Spends all his time with parent

[WhyWhyY]

Background, four years ago my husbands Dad died leaving behind his mum. His dad was very much the domesticated one so mum needs a bit of support which is fine.
However this has snowballed from support to daily excursions, weekly trips to her favourite bar where she goes with her friends every Friday and multiple holidays a year. Which me and the children don’t go on because they are pensioner holidays.

this has taken a huge toll on our relationship. Where we would normally talk or go out of an evening, he’s with his mother, where we would normally take our Childeren out for weekends away, we’re now not allowed to do that. Mum has to come with us on every meal out we may have and Mum is worked into every plan. Even to the point of apologising to mum if we go anywhere or talking down about it, if we even take a simple lunch out, as if it wasn’t a very good lunch and sorry mum!
mum is actually doing very well all things considered however this has now become my husbands full time occupation (on top of his full time obligation to his occupation) and I’ve simply had enough.

mum is lovely and it’s not her fault but the whole thing just leaves me raging that I’ve been pushed literally to the end of the line. My needs aren’t cared about let alone met and if I say I am lonely, it’s laughed off in favour of keeping mum company.

Mum is very hale and his could end up going on for another 15 years and I have no idea how our relationship can be sustained.

im not asking him to do less, because I know he won’t. He’s utterly devoted to her and I know completely there’s no compromise to be had, so the question really is -
am I being unreasonable?

He’ll be like “you know I go out with my mum” and then it’ll be a stalemate i
guess which will come with a guilt trip

but you make a good point and @Vinrouge4 and everyone else does too

is it not being manipulative by making deliberate Friday plans. I mean I’m not happy Leaving the children alone so he’d have to stay home which would be quite a manipulative move wouldn’t it?

Is it not being manipulative by making deliberate Friday plans

No, it's looking after your own needs for once - and not before time

As for the "guilt trip" he can certainly try it and probably would, but whether to actually feel guilty is your choice

That’s seriously weird. I can count on one hand the number of my mother’s friends that I actually liked.

It's not being manipulative if you've tried to discuss how unhappy this is making you and he's ignoring you completely.

But in fairness I don't think going out on Friday nights will make you happy, you want your husband to notice you and care about how you feel, railroading over his plans is just a way of getting even, it doesn't solve the problem at hand.

You need to talk to him, talk to her then decide if this is a marriage worth saving.. I think you may already know the answer.

He isn't your husband any more. He just isn't. And he isn't a parent to the kids either when he's behaving like this. Yes it's his mum but he's told you you can never make plans on a Friday because he's always got plans with another woman!
I'd be making plans to firm up the end of the marriage legally. It's dead in the water so sort what that means in terms of separating assets, contact time with the kids etc You and the kids deserve so much better than permanently being second best.

Thank you so much all of you. you don’t know how much your words and help means.

i can’t help thinking that one day soon his mum will go on, we’ll obviously she will and maybe he’ll look back and think damn, I was so focussed on one part of my life that I let another pass me by completely.

but I have the sneaking suspicion that he will only judge his life through the lens of what kind of son he’s been.

im going to do some of the things you’ve said, make more plans of my own and start thinking about the future without him. I am
quite sure there’ll be plenty of mud flung my way about my decision and the why’s so your words will stay in my head.

it’s not normal and INBU

Do you do stuff with your kids without him? Ie go for a weekend away, days out or holidays?

I feel so sad for you and the kids. He's not putting the effort in with them at all is he.

Don't defend him when your kids point out the truth.

If you separate how is he going to fit childcare into this life with his mother? I don't think your marriage is salvageable because your DH has abandoned you and your children. He is cruel and lazy.

I am a mother and love my DS but would seriously feel cramped if he was around as much in my life. She has friends and relatives but never socialises without her son!

Life's too short for this OP. You are definitely not being unreasonable and thinking seriously about your future would be time well spent.

In your shoes I'd be seriously considering divorce. As he's with his mum so much you have ample opportunity to "get your ducks in a row" and gather info on finances etc. The house may be his, but it's a marital asset and you will be entitled to a share.

Don't look back in a further ten years and wonder why you didn't do something sooner. Maybe his mum will be gone by then but even so, it doesn't sound like a healthy marriage anyway. Don't waste your good years with a man who doesn't prioritise his family or want to spend time with you.

