To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

😴😴😴

Do not get pregnant. Not until you are 100000000% sure you want to be married to your husband.
Do not force an unwanted baby onto him.

I was the main earner OP x4 and in the early years it didn't bother me....then it did. His ambivalence to TTC bothered me too but I stuck it out and managed to have kids together. He was initially a good dad. Then he ups and leaves because he feels like I got what I wanted and he was surplus to requirements. I can't deny that I did and he was. I don't miss the weight around my neck and finances that he was. I'm sad and grieve for him and our marriage though. He wasn't a bad man - he just didn't grow and mature and change with me. He stayed the 20 year old man who was happy for his mother/father and then me to carry him financially and physically through life

But if you want kids at age 33....then It's risky. I was infertile by age 36 and had to rely on IVF with my ex to complete our family

John, what do you think about sexless marriages? Genuine question. If it's irrevocably sexless, what is a wife to do? Especially in a case like this, when she hoped to have a family?

I agree with a PP, this sort of situation is a breeding ground for adultery, if you can even call it such when there is no marital sexual relationship to adulterate.

You are still young, I think you should leave. If you think things are tough and mundane with no sex now, after kids it will be 1000 times worse.

Thanks all. I actually had a very honest and open conversation with my husband in the end this evening.

He said in his head: he would be so happy if I was pregnant, but he finds it hard to get properly on board the TTC train, as so many things about logistics and childcare etc scare him but he knows if I did get pregnant we’d ’make it work’. He also said he found my clear obsession with tracking, ovulation etc pretty unsexy. He said he always thought when he got older he’d no longer be scared but things haven’t turned out the way he thought.

I challenged him that basically in his head he’s happy to risk an accidental pregnancy but not to actively try for a baby and he was honest that yes - that basically is where he is.

I was honest that in my head I couldn’t go on like this forever and my fear is that I’ll spend another 2-3 years spinning my wheels not ‘really’ TTC, the resentment will build, I’ll never have a baby and by then we’ll split up and hate each other.

All of the conversation was very honest, open, respectful and not angry or emotional. We basically concluded that we’re not going to do anything rash before the holiday, and we want to enjoy it, so we will spend a few weeks both properly thinking about what the other could do to ‘fix it’ and regroup after the holiday. Both of us preferred scenario at this point is to make the marriage work. But we also discussed (in a bit of detail) how separating could work too (although acknowledging it would be incredibly painful). I wonder if tbh, that is what is going to happen in March after we’ve both thought about it a lot as unless he gets on board with TTC with me properly I don’t think I’m going to change my mind (although if he’s happy to start trying for more regular sex etc I acknowledge I could pare back on the chat re ovulation tracking etc).

I haven’t really spoken to anyone about these issues other than on here but I now think I’m going to confide in my friend that I’m going away with at the weekend and that depending on how the holiday goes I might have to start sowing the seeds with my parents.

I really want to thank everybody again for their advice (except the troll going on about sanctity in marriage who seems to have missed the fact I don’t have children!)

It's good that you've both had a proper chat. It's probably wise to use contraception from now on, until you get back off the holiday and see what you want.

He said in his head: he would be so happy if I was pregnant, but he finds it hard to get properly on board the TTC train, as so many things about logistics and childcare etc scare him but he knows if I did get pregnant we’d ’make it work’. He also said he found my clear obsession with tracking, ovulation etc pretty unsexy. He said he always thought when he got older he’d no longer be scared but things haven’t turned out the way he thought.

I challenged him that basically in his head he’s happy to risk an accidental pregnancy but not to actively try for a baby and he was honest that yes - that basically is where he is.

I have never heard anything so wet, immature, and pathetic in my whole life. Yes, you'd "make it work", alright, because you would be doing absolutely everything.

Any respect or attraction I had would be completely gone after him saying shit like that. It's that bad.

Oof, well ignore everything I said!
I agree with @Aquamarine1029 . I'd find this such a turn-off.
You're the one who'll be carrying a child for 9 months, risking your health and taking the physical toll. As a couple you're in a good financial state.
What's his problem? What's so difficult about 'childcare and logistics'?

Ultimately OP some people never want to grow up and take any significant responsibility. I find it hard to respect such people. No matter how nice, loving and caring they are.

Basically the fact realistically he’d have to take time off of work and also the fact we don’t live close to family so wouldn’t have any family support. It’s not unfounded concerns but also, v glad I brought this up tonight to get things to the surface now as nothing has changed about this situation in years and realistically nothing is going to either. But like I said, for 3-4 weeks we’re going to try and come up with solutions - I’d happily move nearer family if that’s going to help etc… but I think I’ve got to pick a date, and not even a vague period of time but an actual pin pointed date within the not too distant future, where we get into solution or ultimatum territory

Anyone who uses the term carnal obligations has never had sex.
...and never should

It's good you've both spoken and open up about your concerns/feelings. However, I can't help but feel that his trepidations about TTC are big red flags against having a child with him. Trying for a baby should be exciting and a shared joy/future, it really sounds a bit depressing the way that he is feeling about it. I am very sorry though- I know it's horrible to realise this about someone you do care about/envisaged a future with, that that future may not happen or isn't how you thought it would be.

