Spends all his time with parent

[WhyWhyY]

Background, four years ago my husbands Dad died leaving behind his mum. His dad was very much the domesticated one so mum needs a bit of support which is fine.
However this has snowballed from support to daily excursions, weekly trips to her favourite bar where she goes with her friends every Friday and multiple holidays a year. Which me and the children don’t go on because they are pensioner holidays.

this has taken a huge toll on our relationship. Where we would normally talk or go out of an evening, he’s with his mother, where we would normally take our Childeren out for weekends away, we’re now not allowed to do that. Mum has to come with us on every meal out we may have and Mum is worked into every plan. Even to the point of apologising to mum if we go anywhere or talking down about it, if we even take a simple lunch out, as if it wasn’t a very good lunch and sorry mum!
mum is actually doing very well all things considered however this has now become my husbands full time occupation (on top of his full time obligation to his occupation) and I’ve simply had enough.

mum is lovely and it’s not her fault but the whole thing just leaves me raging that I’ve been pushed literally to the end of the line. My needs aren’t cared about let alone met and if I say I am lonely, it’s laughed off in favour of keeping mum company.

Mum is very hale and his could end up going on for another 15 years and I have no idea how our relationship can be sustained.

im not asking him to do less, because I know he won’t. He’s utterly devoted to her and I know completely there’s no compromise to be had, so the question really is -
am I being unreasonable?

When she does die, even if you have not separated, your DH is quickly going to find both yours and the kids lives have moved on. That will be a big adjustment for him as obviously you keep up with the days at the beach, hobbies and holidays you are planning as a solo parent with the kids now.

I’d sit him down and say you’re being a great son and you used to be a great dad and husband but now you’re neither. The kids are commenting, I’ve had enough and before we lose the marriage we need to talk seriously about rebalancing the three. If he can’t sort it then he can go and move back in with his mummy who can tick him in every night and read him a story.

He's a weirdo.

Your marriage is over.

I would start taking the children to bowling, cinema or other on Fridays.
Arrange trips to seaside or weekends away with the children.
Then build upon it and arrange night out with your friends.
Don't sit around waiting.

He’s found the perfect excuse to check out of “family” life.

But please forgive yourself for being passive up to this point. It will be learnt behaviour to try to regain his favour. But sadly, however much you bend and compromise for him, he won’t value what he has at home.

Start acting as though you're single. Your children are tweens, it won't be long until they are old enough to be left at home in their own. Meanwhile, either arrange activities to do with your DC or arrange for them to go to friends' houses and then go out with your friends on your own. He's clearly living the life he wants, you should live the life YOU want.

Who knows, seeing that there is no longer a DH shaped hole in either yours or your DCs' lives might give him a wake up call. I doubt it though. I suspect you will find life more enjoyable without him.

If your house is owned by his parents and not him, then you need to start working out what you will do financially if you do decide to end your marriage.

Wow, the umbilical cord really wasn't cut was it?! She seems to be turning to him in place of a partner and he seems to be loving having you keep the home fires burning so he can enjoy being golden child. Absolutely warped and twisted! I'd tell him to give live with her, don't waste any more of your life allowing their codendency and instead find someone who prioritises YOU!

I know lots of women who do this with their mothers when they are younger than 80.

That's alot OP - too much and I'm sympathetic to having to look after elderly parents and recognising the need to be there for them but this is detrimental to your family.

He says you can't tell him to cut back etc- we'll how about he take the kids all weekend because him visiting her like this out all the child care on you ALL of the time. So farm it back out to him EVERY weekend and he'll soon get it when he has to tag the kids along and they don't let them two sit in peace whilst u look after the kids which is what I suspect is happening atm.

Or would it work if you went say with mother and went out with her and he has the kids. Yes you'd be awkward but literally do this for a month or so so he gets it into his thick skull what it feels like.

Just to add I've just read all your replies- your enabling him to do this too much OP. You go on those holidays, go on those days out with them - but once yiur there do as you want to. She'll soon get the message but by not going your sitting back and letting them run the show for you.

This is a complete mn cliche however....Next Friday and Saturday night book a hotel just for you (obviously if you can afford it, maybe take the money out of his holiday budget since you haven't had one for a while).
Inform your husband you will be going * *and he needs to look after his children.

I suspect he will pull out all the stops to try and stop you from going but you need to put your foot down for once.
It goes without saying that he is a useless husband and father but you have let him have his own way for so long he probably thinks he's onto a complete winner! Take some power back for yourself, he won't just hand it to you.

