Spends all his time with parent

[WhyWhyY]

Background, four years ago my husbands Dad died leaving behind his mum. His dad was very much the domesticated one so mum needs a bit of support which is fine.
However this has snowballed from support to daily excursions, weekly trips to her favourite bar where she goes with her friends every Friday and multiple holidays a year. Which me and the children don’t go on because they are pensioner holidays.

this has taken a huge toll on our relationship. Where we would normally talk or go out of an evening, he’s with his mother, where we would normally take our Childeren out for weekends away, we’re now not allowed to do that. Mum has to come with us on every meal out we may have and Mum is worked into every plan. Even to the point of apologising to mum if we go anywhere or talking down about it, if we even take a simple lunch out, as if it wasn’t a very good lunch and sorry mum!
mum is actually doing very well all things considered however this has now become my husbands full time occupation (on top of his full time obligation to his occupation) and I’ve simply had enough.

mum is lovely and it’s not her fault but the whole thing just leaves me raging that I’ve been pushed literally to the end of the line. My needs aren’t cared about let alone met and if I say I am lonely, it’s laughed off in favour of keeping mum company.

Mum is very hale and his could end up going on for another 15 years and I have no idea how our relationship can be sustained.

im not asking him to do less, because I know he won’t. He’s utterly devoted to her and I know completely there’s no compromise to be had, so the question really is -
am I being unreasonable?

Thank you all so much, I know it seems really bad but you have all given me plenty of help and made me feel so much less of the cruel selfish woman I’ve been feeling like.
they are off out tonight again now so ill
use the time once the children have gone up to start thinking about my life

Again this, sounds a bit grim and enmeshed!

@WhyWhyY can I offer the other side of problem...
My dad was the 'man of the house', did everything for mum. When we lost him 18 months ago I promised him I'd look after mum (I guess because I'm quite independent / strong-ish). But, it's completely affected every part of my life. I feel guilty if I do things without her because I know how lonely she is. I speak to her daily. We visit frequently (together or on my own). I know it's changed my relationship and my teenage daughter moans every time we have to go for dinner etc. But I'm completely torn. I loved my dad and was so close to him, I feel I'm letting him down. I'm also completely miserable. All of the time.
So, just a different take on it, your husband might feel like I do so please try to talk to him first before sending him packing...

Why can't you book a weekend away for you and the kids and just go? leave him at home to enjoy the weekend with his Mum. You don't need his permission to go and he doesn't have to go with you if he doesn't want to.

If I were you I'd start living my life with my kids and leave DH to his Mum.

I doubt it's actually about his mum. Even if he doesn't know himself I'd say it's more likely about the kids and drudgery of family life. It's unfair and you need to voice your expectations.

Can you and the kids books some holidays? If mil is funding can you suggest a holiday together? If you can't fight it make her your friend too? No more just DH and her going on jollies? Get them stuck into childcare and take a break with friends or solo? Take some proactivity back??

No, you need to tackle it head on. He needs to remember his responsibilities to his children- and I would raise it with his mum. I would make it clear that he is neglecting his family. Hopefully she’ll realise that he’s been ignoring you and she’ll find a way to reduce his time with her. You have a right to speak up and she may well have no idea how you feel.

If she doesn’t reduce his time with her, then you’ll need to make a choice. Put up with this or divorce.

I would expect my DH to visit his Dm regularly and we would include her in many things - but your situation is ridiculous.

He needs therapy. Seriously. It's likely some form of ocd and anxiety if he can't spend a weekend away from her for fear of her dying. That's usually a trauma response from losing someone or when a loved ones has been very unwell, but can't be sustained long term. What if you or your DC were (god forbid) hit by a busy tomorrow.

As a PP said earlier, Norman Bates wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong with his set-up either. Doesn't mean it's healthy and it doesn't mean it's ok.

You mil will know the impact it's having on your, she is not innocent in all of this. Mine would soon tell DH to get back to his DW and DC if he was spending so much time with her.

Stop going with him when he sees her on the weekend. Take your children out where the three of you will enjoy for the day. What DH does will tell you a lot about your options with him.

Right now he's being a crap husband and dad. He needs a bit of a shakeup to realise this before he loses his family for good.

Oh no I absolutely choose not to go. I’ve always been invited as are the kids but she can only manage certain types of places (flat/quiet/older people type holidays) which the children would hate and even if they wanted to go, I couldn’t stand it.
wed only be allowed to go where mum wanted, to the restaurants she wanted to go to and we’d have to spend all our time with her, quite frankly seen as my every day ends up hinged around her I couldn’t think of doing it on holiday too.

YANBU what’s he playing at? Does he not have any siblings to share the load? Is he vying for a big inheritance? Is he just quite dim and see nothing wrong with abandoning his wife and dc for his mother?
tell him straight OP, yes it’s lovely to be there for dm but your relationship should be priority and you are certainly allowed to do things as a family minus the MIL, she shouldn’t even be expecting that!

This is completely unfair and frankly ridiculous. Worse is his attitude, that you are the one being unreasonable and unkind or even controlling. He is the one who has completely reshaped your family life without any consultation or regard for the rest of you. Now THAT is controlling.

