Spends all his time with parent

[WhyWhyY]

Background, four years ago my husbands Dad died leaving behind his mum. His dad was very much the domesticated one so mum needs a bit of support which is fine.
However this has snowballed from support to daily excursions, weekly trips to her favourite bar where she goes with her friends every Friday and multiple holidays a year. Which me and the children don’t go on because they are pensioner holidays.

this has taken a huge toll on our relationship. Where we would normally talk or go out of an evening, he’s with his mother, where we would normally take our Childeren out for weekends away, we’re now not allowed to do that. Mum has to come with us on every meal out we may have and Mum is worked into every plan. Even to the point of apologising to mum if we go anywhere or talking down about it, if we even take a simple lunch out, as if it wasn’t a very good lunch and sorry mum!
mum is actually doing very well all things considered however this has now become my husbands full time occupation (on top of his full time obligation to his occupation) and I’ve simply had enough.

mum is lovely and it’s not her fault but the whole thing just leaves me raging that I’ve been pushed literally to the end of the line. My needs aren’t cared about let alone met and if I say I am lonely, it’s laughed off in favour of keeping mum company.

Mum is very hale and his could end up going on for another 15 years and I have no idea how our relationship can be sustained.

im not asking him to do less, because I know he won’t. He’s utterly devoted to her and I know completely there’s no compromise to be had, so the question really is -
am I being unreasonable?

He does the bare minimum, washes his own clothes and does some dishes, he’s usually waylaid by doing stuff for his mum (who usually says oh I’m going to move the plant pots today) and then he rushes over to do it.

sometimes I wonder if it’s coerced or not but frankly at this point I’ve given caring

he does help with taking kids to netball and hockey practise. He’ll usually just go out for lunch with his mum on those days instead

Take the kids to the beach for a weekend. Take them in days out. Tell him you can remember you’re a dad and come, or you can fuck off like you always do. We don’t count on you anymore, you are never here for us anyway.
stop defending him to the kids. Be honest in a parent way. Say I understand and you should tell him how you feel. and when you are grown up and have kids, don’t ever just walk away like thsi. Don’t do it for me and don’t do it for him, most people don’t dump their kids for their parents because I’m afraid it’s not good parenting

But I would leave. Then I could do whatever I wanted to with my kids and you will feel so free to not have him in your life anymore and to not try and include him. He doesn’t want to be included. Just let him go and you can all live life again, without him.

I hope to come back and update you soon that the children and I have moved out and we’re embarking on our own happiness journey

OP I really hope so, he's done a real number on you. He's succeeded in making you doubt yourself, believe you're selfish, and that your role is to keep everything running smoothly so that he can spend all his time with his mum. As a result he's chipped away at the real you - this isn't who you really are.

Leave him and rediscover your own purpose. Put your children first, because at the mo by in effect defending him (which comes under the heading of defending the indefensible) you are putting him above them. Their concerns and observations are justified and you need to show them a strong response.

There is a saying 'no-one can make you feel bad without your permission'. Take away his permission and control and be strong. Your life will be so much better.

Just wierd and totally unacceptable. Are you sure it's his DM he is spending so much time with?
Sorry... suspicious mind

I'm cheering you on, OP. And my best friend is devoted to looking after his mother, but she is 92 and he is single.

I hope to come back and update you soon that the children and I have moved out and we’re embarking on our own happiness journey

I hope so too, OP, and I wish you only the best with it

I still wonder, however, if you're in for some unpleasant surprises along the way, but that hardly matters as long as you shift the priority to yourself for a change

I’d tell him that he may feel that he’s excelling as a son but he’s completely failing as a both husband and father. Seeing each other every single Friday night is what a couple would do, not a 40-something man and his mum. Visiting her every single day in his free time does indicate that he just wants to be absent from his family responsibilities. You’re not at all selfish, OP.

OP, clearly this isn't going to work long term, and you are right to be planning a future for yourself and the DC.
Please make sure you plan the financial side properly. If the house you live in belongs to his mother, then presumably you ( and DH) haven't been paying rent or mortgage, so there should be not just your own small savings, but a big pot. If that is not in joint names, find out where it is. Check DH's pension arrangements- you'll be entitled to a share of that. Think about how you can increase your earnings if needs be, now would be the time to enrol in evening classes to get extra qualifications if required.
You've put up with this for a long time; you don't have to rush your exit from this sham of a marriage.

Sorry to be so blunt OP, but your marriage is over!!

Let that sink in for a moment!

Even if you were to persuade him to spend more time with you and your children, he would make it obvious that he resented it. Then, when MIL dies, she will become a saint! Believe me, I've experienced this, you will be in trouble any time you reference her in passing, because in his eyes she cannot and will never have done anything wrong.

My advice, go to a solicitor and start the ball rolling for a divorce. Quite honestly, I wouldn't even bother telling him, until he gets the papers, as he's clearly so wrapped up in his lovely life with his Mother, that he'll just tell you you're being ridiculous if you tell him you want a divorce. Whereas when he's suddenly got paperwork in his hands telling him that this is going to happen, while it may just wake him up to what he's throwing away, even if he promises to change things, he won't. It's been going on for too long, and you've allowed it, so even at that point, don't be tempted to cancel the divorce, you'll only be wasting more time.

Just get on with it, and set yourself and your children free. He might actually give them more attention if the time he is allowed to see them is limited.

I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but believe me, my intentions are to help you see clearly where your life is going, if you continue to let him carry on in this way.