Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

Has she?? She never mentioned it... 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I agree with the posters saying they’d never heard of the inviter duty-bound to pay for everyone invited. Or having to officially announce how the bill will be paid beforehand etc, unless you’re out with ppl who always want to split the bill and proceed to order the most expensive food and drink that everyone else has to cough up for even if they’re not drinking alcohol - just no. But if your SIL is jealous, that’s probably why she was happy to let you pay and not bother thanking you. Was it an expensive restaurant that was out of their price range? Maybe she saw it as a display of your wealth and status if you’ve recently bought a boat. That’s not to say she’s justified, obviously. Agree also, bit awkward if you’re happy to pay for 2 sets of parents but not them. That means they’re the only party that haven’t been included. Next time I guess you’ll have to enquire how ppl want to split the bill after you’ve invited them. If they can’t afford it they’ll decline your invitation.

I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.
this makes no sense. Surely you just made it 100 times more awkward.

But eating out in a restaurant is a lot more expensive per head than how much food each person would consume in your home surely? I always thought inviting ppl to restaurants was an excuse for everyone to enjoy a treat in a different setting or to celebrate an occasion. Also, inviting ppl to your home is a completely different atmosphere to a restaurant and unless you have a real interest in preparing and presenting food to restaurant standard, it’s going to be more relaxed and informal. In most cases anyway. I don’t think it follows that you are duty-bound to pay bc you suggest eating in a different setting. If ppl can’t afford it or don’t like the venue they can turn the invitation down.

That's normal in my family.

Ship happens 🤷‍♀️

Oh I’ve been here. Got stung for a painfully expensive one last year and frankly disgusted with “family” over it. Do they have you pegged as a higher earner? No DC to pay for? Oh bingo then you’re the mug who can afford it in their minds.
You might have to lose this round but don’t put your hand in your pocket in future and if future events are to be split I’d quietly find a way to say “oh but I thought given…”.

If you invite family to a special family birthday meal you do normally pay as you are the host, unless you make it clear in advance that you can’t afford it. But relations normally say thank you at the time and a thank you card afterwards etc.

I think this is a problem of your own making. If you don't want to settle the whole bill, don't settle the whole bill!

In my family, whoever reaches for the bill first pays (and only the ones who can afford it are expected to reach for the bill). Thanks are assumed. You can assume thanks with family.

How strange….so you wouldn’t say thank you?

That's an astonishingly entitled attitude

If you slip off discreetly to pay the bill away from the table it means you’re paying. If you want to split the bill you get it at the table and each pay by whatever means is your preference. Surely that part at least is universal? They potentially have thanked your dh when they realised you were away paying? I wouldn’t generally expect family to pay if I invited them out for a birthday

You purchased your own boat and your DH's sister is jealous, so she instigated the whole family's refusal to offer payment or say thank you when you paid for a family birthday meal? I think that's a bit of a reach.

You wanted to be 'subtle' by sneaking off and paying everything, so they were being 'subtle' by letting you get on with it. I think they were extremely rude not to have thanked you, but as you invited them maybe they thought you wanted to treat them?

There are 2 things you can do, ask in retrospect for payment off them, or ignore it and do not pay for anything for them ever again. Can you afford to lose the money this once?

You say that, but in the same scenario as OP describe I've been roundly rebuffed by people slipping away to pay!
I'd give people the benefit of the doubt unless they have a history of being CF's. You should always mention cost etc in advance.
They should have thanked her, but the 'discreetly' makes it seem like OP doesn't want a, erm, fuss.
Otherwise... why didn't she pay in front of everyone else? Why the need for such secrecy and discretion?
Also maybe they were expecting to be sent the bill later?

FYI I ALWAYS ask about money upfront to avoid all this hassle. Not just to avoid appearing entitled but also because I refuse to pay for any CF's that order lots of expensive stuff and insist on an even bill split.

Why? Op chose to pay, and didn't ask for any reimbursement.
Where's the entitlement?

It sounds as though they think you’re minted and have assumed the meal was on you.

Stealth boast 😂
What happens if they invite you out, do they pay?

I can understand them not offering in this instance-you invited them and you went off and paid.

What I can’t understand is why no one thanked you; that’s fucking rude

Snorted a bubble out my nose at the boat bit 😂

In my family 9 out of 10 times I pay just because I'm in a better financial situation and they would not be able to pay even just themselves. I take them out a few times per year. But they always thank me. Sometimes even a follow up thank you text. Saying thank you is free. I'd be irritated by the no thank you. If they can afford it next time make it clear separate checks.

I think I would have asked about my share of the bill - but TBH by going off quietly and paying it, that's kind of indicating you're taking care of it.
how would it have been embarrassing for the waiter to turn up and the bill be split three ways?

Why would it be a treat for your dh that you paid for your parents meal? Am sure he'd rather his sibling came to a birthday meal than your family?

Not necessarily.

As I said, we don't say thank you for settling the bill in my family. We're transparent about money (because we're family) so it's known who the higher earners are and that they can afford it.

If the ones who never pay had to say thank you all the time, that would feel bloody weird. They don't pay because they can't afford to pay, and it would be weird to make them acknowledge all the time that they're poor.

To us, family means taking care of each other, whether that's silently settling the bill or bringing someone painkillers when they're poorly sick. You just get on with it in whatever capacity you can manage. 🤷‍♀️

Of course we thank friends and strangers, but within our little family circle, the thank you is always assumed and not spoken. Different families have different cultures/norms.

@StarlightLime I wasn't calling OP entitled. I was responding to a PP

I keep reading the posts in between the ops first and second one to see if anyone said 'did you just buy a boat?' As otherwise I cannot fathom how that was a follow up post for context.