Really Annoyed This Morning ...

[MrsToriCostner]

Sorry guys, I just really need a rant!

SAHM here, two kids, almost 7, almost 2.

Got up this morning, came down, kitchen a mess from me cooking last night.

Presumed DH would have sorted it or at least filled the dishwasher and turned it on last night.

I do DHs packed lunch for work and shout up and ask him to bring any glasses/pots from upstairs meanwhile I've told DC1 to get dressed for school numerous times but they are not listening and still in pjs watching tv.

I go upstairs to get ready for the school run and find glasses/pots in DC1 bedroom, DH has taken the flat sheet off our bed and dumped it on the floor and left it there because DC2 leaked in the night apparently. His socks are dumped on the floor too, it's the same every morning, I find myself putting them in the wash basket myself.

DC1 is still not dressed and apparently can't find any socks despite multiple pairs been in the wardrobe.

So I'm shouting loud by now as we are going to be late and I'm taking 2 kids on the school run.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel I could fall out with the world today 🙁

My DH packed me lunch on my first day of a new job a few years ago and it was full of lovely thoughtful things that made me smile as I unpacked it. And a whole pack of jaffa cakes which made me laugh out loud. People do things like that for people they love.

My DH was like this 🙄. He wouldn’t even have taken the sheet off the bed when we first got together tbh… a result of growing up very privileged with a housekeeper who cooked, cleaned, laundered, ironed. I used to be furious when we’d both get in from work and he’d complain that the house wasn’t clean… I felt that it was a personal attack, but realised that he’d never really realised that these things needed doing. He works longer hours than me so I don’t mind doing a bit more housework, but this has to be accompanied by respect and that means putting things in the dishwasher, hanging up towels after they’re used and putting things in the laundry basket. I put in place a rule that if it wasn’t in the laundry basket it wasn’t getting washed!! He soon learnt 😁. Still hasn’t learnt to iron though 🙄… we now have a son and he’ll learn to iron his shirts as soon as it’s safe for him to do so 🤣. I’ll be damned if his future GF/BF/wife/husband has to pick up his dirty pants off the floor every day.

It really can creep up on you OP. These micro behaviours are a pain of a morning when you're stretched. I get this was one of those mornings where you feel swamped:

TV off until ready for school/bed
Tell DH to actually descend the stairs each morning with laundry and/or sh*t from upstairs
Tell him he cleans up after each meal no questions asked

But, you are a SAHM so the rest is up to you really.

I mean, each to their own and all that, but I would absolutely hate someone picking my food for me and deciding what "healthy treats and snacks" I was getting each day.

But do you not have in the things you like to eat? And does your partner not know what your favourite things are?

Lots of people show love through food/cooking/treats. It's not that uncommon.

Long term SAHP here, very fortunate to have a high earning partner and financially comfortable. For me, my resentment at my partner when he doesn’t help is fuelled by how I feel as a full time housekeeper to both my children and partner.
Being a SAHP is a huge privilege and I have so much time with my children, but the gains are also counteracted by a loss of career, pension, confidence, and for me self-respect in my relationship when I am the only one who uses the washing machine / changes sheets/ does the food shop, cleans the bathroom etc as that’s ‘my’ job and he’s working hard at his. (But I don’t make his lunch..and he does do plenty at the weekends such as gardening etc and will cook when he has time)

Of course, but that doesn't mean I want someone else to decide what I'm going to eat and what "healthy snacks" are going in my lunchbox each day.

Personally it's something I would find incredibly off-putting, lol. I don't want to have my meals decided for me like a toddler.

Becuase he is a grown man that isnt blind? Because the default shouldnt be her.... she isnt the project manager and she shouldnt need to deelgate a task. Im sure had he been pulling his weight in other ways this morning she wouldnt be moaning... the issue isnt those tasks its the lack of responsibilty and contribution

She's not saying that. She's saying pots left in bedrooms and dirty clothes left on the floor. When I was stay at home I did all the washing, cooking, laundry but I didn't expect to have to go round the house picking it all up from the floor. The least others can do is put pots in the kitchen and dirty sheets in the laundry basket. It's basic respect to the person you're living with that you at least put things in the correct place. She's not a servant. If both people were working and had a cleaner you wouldn't just chuck it all on the floor for the cleaner to pick up as that would be considered disrespectful.

It's not every day I do DHs. Usually when. We're both having a packed lunch (part time and a lot of WFH for me). But sometimes it's nice to open your box and see what someone you love did for you.

On another note, does that mean there's literally no element of meal planning in your life? How do you food shop if you or your other half haven't thought about what dinners etc you are having that week? It's a genuine question.

Like I said, each to their own - it's just really not for me

It's just DH and I at home so no, we've never done a meal plan. We each shop for ourselves and just buy/cook whatever we fancy. We both have very different work schedules and eating habits, and pretty much always eat at different times as well.

Today for example, he came home from work and made himself soup and sandwiches. I don't like eating that early so had chicken kiev, rice and veggies a couple of hours later instead.

The only time we ever eat together at home is Christmas Day, lol.

And if both people were working and didn't have a cleaner? He'd probably have left the dishes and socks beside the bed to pick up himself after work. It doesn't necessarily mean he's being disrespectful, just that mornings are busy, and when you're working out of the house there's more time pressure. OP was in the house all day and had the opportunity to sort it out. If she hadn't got round to it because she was busy with their child and he got home and went in a rage, then he'd be in the wrong.

