Family didn’t pay

[LonelyonThames]

I’m in the middle of a discussion with my DH about the events of his birthday meal last week.

I had booked a table for my DH, his sister, her husband, their DC and our parents. Everyone had a good time and towards the end of the meal I felt worried that it would be awkward to sit and divide the bill up between such a large group. I went over and paid discreetly.

To my surprise, upon leaving not a single person asked whether the meal had been paid for. I felt very taken aback that nobody even thanked me for paying for the whole meal, let alone asking if they could contribute. No discussion about money was had prior to the meal.

AIBU in expecting my DH’s sister and husband to have at least asked about payment? I can understand our parents not asking or paying but don’t understand why his sibling wouldn’t enquire about the cost?

@shepherdsangeldelight My ds is that age and I wouldn't have a clue how him and his friends are working it out! He just tells me he's meeting friends for lunch as it's someone's birthday, then where they went and what he had.

I don't think young people are necessarily in social circles with others from the same background. My child's immediate social circle has two low income single parents and three middle class two parent households. More variation in the wider circle, including a previously looked after child.

I only know because DD has had a certain amount of angst about lots of birthdays all at once and how to afford them/what she's expected to pay for/whether she needs to transfer money between her bank accounts etc.

So I've started checking if she does have enough money, though I figure it's also a useful life lesson in budgeting and saying "no" if necessary.

Exactly - I think young people often mix with those from a variety of backgrounds (particularly if they go to comprehensive schools).

Adults tend to stick more to homogenous groups. Hence all the very polarised comments on this thread as many people seem unable to imagine that their social group is not representative of the entire country but likely to be more of an echo chamber.

Exactly this, I would always go with the expectation I was paying my share and, if no bill appeared on the table to divvy up i would say what are we doing about paying, other person would say my treat, I'd say are you sure, yes, well I'll leave a tip then but that's really generous of you thank you so much.

Not to say thank you is utterly unforgiveable - we split with friends but even then would always say thank you to the person who has arranged and booked.

Having said that, i have a parent who never ever pays when we go out for a meal, never enquires about the bill or says thank you. Now , we do ask her not the other way round but it really annoys me - but there are a lot bigger things that annoy me / chilhood trauma etc so I daren't open those floodgates!

If we’re invited for a meal, it wouldn’t cross our minds that the invitee is paying for everyone. Strange and entitled behaviour. Just text everyone with their share and your bank account details.

Wut?

It’s neither strange nor entitled if it’s normal in your social circles for a person inviting guests (particularly family) to a significant event (like a birthday) to pay.

I fully accept a lot of people don’t do this but a lot of people do which is why the host(ess) needs to make it clear which applies.

The OP (in not making it clear in the invitation, not mentioning splitting the bill when people are ordering and leaving the table to pay ‘discreetly’) has acted throughout as if she intends to pay in full and is now claiming to be shocked that her guests believed her.

I think it depends how old you are? I wouldn't invite family or anyone else to a birthday meal without paying but my dd in her 20's would. I can't believe they didn't thank either of you though.. that is beyond rude.

I'm afraid you dug your own hole here. You didn't want discussion of the bill. And that's exactly what you got!

If you invited me to a meal I would not expect to pay.

Depends on how you worded the invite. Mostly I would expect you to pay. If it was a sibling (unmarried and another sibling arranging it) I'd expect the whole family to contribute.

The person who invites pays unless they state on the invite or at the time of invite that the meal is on each person to pay for themselves. There is also usually a discussion of paying for the celebrant's meal collectively.

I think this all depends on how the invite went out.

did u make it clear if they came they would have to pay?

You invite, you pay. Rude if they didn’t say thank you but other than that it’s not odd at all.

I did that once and there was about 10 of us. I came back to the table and said the bill was sorted. Put a plate in the middle and said if you’d all like to put in for a tip. My partners side all looked at me as if I was mental and put in a pound per couple. The bill was £600 🙄😂🫣

Yeah but you could still send a quick text message or WhatsApp to say thanks for the meal, surely?

If you invite someone out for a meal, you should expect to pay. If two or more people discuss the idea of going out for a meal, everyone should agree to split the bill or pay individually. And let's face it - "You" did not pay for the meal. "You AND your husband" paid for the meal. And "You" independently made the decision to discreetly pay the bill, without even consulting your husband. If you all had a great evening you could afford, well done you for the organising. But I'd have more sympathy for the spouse whose partner invited a load of family to dinner, and then "discreetly" paid the entire bill, without checking with DH if he was in agreement with that. You're making all the decisions, as if no one else is affected, and then expecting a round of applause.

I would expect to pay if I invited someone. Depends on the wording of the invitation. I am planning my husband's milestone birthday and we will host.

I wouldn't just assume this. They could have paid from their own account and not from a joint.

I think it’s very cheeky!
we had the same years ago pre-kids. Nobodies birthday, just a get together arranged by SIL because everyone lives separately now. SIL booked restaurant for her parents (my ILs), her 6 kids, myself and husband and my other SIL and her kid. We didn’t even know about the meal until that morning. Anyway we went and everyone had 3 courses (no alcohol though) and when the bill came every fucker walked off for one reason or another (toilet, going to get the car etc) and my mug of a husband paid for it all! I said he best ask them all for their share (bear in my mind SIL who booked it is a family of 8 and they have a lot of money) - but he never did. Still pisses me off now years later.

He was a complete fool to pay it; you must know that?

@StarlightLime yes he very much was! Think he felt awkward that the waiter was hovering around waiting for payment and everyone else had left, so paid it. But why he never confronted all the CFs for doing a runner I’ll never know! Not like we are well off or take turns in paying. And they also never said thank you.

You pushed the boat out over the celebration meal and I think with it being family, they assumed you were just happy to do that. When we go out as a family, my Dad usually pays and settles it and it's the normal routine over our family. I probably would have taken it as read over inviting me that you wanted to pay when you got up and did it as otherwise the bill would be still kicking about around the table. I think this sort of thing depends on the norms and expectations of people in the group dynamic at hand and I think often family meals are different to groups of friends going out. Whilst I personally would always thank someone else for paying, I could also see it as awkward for others to do so when you took control, paid and didn't give really anyone else the choice to pay/offer.