Spends all his time with parent

[WhyWhyY]

Background, four years ago my husbands Dad died leaving behind his mum. His dad was very much the domesticated one so mum needs a bit of support which is fine.
However this has snowballed from support to daily excursions, weekly trips to her favourite bar where she goes with her friends every Friday and multiple holidays a year. Which me and the children don’t go on because they are pensioner holidays.

this has taken a huge toll on our relationship. Where we would normally talk or go out of an evening, he’s with his mother, where we would normally take our Childeren out for weekends away, we’re now not allowed to do that. Mum has to come with us on every meal out we may have and Mum is worked into every plan. Even to the point of apologising to mum if we go anywhere or talking down about it, if we even take a simple lunch out, as if it wasn’t a very good lunch and sorry mum!
mum is actually doing very well all things considered however this has now become my husbands full time occupation (on top of his full time obligation to his occupation) and I’ve simply had enough.

mum is lovely and it’s not her fault but the whole thing just leaves me raging that I’ve been pushed literally to the end of the line. My needs aren’t cared about let alone met and if I say I am lonely, it’s laughed off in favour of keeping mum company.

Mum is very hale and his could end up going on for another 15 years and I have no idea how our relationship can be sustained.

im not asking him to do less, because I know he won’t. He’s utterly devoted to her and I know completely there’s no compromise to be had, so the question really is -
am I being unreasonable?

Id be tempted to take it up with her directly tbh. Tell her how it's affecting you.

Oh he’s never go to counselling.

we’re in our 40s and children are tweens. They mention how dad is always with grandma and how what grandma wants takes precedence over them, sometimes I feel bad because I can’t argue it and have to back up my spouse when I agree.

Ah figured it out.
husband would never forgive that kind of move and I’d feel bad and ashamed really

I wish it was a joke. It’s how our lives have shaped up and I’m powerless to change it

I lost my mum. I speak to my dad every day. I also do special occasions with him and go on holiday with him and the kids, without DH, 1x per year. However.... I speak to him on the nursery run - it doesnt get in the way of our lives. If we are busy doing stuff I would send him an email saying I can't call. He would be HORRIFIED if it was getting in the way of our lives. It is utterly unacceptable what your DH is doing.

He’s a good son, that’s for sure

But perhaps not a good husband ...

I’m told I can’t control him or tell him what he can or cannot do

He's correct in this at least - though he's deeply unpleasant not to even want to discuss it - but you can certainly decide what you want to do, and that includes whether or not you want to live like this

I'd be looking at separation for a while.
Suggest to him that he moves in with his mum as she clearly needs him so much.

That your children are concerned that he's prioritising Gran over them is concerning.

Well then he either picks his mum or you and the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I love my in laws and there are no issues there between us at all. You sound like me in that respect. We visit them often, do favours for each other, ring up etc but this is having you thinking about throwing in the towel on your marriage!

I'd have a real proper sit down with your DH outlining what you feel is reasonable visit wise and say its not about controlling him, but it's about you and the kids too. They need their dad and you need your husband.

Maybe he doesn't quite realise how it's affecting you. Surely he would compromise?!

Unhealthy, dysfunctional, all of it. You're in a triangle, OP. This sounds very difficult. If he would 'never' go to counselling (which is annoying in itself) then maybe he would be willing to read up on the impact of triangulation on his family and marriage. Short of LTB, I might start just planning around it. Can you make time for yourself to get some relief from the stress of this situation? I disagree wtih the person who said to take it up with MIL. This is a DH issue through and through.

My mum died last year and I felt a pull to be with my dad as much as I could be. My husband quite gently pointed out that this couldn't be sustained. There would be a drop off as I returned to work and actually that level of contact wouldn't be helpful to him in the long run.
He was right, part of grieving is learning to adapt to the new normal and with that, doing things independently. We now text every day, a couple of calls mid-week and meet up for a few hours at the weekend. This feels good for us both. He knows I'm there but he's getting on with the job of living.
Your husband seems to have taken on the role of replacement spouse/ main companion and after 4 years this is going to be really difficult to untangle. I wonder if he would benefit from counselling but suspect he may be reluctant. I do think you need to explain exactly how you feel and give him the opportunity to recommence being fully present in his arguably primary roles as husband and father. You might not get the response you need from him though. Sorry your situation is tough.

Look DP - I get that you love your mum, but I am also getting that you don’t love us as much.
i can’t and don’t want to control you, but I deserve a partner who puts us first. You don’t want to do that.
so I suggest you move in with your mum; the kids can stay with you every other weekend and 2 days during the week.

Oh he knows. He just doesn’t care. I suppose he has to live his life doing what he feels is right which is looking after his mum.

That your children are concerned that he's prioritising Gran over them is concerning

I agree completely, ClematisRock
For a woman to tolerate this herself is one thing, but for many of us the effect on the kids would be a dealbreaker - and that's not even considering what it's teaching them about relationships

Then it's your decision. Stay and put up. Leave and find another who values spending time with you.

It sounds very enmeshed and emotionally incestuous. I honestly couldn't live like that; where I and my children came second and third to his 80 year old mother.

If I were you I'd take the kids and leave Norman Bates to spend all the time he wants with his mummy.

something like that would make sense, I’d love a day where I didn’t feel like I was the third wheel
to the life he’d rather be having.

No this isn’t fair. He needs to strike a compromise and sounds like his mums got some friends anyway so isn’t totally alone. You do need to ask him to do a bit less for his mum and more for his family as this isn’t right

'I really expected you all to say like him that I shouldn’t try to stop him (I never did I asked him to calm down with it) doing what he wants to do. '

No, that's not right. When you have children they have to be your priority and you can't just do what you want all the time. What if you decided you wanted to spend every night at the gym or in the pub or just lying about? You couldn't because you can't just do what you want all the time! And in fact he is blocking you from doing what YOU want to do because he gets to do what HE wants to do every sodding night.

Don't issue an ultimatum, that's a terrible idea. No one can make that sort of choice and it shouldn't be like that. However, he is being very selfish.
Have you had a proper conversation - just straightforward. Suggest some dates together, suggest some time alone with the kids and plan some stuff with mil.
If he says no, ask whether he thinks it's important that you guys work on your relationship too.
If he says no again, explain very clearly that your marriage is failing.

You have made me laugh, thank you!
I feel bad because his mum is a good person and he is but as someone has said, he’s a better son than husband.
he’s a great dad but really he’s lost his way but he doesn’t want to find his way back and nothing I say will change that
but you’re right what it’s teaching the kids is their needs aren’t important

This. Who's paying for their hols? Please don't say its coming from your family money! Agree with saying above and booking for you and dc to go away without him.

I’d sit him down and tell him your relationship is over because he’s repeatedly chosen his mum over you and now you’re going to divorce him because this is not a marriage.
See what his reaction is then. If he’s not bothered go through with it you’d not be losing anything. The kids and you don’t have a relationship with him anyway

Oh we’re not allowed to
go for a weekend away to the beach as he doesn’t want to go away from his mum as something might happen.
even days out are usually vetoed or it’s made very clear he doesn’t want to, but usually he’s already booked himself to help his mum

Crikey - reading your replies I don't know what to suggest.
Sorry OP, sounds grim.

Oh mum pays - the family is very well off. They actually bought the house we live in so there won’t be staying here for me and the children