A man who cannot cope with temperatures and tracking of ovulation, to the point he’s actually repulsed by it and won’t have sex, is nothing like ready to TTC. I really, really hope you don’t waste time on this man, OP.

It’s good that you had this conversation but it’s not entirely honest is it?

You discussed the TTC issue, all the while you’ve been mulling ending the relationship for reasons that are nothing to do with that.

It’s problematic to predicate the relationship continuing beyond March on whether he comes round on the TTC issue.

When a couple discusses possibly splitting up the next month - it’s kind of over already. But I do think there’s a danger that he says “ok baby” to hold on, you get pregnant, and ultimately end up in the only place this relationship is likely to end up - splitting.

I could've written your post OP, apart from the fact that I was 35.
I left. It was the best thing I ever did albeit difficult at the time.
A nee partner and 2 children later I do not regret it for a minute.
He also went on to have children with someone else so we're both better off with our new partners.

You said no one, not even your husband, suspects a thing and you are telling people, maybe even if front of your husband, that it's you the one not wanting children... The issue here seems a lack of communication, just talk to him and tell him you want children, that this is something very important for you.

Edit:I just saw OP already spoke to her husband. If tracking ovulation stresses him maybe you could do the planning?

You're in a pickle OP. It's clear the relationship isn't working, might never work, but the maths on starting again really isn't in your favour at all. You're a very high earner in your 30s who really really wants a concrete plan for kids. It's going to be tough for you.

Oh OP! How brave to have brought it into the open! Whatever happens now will be for the best. Either you will stay together happily or you will part but at least you have achieved clarity.

last night I was with friends who asked me if I was having kids soon and for some reason I answered it indicating that it was ME who was holding off (?!)

Right - because it’s true - you have major doubts that he is not right for you.

You’ve spun it to him that your doubts are based on his reluctance around kids but as I said yesterday that’s not true. It may make you feel less guilty to tell yourself and him this but the truth is kids is only part of the story.

Of course you will be stressed on your holiday because in your so-called honest talk your DH had the impression kids are the sole issue when the reality is you are questioning the entire relationship. If he knew that, the holiday would be more honest, but maybe you’d both decide not to go?

Getting knocked up is not the answer here - none of these problems will resolve - a baby simply exacerbates them. Trying to paper over the cracks with a baby will cause a great deal more hassle and upset in the long run. At the moment you’re just worried about upsetting him and your mum - later you will worry about your kid - that will be a lot worse.

You need to be aware OP that if you did stay together and have children, and if you went back to work and he was the primary caregiver, then he would probably get main custody of the children as the primary carer if you did split up. And you would be paying support to him as he gave up his earning potential to raise the children. Other posters may have more insight into this but I think the fact that he would be a SAHP and the fact that you earn considerably more are very important factors in your ultimate decision. Because of the implications they have.

Thanks all - come back for a handhold, as after an extremely difficult day had another discussion/argument this evening after he asked me how I’m feeling and I was honest.

We’re just going round in circles - he’s saying he wants a family with me, but then he has misgivings about it, and doesn’t think our relationship is in the right place to try right now. And I say OK, that’s a more than fair point, but if we take some time off to TTC to work in our relationship I need to know we’re ultimately working to the same goal and when we’re ready we’ll properly TTC… he won’t give that to me. He says all the TTC makes him feel under pressure and he’s not sure he’ll ever be on that ‘journey’ with me.

And I’m getting very upset and emotional thinking he’s ’wasted my time’ which just isn’t helping anything.

We are both very openly talking about the possibility of separation and it feels very real. I can’t hold it together even looking at the pets at the moment.

After feeling broadly optimistic yesterday I just feel in a black hole and like my life is disintegrating around me. I could get through today as was WFH but tomorrow I’m back in the office with a busy day and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to face it. Part of me just wants to run away take time off work and go back and stay with my parents, pull the plug now and forget the holiday. Such a mess. :(

Honestly, you don’t want to be having a child with someone that’s not fully on that journey with you.

I think sadly all his non-committal dancing around the point, while not the answers you want, are answers nonetheless. In your shoes I’d be looking at cutting my losses before I gave up further fertile years to a future faker.

I'm sorry to hear this, but sadly, I think his attitude may be a blessing, to save you from having children with someone unsuitable. You've still got time to meet your lobster and have a family.

I know it's daunting leaving a husband when you're yearning for children, I did the same thing. It all worked out in the end, I met someone the following year, got married and had children, he's a great man. I was so pleased I didn't stay with my ex and have children with him. My life would have been awful.

Don't have kids with someone who isn't 100% on board with it. You'd be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. Pregnancy is hard, raising a baby even harder. It's one thing to have a baby and then realize your partner is not a good dad or husband. It's a whole other thing to have a baby with someone you know is the wrong one for you.

Rip off the band aid. Move. Date around a bit, don't look for Mr Right just yet, you need a rebound first. At 33 you definitely have time.