible!

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Passingthethyme · 03/02/2024 07:38

MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:29

I was expecting negative comments, although the positive and helpful far outweigh them thank you.
To the posters saying let them get on with it. It’s a massive thing, I thought any decent parent would want to try and support and offer help.
To the benefit bashers. Isn’t it good that we are all in the fortunate position to not have to claim benefits. My daughter will certainly not be looking to take the piss out of it. They are both hard working young adults who have lost their jobs and the pregnancy is unfortunate timing, but here we are. I’m asking about benefits so we can consider all of their options.
im thinking about our flat as they aren’t really in a good position to be privately renting.
If they get jobs then they may be in a position to raise a mortgage for 75% (BIL 50%, my son 25%, and gift them 25%) and therefore not need to be taking up a council house.

I think it's great that you're supportive of your daughter, but don't you think she deserves more? She's effectively going to ruin her life, she's so young to burden herself with so much responsibility. It's also so unfair to being a child into the world with so little prospects. You should do everything you can to ensure your daughter lives the best life she can, and this isn't it

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MacciesApplePie · 03/02/2024 07:38

I am going to sit down with her today and have a good chat about how her life is going to be turned upside down and a lot of it is not going to be fun.
I will also have make notes from the helpful posters about where she should start looking if she decides keeping it is definitely what she wants.

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