As long as you're happy and it works for you. Eating together is a big thing for most couples and families. And the majority of cultures make a big deal of meals.

We're both ND so it works perfectly for us. We do eat together (as in, in the same room) it's just we eat at different times and eat different things. Our living room/dining room is one big space, so it's not like we each eat shut away alone.

I'd hate to have to plan my meals in advance - I've been like it all my life. Food textures are a big trigger to me and I have to be in the right frame of mind to eat certain foods or they make me gag.

DH is the total opposite and is a creature of habit - he could quite happily live off the same few meals on rotation forever lol.

Personally I think people put too much pressure on themselves when it comes to mealtimes and eating together as a couple or family. But I know that's not a popular.view!

Put the socks that he dumps on the floor on his pillow -

Like two hotel type pillow mints (but more smelly). 😁

I got the feeling from your first post that you were suggesting she should just go round the house picking it all up from the floor and washing it. Apologies if that's not what you meant.
We've never had a cleaner but when we leave the house in a tip for work / school we all deal with our own mess when we get home. No way would I have run around picking everyone's dirty washing off the floor and getting it cleaned for them like a washing fairy! I do gather it all up and throw it on respective beds so that I can hoover but if they can't be bothered to put it in the basket (husband included), it doesn't get washed. Happy to wash everything that makes its way there! Even my 4 year old understands that rule. Sorry maybe just a pet hate of mine!!

Only in MN land do couples not do anything for each other. Whereas in reality if someone is making a packed lunch for themselves or the kids or has more time because they are the SAHP they might also make one for their DH/DW. Likewise cooking tea, doing the ironing or washing, making a brew etc.

And the phrase 'pots and pans' is surely universal and little to do with a north/south divide.

Be the boss !

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos oh wow your husband leaves for work at 7am? What a champ.

I love it when some of the posters on here make out like their husbands are gods for doing the bare minimum. Well I also regularly leave for work at 7am on an hour's commute, and I am to all intents and purposes the breadwinner as my partner works part time, and I wouldn't dream of leaving pissy sheets on the floor of the bedroom for her to pick up because: I have more self respect than that, and I have more respect for her than that.

What I would do, if I was completely rushed and had to run out the door (which again, was not the case here with the OP's husband), is I would open my mouth and use my words, and apologise for not being able to complete the task and show some gratitude to my partner and thank her for completing the task for me.

And I am not taking anything out of context, they were pissy sheets that he left on the floor which is what I stated.

Don't accept the bare minimum from your partner, and what's worse, don't berate others for wanting more-it's not a race to the bottom.

@DropDeadFreida he does speak to me. I didn't feel like that needed saying because it's very normal that we communicate. And if you read the OP, she says he said their child wet the bed, so he did speak to her. My DH stripping wet sheets off between walking the dog at 5am and getting himself ready, DD up, washed and teeth brushed is NOT the bare minimum.

I also leave at 7.25 on workdays to get our child to nursery and then to work. If he was off I'd have also stripped the sheets and told him they needed washing. DH collects her on his way home, unless traffic means he won't make it in time, which I'm sure you'll appreciate is out of his control and not him palming a job off out of disrespect.

We split all the child and housework completely evenly, aside from the fact we made a choice between us for me to go part time because that's the life we wanted for our child, not for any other reason. And we considered which of us should go part time very carefully, because when I fell pregnant I was the higher earner. But it was me because with the way my salary/bonuses work and how flexibly I can work it means more money coming in plus less stress. Not because I'm "mum" or "the wife" or "just the woman".

Like I said, out of context you can twist ANYTHING and you did. Suggested my DH was being celebrated for doing "the bare minimum" when you know literally nothing about our set up other than he leaves at 7 for an hours commute. On the busiest motorway in the country by the way so 5 mins can have a MASSIVE impact.

Leave your judgement at the door.

And the phrase 'pots and pans' is surely universal and little to do with a north/south divide.

Hmm, I do think it is a regional thing.

I grew up in East Anglia and "pots and pans" literally meant the metal pots and pans you used to cook food in. It didn't also mean plates, cutlery, glasses etc.

When I first moved up north and met DH, he asked me to do the pots and I genuinely didn't realise what it meant at first

@lifeispainauchocolat "wash the pots" is really widely used. Everyone I went to uni with (broad range) understood it. I'm Northern, married to a Midlander, live in the Midlands and while there's lots of phrases I use that get met with "eh??", wash the pots, is there any pots in the living room, could you do the pots, etc are not among them.

Your mornings sound like mine, OP. No advice but sending strength

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos well, we all have different experiences and lots of people upthread were the same as me.

It's not a phrase I ever heard growing up - my parents and all my friends etc. said "do the dishes" 🤷‍♀️

I understand it now but I live up north and have nothern in-laws. There were also lots of other words and phrases I hadn't heard of until I moved here too!

On another note, does that mean there's literally no element of meal planning in your life? How do you food shop if you or your other half haven't thought about what dinners etc you are having that week? It's a genuine question

He plans his meals, I sort of plan mine (I work away half the week) and we make sure there is stuff for DD’s lunches in a weekly online food shop. There are shops nearby if we need to get anything in the week.