Going to be honest if it were my husband I’d tell him he’s moving in with his mum. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he thinks you objecting is you exerting control etc. You can’t force him but you can say that you won’t be waiting on him, book a break for you and the kids and don’t hold up your life on his say so.

Given what you've said here, your husband is being completely unreasonable.

It really sounds like he needs a wake up call. Tell him you want a separation and send him off to live with her. If he doesn't shape up then you know you're all better off without him.

you have all given me plenty of help and made me feel so much less of the cruel selfish woman I’ve been feeling like

This is concerning, OP; fortunately it's not as if you or anyone else has suggested cutting MIL off, and you really shouldn't be made to feel like this for speaking up for yours and the DCs' needs

It all seems to be part and parcel of his very dismissive attitude you've described, so with apologies for being the first person to ask ... are you absolutely confident it's really MIL he's spending all this time with?

It’s funny because a lot of people say things like
oh it’s good if your husband loves his family that means he’ll love and look after you too

only the funny thing is, I feel
like he understands loneliness (with regard to his mum) understands the need for connection, quality time and support (with regards to his mum) but that doesn’t translate into us.

someone said it’s probably less about his mum and more about his life and maybe my realisation should come from the fact that maybe it’s just me he doesn’t want to be with because his behaviour and actions don’t marry up.

this isn’t a cold unfeeling man. It’s just not for ME anymore.

not a pity party, I’ve got wondeful
kids and this has been going on long enough for me to be quite detached from it.

this is exactly what I would do and I think you're just enabling/accepting his treatment of you and the children (ESPECIALLY the children) as secondary to his obligations by doing absolutely nothing about it.

You've tried to talk to him and been ignored so it IS time to talk to her, not confrontational, just to explain how it's made you feel for a while, and while you've been happy to take a back seat for their relationship to grow, it is now affecting the children who have noticed and feel unhappy about his seeming lack of interest in them.

What do you mean he wouldn't forgive you? You're allowed to feel a certain way and voice an opinion on what is impacting your life, so stop being a bloody martyr and tell them BOTH that you are unhappy being a third wheel in your own relationship and if he's not prepared to have a relationship with you anymore then he may as well go and live with his mum so you can find some happiness in your life while they're enjoying theirs.

This. Also, it doesn’t matter who paid for the house as you and DH are married (you should be just as entitled in a divorce).

To the few saying things like 'he mightn't have much time left with her' or 'if he goes away he's afraid she might die', welcome to the human condition. Everyone's parents get old (if they're lucky) and die, it doesn't mean huge chunks of anyone's adult life needs to be devoted to their needs, especially if these are more social than medical. He is pathetic and she is very selfish for leaning on him as she is (who the fuck thinks its OK for their adult child to go on holidays with them and never with their family?)

Please don’t apologise. It’s refreshing to
have someone interested to talk to.

most of the time I’m 100% sure, I’ll see mum afterwards and they’ll refer to what they’ve talked about at the pub etc

i know that doesn’t mean he isn’t going somewhere after and we haven’t had sex for years but I don’t think anything like that is going on. I think it’s his mum he’s obsessed with not another woman.

dad died from cancer and it was fairly quick (a year) and traumatic and they cared for him at home so was a hard time. I chalk it up to obsession after the grief of loss

Well, it’s probably going to be like this forever then 🤷‍♀️. It’s a tough crowd on here and the majority of people think it’s out of order the way things are. I think it’s a piss take. She’s a very selfish and self absorbed woman who thinks a man should prioritise her every single time. You need to be less passive and challenge it. Or suck it up and not moan. Your mix and match approach isn’t really sustainable. This could go on for another 10-15 years.

You’re right. I have been very passive. I should have walked away when I realised it had slipped from normal to abnormal so
i have allowed a lot
of this. I do see that an appreciate your point

OP, people are saying he’s a great son cos it’s embarrassingly obvious he’s checked out of fatherhood.

No one’s saying he’s a great dad, are they. Thought not.

DH is failing at life by failing his kids and you. I suspect he’s also turning nasty when it’s pointed out.

Don’t lie to your kids. They know. They won’t thank you for putting granny first either.

Don’t lie to yourself. Start planning a better life.

@WhyWhyY
He's not a great dad if his mums needs are also now coming ahead of his children's needs. He may have been a good dad at one point but this current behaviour isn't.

I love my MiL, she is almost 83 but I couldn't live like you do. Whereas my MiL has come on holiday with us in the past she hasn't for about 10 years. She liked to come when DC were younger but they are adults now. I love having holidays with just DH and me. We get to relax and do as much or as little as we please. MiL lives 150 miles away and DH and I visit about every 4-6 weeks for weekend. My 2 DS's also sometimes go to see her. One lives about 45 miles from her but other 145 miles away. I think in your position I'd tell DH I don't want to continue being third place in my own marriage. Either he spends every other weekend with me and DC without visiting his Mum or we'd be over. I could accept him going out with her on Friday night and visiting a couple of times a week for an hour or so and 1 week holiday a year. If he couldn't compromise on that, which is still a lot of attention for his Mum then I'd divorce him. It's clear who he loves best and it's not you or DC. I'd see a solicitor and find out what I'd be entitled to and if you divorce I'd try to make sure he did his share with DC too.