I’m told I can’t control him or tell him what he can or cannot do

You can tell him to fuck off and live with. Mum

You can serve divorce papers on him

You can do all sorts of things.....maybe he needs to stop being a bad husband and wise up

Wanker

This man is depriving you of companionship and a fully present husband, and your children of a father who's involved in their lives. He has fully checked out of the marriage and your joint children's lives. He laughs at you for saying you are lonely. This must be abusive behaviour surely? It definitely is neglect

Honesty there's no coming back from 4 years of this op. Leave this marriage before it breaks you completely.

I vote soft launch of a life that is about you and the children. Start with Friday plans. Move on to weekend plans. Then book a holiday. Slowly begin to claim back your life and when you’re ready you can tell him you’re living separate lives and it’s time he left to live with his mum.

Does he not realise he'll be a very lonely old man. He's lost his relationship with you and will never have the relationship he has with his mum, with his own kids, as he never prioritises them or invests in that relationship.
I also wouldn't gaslight the children, even if it's just saying you understand how they feel and you feel like that too sometimes, so it's about tgeir feelings and not 'bad mouthing' their dads actions.

I don't know any women who see their mums everyday, unless it's childcare/elderly care related. and if a woman was doing this by checking out of her own family life and neglecting her dh and dc, that wouldn't make it right. It's an unhealthy and enmenshed and incestuous relationship, man or woman.

@WhyWhyY please validate your children's feelings, otherwise they will learn to always doubt their own judgement. like the poster says here, don't gaslight your children, their feelings are valid, just empathise and sympathise. and work out how to leave this godawful man.

Could you speak to him about it from the perspective of the child. He obviously loves his mum a lot and wants to look after her now she is older. Why? How was she a good mum when he was younger to build such a strong relationship?
Then relate it to how he is with his children. Does he put the time and effort in to his own family like his mum did years back? How will his children feel about him when they are grown up and he is older? And is that what he wants?!

He’s a much better husband to his mother than he is to you. 🤢

You really have to leave. There’s nothing left. He’s given it all to her.

What sort of father is he? is he remotely interested in his children?
How much does he do around the house/childcare/general domestic responsibility stuff?

I’m guessing none.

So you’re already a single parent with no sex life, all you’ll lose is the house his parents own. You need to leave.

It's a lose-lose situation for you. If you ask him to spend less time with her when she inevitably dies be may blame you for how he's feeling. Do your own thing more. He may think you are being unreasonable trying to change the (ridiculous) status quo. I would probably just leave tbh.

A million times over, this!!! I don't know why people are saying he's a good son, he's not, he's acting like her partner which is unhealthy and enmeshed and completely boak. She has friends and an active social life, and HE is latching on it all and living the life of a single, childless man. While his wife and dc are at home feeling unloved and neglected.

Morning all

ive realised you’re all so right. I’ve totally burrowed into myself in this and let him get away with more than is acceptable because I’ve allowed him to slant it that me asking for balance is me being a selfish person.

I can’t believe the person I’ve become blithely ignoring him blatantly putting his mums needs above ours. I did think it may change but that was years ago, now I must accept that it won’t.

honestly if I’m really brutally honest, he was really enmeshed with his parents anyway and this situation has given him all the excuse he needs to go where he values most with the person he values the most.

I have to be a strong and valuable mother to the children and show them how life and love is supposed to be. They haven’t seen us hug or kiss in years, maybe they don’t even remember ever seeing it as they were much younger. I want them to see love hopefully, if not me and someone then just me for them and maybe loving myself.

the house is in parents name so I’ll have no claim to it, but I’m okay I have small savings and a job so I can make things work some shape.

I hope to come back and update you soon that the children and I have moved out and we’re embarking on our own happiness journey

It's hard OP and I suspect you have spent a lot of time being told that it's normal. Inam interested in your dc here. Inhave tweens and in many ways its the busiest time of parenting. Less onerous, less full on, but there's a lot of.acrivities and driving them around and it often takes effort. Where is he for all this if hrs usually with his mother?

What about other "home" chores like cooking, cleaning etc?

Because he seems to have checked out.

And frankly, the fact that the house is in his mums name is actually really disturbing. Have you been able to.save money as a couple seeing as you haven't had to pay rent or mortgage? Or somehow is it going to be that when you get divorced there is no cash, no assets?!

Get some legal advice @WhyWhyY before you do anything else. Just because his parents own the house it doesn't mean you have no financial rights. I bet this was set up to keep you financially uncertain and under control.