Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

This has happened to me before. I sent a message to everyone saying that I found it odd and hurtful that no one even considered how the bill had been paid and just left without paying. A few were sheepish and half heartedly offered some cash.
I tend to be generous generally, way too generous really.
I have realised that if you repeatedly pay or take responsibility for the bill people just expect it, become entitled. and are not grateful. I’m trying to stop being the first one to get the round, to cover the bills or be the one that always pays more. People just take you for a mug. I’m sorry that happened to you and I felt exactly as you did.

What's that got to do with anything?

Take them for a ride then.

1. How do you fancy us all going out to celebrte dh's birthday? We quite like xxxxxxxxxx but are open to suggestions xx#
2. Please come and join us at Luigi's to velebrate DH's birthday xx

Number 1, everyone pays for themselves, number 2 you have i
nvited them so you expect to pay in lieu of having them round to your house. Obviously either way, good manners on the part of your guests are expected.

It's my 60th this week. We re eating out on Saturday with 4dcs and their partners. I am expecting to pay as I am inviting them. Or dh will pay - same thing. I know they will all say thank you.

Generally at the end of a meal, we'd all sort out payment. Sometimes it's indivudual, sometimes we just split, sometimes one person pays and we all transfer money to them.
If someone snuck of and paid the bill, I'd assume they wanted to pay. Of course, I'd say thank you but the bill taken care of with no discussion? At worst, they have dreadful manners 🤷‍♀️
Or are seething with jealousy at the boat 😂

Unless otherwise stated UP FRONT, the person doing the inviting to a celebratory gathering like that is expected to cover the cost. Your only mistake was in not doing so when you invited them. In the future, make it clear from the outset, and, when ordering, say, "We'd like separate checks, please."

No it isnt
It is a perfectly normal response

You are invited out.
You see the spouse of the invitee paying
No bill comes to the table and no discussion about paying

You say happy birthday, see you soon , thanks to the birthday person a you leave.
You don't thank their spouse who paid the bill as you expect finances to be joint and it isnt their birthday

I was going to say it was weird no one offered to pay or thank you.

However after the boat comment clearly they think you are loaded and good to pick up the tab. They didn’t thank you because either they think it’s no big deal to you or they think you were showing off by paying?

I would have assumed it was on you as you didn't mention money and paid discreetly... however now I see you have a boat I can see it from your perspective... she clearly should have said how much is our share. I can totally relate as my sil did the same as soon as she found out we had bought a hot tub from a fella on fb marketplace that was it expected to pay for all her mc donalds or kfc when we invite her.

Whenever we’ve been for a meal with anyone else we just tend to automatically split it. Unlike the time my DH for his birthday suggested his Dad just take him out for lunch as his present. When it came to the bill though his Dad thanked him for taking him out for lunch! So poor DH had to buy his own birthday lunch and his Dads!

In the past though, to make it clear it wasn’t a free meal, we usually say to people we’re off out for a meal and they can join us if they like, making a point of the saying the prices are reasonable so that’s usually a good enough hint. Also for my job I sometimes meet people in cafes, so I’m always very careful about how I word them getting a drink themselves so they don’t think I’m footing the bill myself. Still think you should have been thanked though, that’s pretty rude.

This ^

I think this is a problem of your own making. If you don't want to settle the whole bill, don't settle the whole bill!

and this ^

Though, with the comments about the boat, and then the castle, I presume this is just to be considered a wind up now ?

They didn’t just buy a boat, they purchased it.

Op, does your husband work for Radio Norwich by any chance?

So your loaded? Guessing there's a family expectation you and dh would pay

No OP you are definitely not being unreasonable!!!

I would feel very hurt by this. Its a very kind suggestion to cover the bill and (even if expected) I would be upset no one thanked me for it. It’s basic manners. And no, in this scenario I wouldn’t be expecting the hosts to pay. People that say differently are either trolling or lacking manners 😞

When I invite people out for a celebratory meal I pay. I don't think they were being cheeky. You absolutely should have made it clear if you wanted them to pay

It’s never occurred to me anyone might be jealous of me, I find jumping to that really odd.

Regardless, very rude not to thank you even if their expectation was that you’d pay.

Honestly🤣

You paid and then never brought up splitting it! You're in the wrong

I voted YANBU purely because no one thanked you, which seems very rude.

In my family (and friendship circles) we all chip in - unless it's been made clear beforehand that someone is treating everyone else. But other families/groups of friends do things differently, as this thread (and many others) makes clear.

What's happened with previous family meals out, OP? That should have given you a heads up.

Loved the nautical plot twist 😂

You invited people to join you to celebrate DH’s birthday. Thats accepted that you are paying, unless specifically stated otherwise.

I voted YABU as your OP doesn't make it clear what had been said about payment for the meal.
Maybe they thought as you'd invited them and hadn't mentioned costs it had been paid for?

Ah, ok

I guess it’s different for everyone as anytime I’ve been invited out for someone’s birthday celebration usually they don’t pay for theirs and everyone just chips in a bit extra to cover the cost of the birthday persons meal! Never heard of the person whose birthday it is is meant to cover the cost of everyone’s meal 😅😂

Surely it depends what normally happens in DH's family. I went for a meal with a similar group from my own family recently and DB paid for the whole meal, with us all knowing that the next time we do this, I will pay etc. etc.

Maybe your in laws have made an assumption that your arrangement works in a similar way.