Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

Out tonight for games and a meal with my partner and his family for brother in law's birthday. His mom paid, and we did offer to pay our and half of brother in laws. It's rude as an adult to assume people are paying for you.

It’s not a matter of assuming, it’s a matter of taking cues from the host.

An actual invitation (not a suggestion to ‘join us’) to family for a celebration like a birthday with no mention of cost, no mention of splitting the bill either before going, at the table on ordering or on receipt of the bill (which didn’t happen here because the OP made sure to pay ‘discreetly’ out of sight of the table before the bill could be presented), I would absolutely assume the host intended to pay.

In fact, everything the OP did was almost exactly what my Dad did for my Mum’s recent birthday (including slipping off to pay without comment).

I checked with him this evening since some of the ‘everyone in the world runs their lives exactly the way I and my family do and anyone suggesting anything else is wrong’ posters were so sure that everyone splits bills in every circumstance. He looked at me like I was mad and said of course he paid - it was his invite and therefore as the host, obviously he paid.

It’s not ‘rude to assume someone is paying’ when that person has done everything a person does when they intend to pay in full and nothing a person does when they want to split the bill, particularly with family.

Also, before anyone suggests I’m taking advantage, I also pay when I issue the invite.

Clearly, different social circles have different traditions about whether the host pays or the bill is shared / everyone pays for their own but it is a bit surprising that the OP has got so far as being married to her dh without encountering how they do 'paying for meals out together' before now.
However the act of 'discreetly going over and paying the bill' before the meal was over, is a very clear display to everyone at the table that you wanted to take care of the bill.
If you hadn't done that, then it is likely that, when people had finished their meal, someone would have said "Shall we get the bill then?" and someone would have said "Shall we work out what we've spent or are people happy to split per head?" BUT you didn't let it get to that point but somehow expect people to telepathically know that , by stepping in and covering the bill for everyone before it was even presented, you actually intended for them to know you wanted (only some of them) to pay their share ?

This is (used to be?) standard... The inviter was the host and would pay.

It's only more recently that paying for own meals has become a thing

I genuinely had never, ever heard of this until someone said it on mumsnet. Every meal I’ve ever been invited to or arranged in my life, everyone has paid their own share. Literally never happened to me IRL that the inviter paid and it’s not an assumption I’d ever make

But surely you can understand not every family / social circle is like yours?

It’s not the fact that some people do things differently, it’s the fact that some posters on this this thread seem to be genuinely incapable of understanding that the way they do things isn’t universal and incapable of understanding that just because someone acts differently to them, it doesn’t mean that person is automatically wrong.

I could understand it 40 or 50 years ago but I had thought that the internet meant people were less likely to think conduct in their own little echo chamber was universal. It’s been a revelation to realise that’s not the case!

You were silly.

They were rude.

Nobody is jealous of your boat.

I think it’s rude and incredibly entitled of them to accept this

Where is the thanks?

And I don’t, I think it’s normal. I’m just bemused at the people who think ‘not the way my family does it’ = ‘rude’.

Apart from anything else, classic etiquette says the host paying is correct!

They should have said thank you, of course but I do wonder what they said to the DH when the OP was away from the table.

Lack of thanks is definitely rude.

however, I wonder if there was genuinely lack of thanks? It would be extremely odd not to say "happy birthday and thanks for the meal" to DH when leaving.
Does OP just mean that no one specifically thanked her? Reasonable for the guests to think that thanking DH implicitly included thanking her.

You still say thank you, cheeky mare

I 100% agree with this. It just seems odd that no one related to either the OP or her DH did so. It’s why I’d like to know what was said to the DH when the OP was away from the table. I note he seems to think the OP is being unreasonable (or at least that’s what I take from them having ‘discussions’ about it).

Right but the fact OP was aggrieved at the lack of thanks or offers of money suggests it’s not the way she does it either!

But it’s not how she does it, it’s how everyone else at the table does it and all of them, apparently including her own parents and her DH apparently think it’s normal for the host to pay.

On top of that, she did nothing to suggest a split bill and took all the actions of someone who did intend to pay.

The whole situation is just strange and the OP ‘s belief that it’s all down to jealousy over a boat makes me wonder if she is one of those incredibly annoying people who deliberately sets out to appear a poor put upon martyr that everyone takes advantage of.

I’ve never been out for a meal and expected others to pick up the tab. I’ve organised meal events and everyone pays for themselves or if everyone has been drinking alcohol, the bill gets shared between however many people attended. I find it very bizarre that people would expect to be paid for

I find it bizarre how many people on this thread find it impossible to comprehend that not everyone does things the way they do.

I have no difficulty understanding that a lot of people split the bill. Why do so many people find it impossible to understand the reverse? It’s even the traditional rule of etiquette!

Do you socialise with a variety of people or the same group of people all the time?

lots of different ways of living and entertaining out there!

I have split the bill, paid for the birthday girl or boy and picked up the full tab. I have had meals paid for for me too.

at my thirtieth I picked up the drinks bill.

the world is an exciting and varied place full of people taking different approaches! Maybe you should expand your social circles😊

Or even don’t expand their social circles if they don’t want to but at least recognise that different social circles do things differently.

It’s not the fact that lots of people split the bill that I find baffling (I’ve been known to go to meals with friends where I pay for my own if that’s how the invitation reads), it’s the stunned shock at the idea the host might be expected to pay and insistence that anyone who doesn’t split the bill is somehow ‘rude’, ‘entitled’ or ‘bizarre’ (to quote only 3 ways it’s been described on this thread).

I find it audacious to think someone else will pay for you.

Just another hilarious MN thread of people who clearly have more money than sense 😆

And I find it completely pathetic that someone is incapable of understanding that different people do things differently so there you go.

Yep I actually posted this somewhere else on the internet and everyone said they would never expect the person to pay for them if invited out! Another “MN thing” that doesn’t happen irl 😂

And someone else who thinks that only their own experiences are ‘real life’ and is happy to pretend that other people’s lived experiences are somehow not real life. I feel deeply sorry for you - it’s such a pathetically limited way to live but I guess if never looking outside your little echo chamber makes you happy, you do you.

Never fails to entertain lol I only come for the comments and the occasional stir up 😁

As others have said, this is MN, where many grown adults will sit and expect to be paid for because someone invited them. 😂
I don't know anyone, myself included, who would be so cheeky as to assume someone inviting me meant they were paying. I would expect to be paying my share/an equal split of the bill.