OP i would carry life on as if he's not apart of it as he's very much showing he doesn't want to be. He's a shit husband and a shit dad and I hope he realises that he's got a relationship with his mother that he will never with his kids as I'd say they won't have much of a relationship. When your mil passes, it could be many years, he may decide to put effort back into you all but it likely won't be welcome as you and the kids will have your own life that he doesn't recognise because he's not been present in it. That's probably when you will split hd you continue as you seem too passive to make a stand now. Start making plans for yourself and make him respect them and not use your home as a b&b

It's like you're a single parent op

I mean this with kindness OP, but please don't hold on to the hope that when his mum isn't around he'll wake up and smell the coffee, he seems to have it quite to his liking now, you at home to deal with all the drudgery and his mum to have a nice social life with, from everything you've said I suspect his mum not being there will probably the catalyst he needs to start a new chapter of his life.

He's made it quite clear where you stand in the relationship and the fact that you don't have any intimacy just confirms it. Don't let this be your life for the next 10-20 years, only for him to walk away at the end, a serious discussion about your joint future needs to be had as soon as you feel capable of it.

I think it's lovely that he enjoys his mum's company and wants to spend time with her but as his wife, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want him around more to spend time as a couple and as a family with your children. If I were you I would feel resentful and even worse that he is so dismissive of your point of view. I'm not sure I'd stay in the relationship to be honest 😕

This is so messed up.

when your in-laws bought your house, did they keep it in their names? It doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship to save so personally I would get ready to go. See a solicitor, sort out as much as I could and then I would suggest marriage counselling as a very last resort.

He must deep down know that what is going on is highly unusual as how many other people does he know that do this and being blunt that his mother isn’t going to live for more than 20 years and what is his plan then?

You and the dc deserve more and you need to fight for that.

@WhyWhyY sorry but pack his case and tell him to go live with his mum in his old bedroom! he obviously does not give a damn about you or the kids! his priority should be you, not his mum. I could not tolerate that. @WearyAuldWumman I dont know how you could have allowed his kids to force his ex onto you and your partner for a meal! I would have told them to shove it.

We didn't want to alienate the kids. I did actually feel sorry for her when her 3rd partner (if you count my husband as her first man) died. Didn't realise that she already had the next man lined up.

I finally exploded about a couple of months after my husband died. The kids are now No Contact with me.

This is what he needs to hear.

I'm sorry @WhyWhyY but he's chosen this life, he's chosen to spend all his time with his mother instead of his wife and kids, he's effectively left you. This isn't a marriage.

Stop calling him a good dad, he absolutely isn't, because he's neglecting his children to be with his mother, and they know it.

If he didn't live with you any more, at least you could take your children out or on holiday without your H visibly giving all his attention to his mother.

Just start doing things on your own with the kids. Book a holiday for you and the kids only. Say sorry but you’ll be with your mum. Do day trips for you and the kids. Book a babysitter so you can go out - do an evening class so you have a schedule. Make time for yourself. Be out when he gets back from his mums. Let him pay the babysitter.

You sound very unhappy OP but prefer to mutter to yourself than do anything about it. I’m struggling to understand why you are being so passive aggressive about his behaviour.
Just talk to him honestly. He’s being a neglectful dad and husband for years and you are reaching the end .
He can’t change if you just give the impression that you & the kids accept his absence .
You could do with getting some legal advice about your living arrangements etc if you do decide to split

OP, why, why, why are you not seeing what is in front of your face.

Your husband doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't want to spend his leisure time with you or your children.

It will still be the same, when his mother dies. He will not have a change of heart and suddenly become a loving, doting, husband and father.

His mother is not that kind loving soul, you think she is, otherwise she would be saying no, I don't need your company, go back to your wife and children.

Also, when your children are his age, I'm sure they are not going to want to spend time with him, since he is so uncaring of them now.

So contact a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You still have time to find somebody else, if you want to, who will love and care for you properly, and to be a good father figure for your children.

Do it now OP, and don't waste more years of your life. Your MIL, has had a good full life, don't let her participate with your husband in squandering your good years.

You don't have to side with your husband in front of your children, you absolutely should be agreeing with them, showing them you have their back and support their feelings of neglect from their father. You can do this without slagging their father off.

If I was in this situation, I'd realise my marriage was dead, and I'd actually sit down with the children first, and ask them how they feel, how they would like the situation to be resolved, and I would actually be open and honest with them and tell them you are considering separation, as both you and your family have been neglected for far too long now.

Get some legal advice regarding the house.

He'd be better off moving in with his precious mother. I wonder if he does, will he come visit you and his children every evening and weekend? Doubt it.

I don't understand why he feels like he has to come with her when she visits her friends. I think he's being ridiculous.

I remember any ex boyfriend of mine still lived with his parents (he was 26)

He was constantly running his mother around, and I mean here, there and everywhere. Driving for miles to pick up on special beans or whatever

It just all got suffocating really

Go without him!

A decent mother wouldn’t let him do that to his family. I’d walk out